


The sea is talking

by DesertNomad



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Absent Parents, Adoption, Angst and Humor, Artists, Clexa-Endgame, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Family Secrets, Flashbacks, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Healing, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Lawyers, Long-Term Relationship(s), Loss, Modern Setting Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Panic Attacks, Past Relationship(s), Revenge, Sexual Content, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-01
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-09-20 22:12:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 46,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9518267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DesertNomad/pseuds/DesertNomad
Summary: The old lady refused money. ''The moment you start loving life again, consider that as my payment.''orLexa returns home after two years of traveling around the world, but is still broken over her girlfriends death. Will Clarke make her believe in love again?





	1. There and back again

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! :) Basically, my first fanfic. I just had the need to give my small contribution to this amazing community. I promise a happy end, of course. And I wanted to show that you can have a plot without anyone getting shot or all the other stupid and expected solutions screenwriters use today. 
> 
> I can’t say if it’s good. I don't know if you'll like the writing, English is not my native language. But I wanted it to be an emotional rollercoaster. So if you're up for it, give it a try and I hope you’ll enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music:  
> Fleurie: Sirens  
> London Grammar:Wasting my young years  
> 

_Street was empty with nothing but the street lights glowing as guidelines. City fell asleep a long time ago and yet there was some urge in Lexa, telling her not to wait for the green light. Sixth sense, maybe? Some vibrant feeling that makes you uncomfortable. That tickles you and warns you about the upcoming events. And yet you continue to ignore it, thinking that everything will be fine. You are protected and shielded. You are universe's favorite. You are the only person in the world who will live forever._

_Her hand was on the gear stick. Hesitant and inpatient she kept glancing at the traffic light, uttering soundless words and wondering why is she so nervous in the first place. She never really paid attention to these things before nor  was she someone who’s nervousness was so easily visible. She wasn’t in a hurry or had some important responsibility. It was just an illusion, an unconscious need to spare time, since we have it so little. She decided to go. She won’t wait. And she probably wouldn’t have, if she hadn’t felt someone’s hand on her own._

_Costia was sitting in the front seat next to her, caring and polite with an innocent smile. She was silent and remained silent even after Lexa’s questions._

_‘’How…What are…Where…?’’_

_Lexa was unsuccesfully trying to formulate a decent question and kept failing and staring at the same time._

_‘’Babe, how did you come here?’’_

_She finally managed to say. But no answer came. Instead there was a simple smile and a caring look, a forgiving look in Costia’s eyes, which evoke all the memories in Lexa. And which were now rushing back to her like an avalanche, filling her with panic and anxiety._

_‘’Babe you have to get out. You have to get out now.’’_

_She kept saying it as if being in a rush, constantly changing focus between Costia and back window of the car, where two bright lights were coming at them._

  
_‘’You have to get out, damn it! Stop looking at me like that and move!’’_

_Her pleadings will not be answered, for she knew now what was coming. And she knew now what that urge to not wait for the light was. And she knew that like so many times before, no matter what she does or says Costia won’t move. Her forgiving and caring look was unbearable to look at. It was too much of a burden for Lexa’s ever present, deeply buried guilt. Left with no alternative and too weak to look Costia in the eyes, Lexa leaned her forehead on Costia’s shoulder, defeated and in a surrendering manner._

_‘’Please just go…’’_

_It was barely audible and came out as a whisper, followed by heavy breathing._

_‘’How much time do we have?’’ she asked._

_‘’More than before…’’ Costia calmly answered._

_‘’But never enough…’’_

_Costia lifted Lexa’s head, cupping her cheeks and caressing them slowly with her thumbs._

_‘’I still can’t… move on… How could I? ’’ Lexa tried to explain, tired, with her eyes half open. Her eyelids were too heavy and her look was focused on Costia’s lips._

_‘’Don’t think…and don’t talk.’’ Costia said while leaning into a soft kiss that made Lexa forget about her pain and guilt and the light that was coming at them, threatening to consume them. She was overwhelmed for feeling Costia even for a second. And a tear slid down her cheek. A small symbol of her love and pain blended together until brightness became to blinding, swallowing everything._

Sudden jolt made Lexa awake. Her body ached with every movement, side effect of an extremely uncomfortable position she was sleeping in. She became aware of pilots voice informing the passengers about landing which will occur in approximately half an hour. Luckily her seat was next to the window and she became lost in observing clouds, instead of stewardess who was gesturing something with her hands.

‘’Troubles with sleep…?’’

Voice came from her right, making Lexa point her surprised look in that direction, still not sure if the question was appointed to her.

‘’Sorry?’’, she said while removing her headphones.

‘’You seem too old to have nightmares,’’ said a lady, probably in her late forties, sitting beside her but with one empty seat between them.

‘’Nightmares don’t care about age, do they?’’ Lexa politely replied, trying to lessen the effect her last one had on her. Pretending that she’s not afraid of dreaming about it again or who knows how many times more.

‘’That’s true,’’ a woman admitted hiding her smirk. ‘’ So was it a bogeyman or something less scary?’’

‘’Bogeyman ma’am, ever since I was 5,’’ Lexa sarcastically replied, and sarcastic humor was something she often used.

‘’Then you should definitely see a doctor…‘’

‘’I did but they said I’m a hopeless case. So they sent me home.’’

They both smiled at the silliness of their conversation that people often use to break the barriers of the first impression. And it never is anything special or particularly funny but at moments like those boundaries of what’s funny and what’s not are lower.

‘’ How old are you?’’

‘’25.’’

‘’You are a bit older then my daughter,'' lady noticed. ''What is it that you do?’’

Simplest questions leave us mute and this one could leave Lexa mute for days. What was she doing was something she often asked herself. Was her occupation running from her past or was she trying to live up to what she assumed would be her parents expectations or was she simply filled with grieve over her girlfriends death. Her last two years were spent traveling around the world, moving from town to town, from country to country, playing a nomad on a quest given to her by herself. It was a foolish attempt to heal with the wrong type of medicine that only made her more distant and unreachable. And whatever her original idea was she has become truly lost in her wanderings.

‘’I’m coming home after two years of traveling.’’

‘’Really…That’s nice. Where’ve you been…?’’

‘’Oh… lots of places…’’

‘’You traveled alone?’’

‘’Yes...’’

‘’That’s brave, especially for a girl. Are your parents happy that you’re coming? What did they say?’’

‘’Nothing much really... They died when I was 7. I was raised by my aunt.’’

‘’I’m sorry to hear that. So how is it that you were able to travel so much, I mean financially?’’

‘’Luckily or not my parents founded a lawyer company that’s been working nice and is led by my aunt ever since they died. So they didn’t leave me penniless, but I also worked occasionally while I travelled. Low paid jobs mostly in third world countries. I wanted to see the other side of life.’’

‘’You are very different from your peers. That’s refreshing and quite impressive if I might say.’’

‘’You’re too kind ma’am, but I’m not nearly as close.’’

‘’And modest, I’m speechless. My daughter keeps dreaming about art and painting. I don’t know what to do with her. You could tell her a thing or two about how the world works…’’

‘’Yeah it’s a strange world. But we all have dreams’’

‘’What is it that you dream of?’’

Lexa was briefly reminded of her latest dream and she wanted to avoid the subject.

‘’I think we’ve established that I dream about boogeyman’s.’’

They both smiled again.

‘’Is your daughter good at painting?’’, Lexa quickly asked, trying to avoid questions about herself.

‘’Well the worst part is that she is. Her father also liked it. It encourages her. But it’s a difficult path… And talent isn’t everything.’’

‘’But talent should be a guideline. What does your husband say?’’

‘’Nothing much… He died 8 years ago.’’

‘’Now I’m the one who’s sorry.’’

‘’It’s ok. We all have loses that we have to deal with. You just mustn’t let them consume you.’’

‘’Yes we all know the theoretical part,’’ Lexa replied through sigh and both remained silent for a moment before she continued. ‘’But how do you not let them consume you?’’ She said while frowning and looking through the window. It was a short moment of weakness that allowed Lexa’s doubts to surface. And show what was on her mind all along.

‘’For that answer you’ll have to find someone wiser than me. But you seem smart enough to figure that one on your own. You’ll learn it…in time. Anyway, welcome home. ’’

A man approached them, probably coming from the washroom, gesturing that the empty seat was his. They both politely smiled signalizing the end of their conversation. The rest of the flight Lexa spent in silence with the word home echoing in her head. Wondering what does it mean and if she had one at all?

Soon everyone was preparing for the landing, minding they don’t forget their belongings. The procedure that followed was the same as usual, passport check, scanner, waiting for the suitcases. And when everything was finished Lexa found herself at the exit surrounded by the crowd and noise and everything that followed urban city life.

‘’Is someone waiting for you?’’ a woman from the plane asked, without Lexa noticing the moment she approached her. ‘’Maybe we could share a cab…‘’, she politely suggested.

‘’Gladly but my cousin was supposed to be waiting for me, so I’ll have to stay. ‘’

Women nodded and started focusing on the task at hand, which was finding a cab before they all become taken. The search ended sooner than she expected and Lexa offered to help her with the suitcase putting it in the trunk.

‘’Well then, It was nice to meet you,‘’ woman said, while facing Lexa and offering her hand but realizing they never said their names so she was unable to finish her sentence and instead kept smiling and signalizing for help.

‘’Lexa. And it was nice to meet you too,’’ Lexa politely introduced herself while accepting the offered hand.

‘’Well Lexa, I’m Abby.’

‘’All the best ma’am…’’

‘’Likewise.’’

They parted with smiles and Lexa watched the vehicle go as her smile began to fade and air suddenly became heavy. She could smell the pollution and was immediately irritated by all the sounds and noise coming from every corner. Annoyed by the crowd that moved around her in what seemed was constantly increasing pace while she kept standing, afraid to move at all. She craved for the nature of all the places she visited and instantly regretted her decision to come back. It wasn’t enough time. Two years seemed like two minutes and it felt as if she didn’t leave at all. But the damage was done and since she was where she was there was nothing else she could do but continue to go this road.

She took a deep breath, not only to prepare herself for the weight of the suitcase but to prepare herself for facing her past. But instead of picking the suitcase, she picked a silver bracelet that was next to it. It was elegant, not tacky. Not too big or small, all in all tasteful. And on the back side it had engraving that simply said _For Abby_. Now she knew to whom it belonged. But she was unable to give it back. She and Abby talked and yet she knew nothing about her. No last name, address or profession. It’s strange how easily we open up to strangers, knowing that they won’t judge our actions. And that’s exactly what Abby was. A stranger that distracted her for few minutes from all the pressure and anxiety she felt. And as a thank you she had a need to give it back to her. But honestly didn’t know how. Yet she will keep it. Maybe in some weird way they somehow meet. If not it will stay with Lexa as a reminder of a polite stranger from the plane. Better that than to leave it on the ground. And it wasn’t hers to give it to someone else.

‘’You came alone, I’m insulted.’’

A sound of a familiar voice put smile on Lexa’s face again. It actually turned her smile into a grin without even looking at her cousin. The air was more bearable now.

‘’You have two minutes to say all the jokes you have. After all I know it took you all night to come up with them,’’ Lexa said while turning to face Anya who was now coming to hug her.

‘’Two years, TWO YEARS! And you give me only two minutes. Insult after insult. Those monkey tribes really made you forget your manners.’’

‘’You know… It really isn’t that big of a difference between you and them.’’

‘’ Oh really?’’, Anya mockingly replied while breaking the hug. ‘’Seriously now, you came alone?’’

‘‘Who was I supposed to bring?’’Lexa asked surprised.

‘’Three girls at least…’’

‘’Oh yes, the three girls rule…’’, Lexa repeated, wondering why was she expecting something serious.

‘’No don’t look away. You forgot my teachings. Three is the lucky number. You have the main one that’s fine, but you need to have two more, just in case you know. You do back up on your laptop right?’’

‘’How… How is that relevant to this?’’ Lexa was struggling to keep a straight face.

‘’It’s the same thing!’’

Now Lexa couldn’t hold it anymore and she burst into laughing before saying: ‘’Where’s…anything. Where’s the catapult? I need something to catapult me from you’’

To the people who were passing by they might’ve looked as if they were arguing. But that was how their conversations looked like. Intern jokes that no one but them understood. Lexa kept looking around her as if she was really searching for somethinge that could make Anya stop.

‘’I went too far, didn’t I? It occurred to me to stop.’’ Anya said apologetically but not seriously meaning it.

‘’And yet you didn’t.’’ Lexa said, still smiling.

‘’You said two minutes. C’mon I have to get it out of my system. This is a unique opportunity. I don’t know how much your next exile is going to last. I feel like you’ll become that comet that appears every 70 something years you know. I might not be alive the next time you come back.’’

‘’Oh you idiot…’’ Lexa looked at the sky with a grin that made her think, when was the last time she had a similar one? She pulled Anya into a hug again.

‘’I missed you… ‘’

‘’I missed you too.’’

‘’And I missed your humor.’’

‘’Welcome home…’’

 

****

 

It was already late and Clarke stared at the ceiling of her room imagining various shapes in the dark.

‘’When will you tell her?’’ A voice coming from the other side of line kept asking, but Clarke was too absent to answer.

‘’Clarke, are you there?’’

‘’Of course I am there, ‘’ she annoyingly replied.

‘’Mentally, Clarke, I need you mentally… Just imagine! We will be roommates, parties every other night… a proper collage life. We will graduate in style. Apartment of our own, dates all the time… '' Just imagine…’’

Raven’s enthusiasm was overwhelming for Clarke, too much of a pressure for her at that moment. She did not know how to tell her mother about her decision to move. She was expecting her mother any minute now to come back from her two week business trip. She and Raven had basically already moved all of their stuff. And a week ago Clarke found a job as a waitress, which she hated. But life of a penniless artist seemed like a choice in the right direction that will lead her to her dream of having her own gallery one day. She didn’t care much about the fact that she was a senior who was about to get a medical degree. It was more her mother’s wish. Career obsessed women in Clarke’s opinion who didn’t have much of a hearing ability for Clarke’s inner desires and dreams. She thought that by facing her mother with faith accompli will help her stay determined when forced to face her. Her mother will tell her how immature and irresponsible that decision is. That she barely knows how to fry two eggs. That she is living in clouds, fooling herself, wasting her life dreaming about impossible things. That she is spitting on everything her mother worked hard for. And that she should finally wake up and start living in reality.

‘’Clarke!’’, voice coming out of her phone interrupted her again.

‘’Sorry Raven, you know what I’m thinking about.’’

‘’I know Clarke, but there is not much she can do now. We’ve practically moved all of our stuff.’’

‘’I know, I know. It’s just…’’

The sound of front doors opening disrupted Clarke from finishing her sentence. And it felt like someone suddenly punched her in the stomach.

‘’I’ve gotta go Raven, she’s here.’’

‘’Tell me how it goes’’

‘’If I survive…’’

Abby somehow managed to come home not too irritated by New York’s traffic. Due to her work she often travelled and her daughter particularly enjoyed in those days of complete freedom.

‘’Clarke, are you home?!’’ Abby shouted while entering the apartment.

‘’Yes mom!’’, Clarke replied from her room, not overly enthusiastic while jumping from her bed to turn on the light.

‘’What’s new honey!?’’ Abby said while removing her coat and shoes, ‘’How are the exams going!? Are you in your room?’’

‘’Fine,’’ Clarke shortly replied, avoiding the subject and the fact that they were not going so well. And that thought about quitting the studies was actively going on in her head.

She could hear Abby’s steps becoming louder as her mother was approaching her room. Her heart speeded up at the sound. The anticipation of the inevitable reaction her mother will make when she sees the room was nerve racking.

‘’Have you…’’ Abby started before entering Clarke’s room but stopped half way through after the door opened, revealing Clarke’s latest interior design.

Clarke was sitting on a bed that had no sheets, her wardrobe was empty, her desk also. Her books were gone and her paintings as well.

‘’What is this!?’’ Abby shouted, making Clarke's eyes close after overly loud reaction, which wasn’t very different from the way she imagined it. ‘’Where is all your stuff?!’’

‘’Listen mom, don’t panic.’’ Clarke calmly started to explain. ‘’ Raven and I have decided to share a small flat. We’ve already found a place. My stuff is there, so it’s ok.’’

‘’Ok!? What is ok? This is not ok! When were you planning to tell me…?’’

‘’Now…’’

‘’Before I entered?’’

Clarke remained silent, feeling her cowardice spreading.

‘’So you are moving? How will you pay your rent? Am I supposed to finance this caprice of yours?’’

‘’This is not a caprice!’’, Clarke replied. ‘’This is me choosing my dream instead of yours.’’

‘’And when you fail…?’’

‘’Who says I’ll fail?’’

‘’Why, why? It’s so incomprehensible to me…’’ Abby started to walk across the room. ‘’Why would someone throw away a promising career, a path which I’ve already set out for you, for something so…so uncertain.’’

‘’Because, I don’t want to do it! That’s you, not me! I never asked you to do that for me.’’

‘’Now you’re being ungrateful.’’

‘’And you are being selfish.’’

‘’Selfish! Me?’’, Abby replied visible offended. ‘’Don’t expect my help with this Clarke, I’ve had enough.’’

‘’I wasn’t expecting your help. I found a job.’’

‘’What job…?’’

‘’Waitress…’’

‘’A waitress?! You would rather be a waitress instead of an intern in a reputable hospital?’’

‘’I want to be an artist, not a doctor!’’, Clarke shouted, hoping it was loud enough so that her mother could hear her for once.

‘’So you will just throw away almost four years of hard work?’’

‘’Those were the worst four years of my life, pretending to be something that I’m not. Living your dream, not mine!’’

‘’Dreams, always these dreams of yours… Hard work Clarke, life is a hard work. No one asks you about what you dream. I met a girl on a plane today, that’s someone who knows what hard work is. You barely know how to fry two eggs.’’

There it was. The part Clarke hated the most. Comparing her with her peers, making her feel like the lowest life form there was. Doctor Abby Griffin and the miracles she performed in emergency room. Clarke always rolled her eyes at the thought of it. At the thought that her mother loved her job more than her.

‘’I provided you with everything. And this is a thank you. Escaping like this, as if I was some monster who did who knows what to you.’’

‘’It’s not normal for us to live together anymore. It’s not normal for you to keep telling me what to do with my life! I don’t care about your legacy and obsessions.’’

‘’Obsessions…? Is it obsession to want a decent life for my daughter? That I didn’t want you to feel the ugly side of life…?’’

‘’And what, the argument we are having now is pretty. For me this is the ugliest it can get. And don’t say this is about me. This is about you and how embarrassed you will feel when one of your colleagues asks you about me and you won’t know how to say that I’m a waitress.’’

Abby's hand found her forehead. She was out of arguments. And while feeling so she noticed her wrist was empty and that her bracelet was missing.

‘’Where is my bracelet?’’ she suddenly asked. Making Clarke confused.

‘’Which one? The one that dad gave you?’’ Clarke asked.

‘’Yes… I remember having it on the plane.’’ Abby said while frowning at her wrist, making huge efforts to remember the last time she had it.

‘’How could I know?’’, Clarke annoyingly replied thinking she will get blamed for that as well and it wouldn’t surprise her.

For Abby it was one of the dearest items she possessed. Never taking it off since she got it from her late husband for their first anniversary. She had lost it and she was faced with losing her daughter now and all at the same time. The thought alone exhausted her. She was defeated by the fact that no matter what she does or what she plans. No matter how detail focused she was in trying to predict the future and every possible tripping stone life always finds a way to trip you anyway.

‘’Go Clarke, do as you like…’’ Abby uttered in a surrendering manner, exhausted from her flight and loss.

And Clarke, feeling enough was said, stood up silently and picked up her suitcase. But before she left the apartment she stopped by her door looking back at her mother who was still looking at her empty wrist. And in spite the anger Clarke felt she couldn’t help but feel sympathy as well.

On her way to her new apartment and hopefully less irritating life she texted Raven.

**Clarke:**

_‘’Don’t lock the door. I got my freedom.’’_

A reply came quicker than she expected.

**Raven:**

‘’ _YASSS_!’’

 

****

 

Lexa's apartment and items in it didn’t feel like they belonged to her. They seemed like part of her history, yes. But more like something from her past life, not the present one, maybe part of some previous era in a galaxy far, far away, when she might have enjoyed all that. Now, the enjoyment was nowhere to be found. With her fingertips she caressed the walls of her living room, slowly moving and observing every corner of it. And memories came back flooding to her. There were many joyful moments, moments she deliberately repressed as a punishment, stripping herself from any happiness. Cheerful moments, filled with laughter that she was now remembering with a vague smile on her face. Home. Was this really her home? It felt like one when she was with Costia. Now all it was is an empty shell that could shield her from snow, wind, rain, but not from her nightmares, fears and doubts.

‘’Nice, what am I, your butler?’’ Anya said while entering the apartment. ‘’ I’m carrying your suitcase for you. Am I supposed to do disinfection on you now? No STD’s, right?’’

‘’I think you confused me with yourself.’’ Lexa calmly replied, still observing the apartment as if this was her first time to be in it.

‘’Jokes aside now, I wanna ask you something but seriously.’’

‘’No offense but I know you well enough to know that serious is too big of a concept for your brain.’’

‘’Now that… ‘’ Anya said with her index finger pointed at Lexa. ‘’…didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would.’’

They both smiled and Anya sat on the sofa quickly changing her facial expression.

‘’Are you…staying or…you plan on leaving again?

Since she landed all Lexa wanted to do was to get back in the plane. To continue to run from everything and everyone until she finds a place on this planet or any other that provides her with complete solitude.

‘’I don’t know. I’m thinking about it. Honestly I wouldn’t like to stay.’’

‘’Is it…because of Costia?’’ Anya hesitantly asked, praying that the tone was caring enough to not make Lexa close up even more. ‘’It wasn’t your fault. You know you have to stop with this, right?’’

‘’I know, I know…’’ Lexa quickly replied, while frowning and leaning on the window frame with her arms crossed.

‘’She was crossing the street, some idiot hit her. It could’ve happen to anyone.’’

‘’She wanted us to go home and what did I do... I sent her away because I was dared on a car race, while drunk. If I had been with her, that wouldn’t have happened.’’

‘’There is nothing you could’ve done to prevent it. And it wasn’t your fault. Snap out of this. This is insane.’’

Lexa finally looked at Anya.

‘’You think I don’t want to? You think it’s not driving me crazy.'' Lexa started to walk aimlessly. ''I don’t care if it’s warm or cold outside,'' her hand flew towards the window . ''I don't care if it's day or night. People speak to me and I don't even pretend that I'm listening anymore. I just don't care.’’ She stopped walking as her eyes closed, letting the rest come out as a sigh. ‘’It's strange... All the things that you can become... I never imagined I could be so cold and distant.''

‘’We’ll find you someone to warm you up’’ Anya joyfully said, while secretly surprised with the amount of Lexa’s repressed feelings. ‘’You just need a little more time,’’ she continued in a caring manner. ‘’And it’s better to be surrounded with people than to be alone with your thoughts, I'm afraid they are too dark at the moment.’’

‘’I’m still not ready for people,’’ Lexa silently answered.

‘’I’ve heard enough.’’ Anya stood up with her hands in the air. ‘’Now you are annoying me. We are going out tomorrow. I wanted to prepare you a welcome party.’’

Lexa rolled her eyes.

I don’t care what you’ll say. I’ll drag you if I have to. I gave you enough time. What’s the point in looking the way you look if you don’t want to share it with anyone.’’

‘’So now I look good? Few minutes ago you wanted to do disinfection on me.’’

‘’That’s a necessity that will take two days minimum. But you have one to make yourself look like you again. Take rest. You can drop by to the firm tomorrow. And tomorrow night we are going out.’’  
‘’Fine, fine, anything to make you stop,’’ Lexa had to yield, for she did not have the strength to explain how she felt anymore.

She didn’t even know if there were adequate words. She didn’t want to be selfish and to think her pain was biggest in the world. After all she has seen so much pain, bigger pains then her own. She has seen the way people live and that didn’t help her case, if anything it only made her angrier. The point was that she lost someone who made her feel complete for the first time in her life. She lacked her parents to do that for her when she was young. The chances for a plane to crash are one in who knows how many million and yet that one had to be given to them. How many crashes were yet to come? And how many more could she take? Was this just a natural process of mourning that will pass? Or all these loses changed her forever and made her into a complete stranger even to herself?

 

****

 

Clarke woke up early after her first night spent in her new, cozy apartment. Raven was already gone for work and soon she had to be on her duty as well. But that wasn’t enough to keep her distracted from constantly replaying the argument she had with her mother.

She was determined to prove her wrong. She prayed that determination she felt won’t fade away in her moments of doubt and lowered self esteem. But doing things because her mother disapproves shouldn’t be her motivation. She should do it for love towards painting not because she wants to get back at her mother. Why was she so upset about it in the first place? Did she really care about what Abby thought or the true reason was that she was afraid that Abby was right. Was she really that talented painter? She knows how hard that industry is. Maybe her mother was right. Maybe she should choose a safer road. Maybe she should follow her mother’s footsteps and work as a doctor anyway.

She tried to imagine how her life would look like. She didn’t dislike that profession as much as she said. But there was no passion about it. Not like when she’s painting, when hours become minutes. And brush becomes a part of her hand, part of her body. She can see the picture before it is done. And the thrill she would feel when her vision becomes real was unparallel with anything she’s ever felt. It was as if she would become a child again.

She was finished with preparing for work. And after locking the door on her way out she stopped for one moment to collect all her strength, hoping she will have enough for this decision of hers, hoping that she will be able to endure all the uncertainties that day brings, the uncertainties of it and of all the others that follow. Little afraid of all life changing choices she will be facing alone on this, probably foolish quest.

Lexa stood in front of a sign that said Woods lawyers, for quite some time now, reading it over and over again as if it was written in a different language. The door before her represented a choice and she was wondering if she should walk through them or simply turn and go back. Was this really her and her true calling or was it just something she inherited. Was it a blessing or a burden? Was she up to the task her mother had left her?

She didn’t have a lot of memories of her. She grew up listening stories of this amazing women, that always knew what to do and what was right. She saw the record of her won cases. And always admired how she chose her clients by the level of their innocence and not by the depth of their wallet. Remaining honorable in what now became a dishonorable profession. She was admired even by her colleagues whom she often opposed at court. She was Lexa’s motivation while growing up. In her moments of doubt she would say to herself think what your mother would’ve done. And it seemed that it helped her make the right decisions and choices. But when she chose to leave she knew that was not what her mother would’ve done. That was her cowardice and her alone. And now standing in front of something her mother built for Lexa it felt as if she was standing before her, filled with shame and sense of unworthiness, guilty and waiting for her verdict.

‘’What are you doing outside?! Get in!’’ Anya shouted from the window, several floors above, inviting her with one motion of her hand.

Feeling like she doesn’t have a choice anymore, Lexa took a deep breath before taking the first and hardest step, pushing the door with both of her hands. The inside was as she remembered it. Around 10 offices and employees who were negotiating with clients while bigger cases were led by her aunt Indra and her son Lincoln and now even by Anya. Lexa looked at the brown leather furniture, wooden floor, white walls and some plants in the corner, carpets, decoration, anything interesting to distract her from the feeling of not being ready and responsible enough to be there in the first place.

‘’Lexa?!’’, a voice came, revealing her cousin Lincoln when she turned to see who's was it.

‘’Hey…’’, she grinned.

‘’Look at you!’’, he said while hugging her and lifting her for a spin. ‘’ You look beautiful! I’m so glad you’re back’’

‘’Thanks…’’

‘’You are back, right?’’, he asked while lowering her and breaking the hug.

‘’Aaaa…’’ Lexa confusingly started.

‘’Of course she’s back, and we’re taking her passport.’’ Anya swooped into the conversation and winked at Lincoln. ’’Come, let’s say hi to everyone,’’ she cheerfully continued, while preparing to lead not overly enthusiastic Lexa from office to office to say hi to some old faces and some new.

Lexa was giving her maximum to try and look interested enough as people greeted her, one after another.

‘’This is Octavia, she recently joined,‘’ Anya politely introduced.

‘’Hello,’’ Lexa shook her hand.

‘’This is Lexa, our future top gun, not to mention that this is all hers.’’, Anya said, making the pressure Lexa felt slightly bigger.

‘’It’s nice to meet you.’’, Octavia replied.

‘’Thanks, don’t listen to her,’’ Lexa pointed at Anya. ‘’And welcome...’’

‘’Same.’’, Octavia said.

‘’She’s cute, I know…’’ Anya whispered to Lexa on their way out of the office. ‘’But she’s Lincoln’s territory so no touchy.’’

Lexa rolled her eyes at the insinuation that she wanted anything with Octavia.

‘’Where is aunt Indra?’’, she asked.

‘’In her office, you can go alone there.’’

‘’Please... I feel like an infant with the way you're touring me around…’’ Lexa said while heading alone to Indra’s office leaving Anya laughing.

She sighed before knocking on the door and opening them without waiting for approval. Indra was sitting on her desk, deeply involved in some papers. Lifting her look pnly after the sound of doors closing.

‘’Lexa! Oh Lexa, you finally came.’’

Her facial expression quickly changed from this serious lawyer into a caring aunt. And Lexa was honestly happy to see her. She cherished her aunt and everything she’s done for her. Protecting her after her parents died, taking care of her and their firm, educating her.

‘’How was your flight? How are you?’’ She asked while approaching to hug her.

‘’Fine, I guess.’’ Lexa answered while accepting the embrace, feeling relieved in a way. But fine wasn’t the best adjective to describe the way she felt.

‘’Is everything ok?’’ Indra asked.

‘’I don’t know,’’ Lexa said with a confusing smile.

‘’Why?’’

‘’Just adjusting I guess...the weather and everything.’’

‘’Ah yes, was it Thailand the last place, right?’’

‘’Philippines,’’ Lexa corrected her.

‘’They must be beautiful.’’

‘’They are.’’

‘’Oh let me look at you.’’ Indra said while taking a step back but holding Lexas hands. ‘’You look so like your mother,’’ she concluded.

Lexa didn’t know what to say at that. Physically, yes. She has seen the pictures, the resemblance was obvious. Same eyes, hair and cheeks but she never felt she could live up to her.

‘’So how does the world looks now.’’ Indra asked.

‘’I don’t know…It’s strange to be a part of it when you feel so different…’’

‘’So are you staying? Have you finally come to join our team?’’

Lexa’s insecurity was more visible now.

‘’Listen aunt, I will try. But I don’t want to promise anything.’’

‘’It’s ok Lexa, listen. Don’t do this because you think your parents would’ve wanted you to do this. Your mother would never force you. But for someone who finished first in law school it would be a waste if you didn’t try at least.’’

‘’For now, to try is the only thing I can promise.’’

‘’Great. Then for a start you will assist Anya on her case. It’s not a big case, standard procedures to get you back in the system and remind you of everything.’’

‘’Ok,’’ Lexa agreed through sigh.

‘’And don’t worry. It will all come back to you. We are all there for you.’’ Indra reasured her.

‘’I hope it will. Thank you…’’Lexa said while hugging her aunt again.

‘’You’ll have to excuse me now. I have a meeting but I want you to know that I am so happy that you are back and if you need anything just ask.’’

‘’Thank you once more,’’ Lexa said on her way out.

‘’Now go and find Anya. She’ll show you the rest.’’

Lexa walked out of the office with a little more enthusiasm than she had when she entered. Maybe this wasn’t that bad idea.

‘’So, what’s the verdict.’’ Anya, who was waiting for Lexa in the hall all the time, asked.

‘’She condemned me to spend too much time with you. So you can say it’s a death penalty.’’

They both smiled.

‘’What is this case you are working on? She wants me to assist you.’’

‘’It’s nothing special. Let’s go to my office.’’

On their way there Lexa saw a portrait of her parents and all the encouragement she got from her aunt was quickly replaced with anxiety.

‘’Could we go through it somewhere else?’’, Lexa asked, not entering the office.

‘’What do you mean?’’

‘’Like outside or something. No office.’’

‘’Why?’’

‘’Just…I don’t know. Can we?’’

Anya looked at Lexa suspiciously. Trying to guess what the reason might be.

‘’Ok. There’s a nice coffee house nearby. We can go there?’’

‘’That’s great.’’

‘’Ok, just let me get the papers.’’

 

****

 

‘’I can’t do this Raven. I honestly feel like I have two left hands. Yesterday I burned myself while making cappuccino. Look.’’, Clarke complained while showing still sore burns from extremely hot milk.

‘’Suck it up Clarke. It’s not like I’m enjoying in my chicken costume.’’ Raven who worked nearby and came on her break to visit Clarke replied, still tired and sleepy.

Clarke smiled at the thought of it.

‘’Yeah, when I feel bad I just imagine you wearing it. It really helps.’’

Raven threw a napkin at her.

‘’But seriously you have no idea how much I hate it.’’

‘’Suck it up. We’ll be laughing over this in few years.’’

‘’Not few years, now… I need something to happen now and change all these. I want to paint but I’m not having the time because of this shitty job and my unsupportive mother‘’ Clarke mumbled angrily while whipping wine glasses.

‘’Look at these two,’’ Raven said, looking astir all of a sudden. ‘’Aren’t they a sight.’’

Lexa and Anya walked into the coffee house, searching for a free table inside.

Clarke didn’t say anything, instead she just continued whipping and gazing at Lexa occasionally. More than she usually looks at customers.

‘’Is this table ok?’’ Anya asked.

‘’Yeah it’s fine,’’ Lexa said while pulling out the chair.

‘’Let’s sharpen these rusty senses of yours.’’

‘’Why plural?’’

‘’Because you have a lot of rusty fields, if you understand what I mean…’’

‘’Is this your way of motivating me?’’

‘’Yes’’

Lexa slapped her forehead.

‘’I’m serious. What about those two girls at the bar, for example?’’

‘’Which girls…?’’

‘’That’s what I’m talking about Rusty. You don’t care, not just about girls. You don’t care about anything anymore. The world is boring to you because there is nothing you are passionate about. So we have to find out what is it that will get you excited again.’’

‘’If you don’t kill me I don’t know what will…’’

‘’C’mon look at them. I’ve already picked but I’ll let you choose.’’ Anya continued being persistent, wearing a smirk on her face.

‘’Oh my god leave me alone,’’ Lexa pleaded.

‘’Choose, and I’ll leave you alone ok? We’ll get back to the case.’’

Lexa looked towards the bar making brief eye contact with Clarke so she quickly looked back at Anya.

‘’Blond one, ok, blond one… She’s really beautiful. Now the case, please…

‘’Ok nerdy, ok…’’ Anya said gesturing with her hands that she is giving up.

‘’I should check what they want.’’ Clarke said to Raven and headed towards Anya’s and Lexa’s table.

She approached them slowly. ‘’Excuse me would you like to order something?’’ she politely asked focusing more on Lexa and her answer.

‘’Long Island, if it’s not too early.’’ Anya answered first.

Lexa looked at Anya for a few seconds, wondering why was she even surprised. Then she briefly looked at Clarke again and returned her focus to the papers in her hand.

‘’Orange juice, thanks. And a small bottle of water’’

‘’Ok, on their way...’’ Clarke said heading towards the bar to prepare it.

What did they say? Raven asked.

‘’Long Island and orange juice…‘’

‘’I bet cocktail is for the one on the right,’’ she said while looking at Anya. ‘’Yours looks like someone who would ask for orange juice.’’

‘’Why mine?!’’ Clarke surprisingly asked.

‘’I saw you gazing at her.’’

‘’Yes she’s pretty but it’s exactly because of people like her that I dislike this job. She was just like orange juice, without even looking at me. Like the world exists only to serve her. I don’t want to smile either but I’m smiling because it’s polite.’’

‘’Looks like someone likes someone, and is a bit angry that a certain someone, is not overly enthusiastic about them.

‘’If you understand what you just said then I’m happy for you, honestly.’’ Clarke said while tapping Raven on her back.

‘’And I’m happy for you,’’ Raven teased, before returning her look towards Anya.

‘’Shut up.’’ Clarke said while focusing on preparing drinks. They were finished after several minutes and she took her trey, headed towards Anya’s and Lexa’s table, who seemed as if they finaly started discussing in a serious manner.

Clarke approached the table quietly trying not to interrupt them, serving cocktail first after what Anya winked at her as a thank you. And when she was about to serve Lexa a guy from the table behind stood up and accidentally pushed her with his chair. Which caused Lexa to suddenly stand up after her orange juice was served all over her lap.

‘’What the…’’ she started, while grabbing a tissue from the table as if that would change anything. Luckily her pants were black so the stain wasn’t that visible.

‘’I’m sorry,’’ a guy who started the domino effect said.

‘’I’m also sorry,’’ Clarke added. But a part of her wasn’t sorry, thinking that Lexa deserved it in a way. ‘’I’ll get more tissues.’’

‘’No, I’ll get it.’’ Anya quickly said. ‘’Where are they?’’

‘’At the counter,’’ Clarke said pointing towards it.

Anya smiled and went to the bar to get more tissues, which served as a great excuse to talk to Raven.

‘’Ok, your friend is gonna get more tissues.’’ Clarke started.

‘’That’s my cousin and she won’t,’’ Lexa said, still looking at her pants. ‘’She just wants to talk with your friend.’’

‘’I think they both want to talk to each other,’’ Clarke replied, looking back at Anya and Raven who were not wasting time. ‘’But really I’m sorry once more.’’

‘’Don’t worry I did my fair share of waitressing. I know what it’s like.’’

Clarke was surprised. She couldn’t imagine Lexa doing the same thing she did. She seemed too elegant for something like that.

‘’And besides, you saved me in a way,'’ Lexa added.

‘’How so?’’ Clarke frowned.

‘’I couldn’t look at those papers anymore,’’ 

Clarke smiled. ‘’Well that’s great. I thought you were one of those people who is gonna call my boss and tell him to fire me. ‘’

‘’Do I really look that scary?’’ Lexa cockily asked.

‘’No, I just thought you were a bit…I don’t know… arrogant,’’ Clarke admitted.

‘’ Maybe I’ll call that boss of yours after all,’’ Lexa said with a smile that made Clarke almost protest out loud when it started to fade.

‘’Shall we go and change your diapers,’’ Anya said, returning without tissues.

‘’Apparently…’’ Lexa replied.

There was nothing more to do then to really go back home and change. Lexa collected all the papers and Anya waved at Raven. They checked if they had forgotten anything and politely said bye.

‘’Sorry once more...’’ Clarke said.

‘’It’s ok.’’ Lexa replied on her way out.

‘’Well looks like in the end she managed to make you wet after all.’’ Anya immediately started her teasing after they found themselves on the street. ‘’I deliberately gave you some space.’’

‘’Oh, that’s why you did it. Not because of the girl at the bar?’’ Lexa asked a rhetorical question.

‘’You should thank me. And that guy who pushed her. I actually paid him to do that so it was all me.’’

‘’Shut up and find me some cab.’’

Anya did as Lexa asked. Finding a cab after few minutes while Lexa didn’t know what was annoying her more, the wet stain or the papers in her hand.

‘’Are you coming in?’’ She asked Anya before entering the vehicle.

‘’No, I have to go back. You go and don’t forget about tonight. And there are big chances you’ll see that pretty waitress of yours.’’

‘’What? How?’’

‘’I invited her friend and told her to bring her as well.’’

‘’C’mon Anya, will you stop already? You cannot force me to be with someone.’’

‘’Shut up and go change. And also don’t forget to read this.’’ She said while pointing at the papers in Lexa’s hand. ‘’ I’ll question you tomorrow, in spite of my expected hangover.’’

She rolled her eyes and Anya closed the door after her. Lexa said her address and let her head fall back against the seat. Her eyes were closed while processing all the events that were bestowed upon her today. She could smell oranges in the air and Clarkes face somehow appeared. Arrogance was a one thing she hated the most and yet a few moments ago she was told she looked arrogant. Is this what she has become? She was actually grateful that Clarke told her the truth. Maybe that’s exactly what she needed to shake her, someone who didn’t really care about her feelings. And could openly tell her the truth without being afraid how Lexa would take it.

 

****  
 

‘’C’mon Clarke. Let’s go out.''

‘’Raven I’m working tomorrow.''

‘’I’m working as well. So what? You can leave early.’’

‘’I don’t know. I don’t feel like going.’’

‘’Clarke you think too much. It will pass like everything does.’’

‘’What if my mother is right? I hate when she’s right. What if I’m doing this because she’s irritating me not because I really love art? Maybe I deliberately chose something so unachievable just to prove to her that I can make it happen?’’

‘’Oh my god Clarke, you think too much. Go and find something to wear and let’s go.’’

‘’But what if she’s right?’’

‘’Then she’s right. This is not how I imagined having a roommate was. We were supposed to be drunk by now.’’

‘’It’s impossible to talk with you.’’ Clarke concluded.

‘’It’s impossible to listen to you. I’ll record you I swear and then I’ll play it for you. And then you’ll tell me what’s worse. Now go and dress!’’ Raven ordered and Clarke annoyingly agreed.

On their way to the club they shared a cab in the same manner. Clarke was occupied with her thoughts and Raven unsuccessfully tried to change that. They waited at the entrance, which only annoyed Clarke more and when they finally entered the overly loud music wasn’t helping her either. Raven led their way, having Anya texted her table and reservation number.

‘’Hi girls, you managed to come, that’s great.’’ Anya said while introducing Raven and Anya to the group of what seemed was around 10 people.

‘’Octavia!?’’, Both Clarke and Raven said, obviously shocked.

‘’Hey guys.’’ Octavia answered equally surprised.

‘’What are you doing here?’’ they asked while hugging each other.

‘’You guys know each other?’’ Anya asked.

‘’Yes, we were in the same high school. But we somehow lost contact over the years.’’ Raven explained.

‘’Yes, I moved because of college and I’ve just recently got back.’’ Octavia continued.

‘’It’s nice to see you again,’’ Clarke said. ‘’Is it still law?’’

‘’Yes…’’ Octavia said. ‘’That’s how I got into this group. I’m an intern at Woods lawyers.’’

‘’Woods lawyers, connecting people?’’, Lincoln said. ‘’Is Lexa now the only one we’re waiting for?’’

‘’Who is Lexa? Clarke asked.

‘’The girl who will probably never again order orange juice,’’ Anya replied and both her and Raven started laughing.

Now Clarke was completely sure she shouldn’t have come.

 

****

 

In Lexa’s apartment the atmosphere was slightly different. She was sitting in the dark enveloped in the silence of her living room. Fully dressed but still hesitating whether she should go or not. The sentiment of self-pity was overwhelming. It didn’t seem fair to be 25 and already exhausted. But it was her truth, a fact, and it was enough to fill defeated. The papers Anya had given her she barely touched. And it was questionable if she was aware of the time or was late on purpose. Her phone glittered in the dark causing her to change focus from staring into nothing to the display that had Anya’s name and number written on it.

‘’Where are you. Everyone is waiting for you. And the girls are already here.’’

New message came.

 **Anya** :

_‘’By the way her name is Clarke. Be nice at least. And I want a rise for doing things like this for you ;)_

And then it glittered again.

 **Anya** :

_I swear this dark haired girl has come to punish me for all my sins. She’s so hot._

That message did create a barely visible smile on her face. Lexa decided to go but not to stay for long. She’ll just honor her promise and leave early. That way everyone will get what they wanted. Clarke. Lexa was wondering why was Anya so persistent about her? The girl thought Lexa was arrogant. And Lexa couldn’t care less about what she thought about her. She barely knew her.

When she found herself in front of the club she felt incredible pain in her chest. She and Costia used to come there all the time. Their first date, their first kiss, it all started there. She was angry at Anya for choosing that place. The music was loud enough that it could be heard from outside. Lexa entered hesitantly scanning the entire place in search for the table where everyone was waiting for her. She spotted them across the podium meaning she had to push her way through the jumping and euphoric mass. She started going through the crowd and half way through she found herself not being able to continue. Standing in the middle of the podium surrounded by bunch of euphoric people who were threatening to drain out this small amount of energy she had left. She somehow approached the table in a slightly modest way. Delaying overly cheerful reaction she will receive when everyone sees her, if she could only swoop in without anyone noticing her, if she could only be invisible.

‘’There she is!’’ Anya shouted, causing everyone to focus on Lexa which was exactly the opposite of what she wanted.

‘’We were worried you left again.’’

‘’Keep teasing me and I will.’’

‘’I’m stopping I swear.’’ Anya said. ‘’Well you know everyone, except Raven.’’ Anya motioned toward her and Lexa shook Raven’s hand. ‘’And this is…’’

‘’Clarke,’’ Lexa said, finishing Anya’s sentence.

‘’Yes’’, Clarke surprisingly frowned. ‘’And you are Lexa, right? Anya talks about you a lot.’’ Clarke said while shaking Lexa’s hand. ’’How did you know my name…?’’

‘’My source of information is also anya.com,’’ Lexa said causing Clarke to smile.

Lexa was trying to hide her anxiety. But her clubbing days were behind her. To her all of this was exhausting and Clarke could see how uncomfortable she felt.

‘’Another round!’’, Anya shouted to the waiter.

‘’Not for me,’’ Lexa whispered to her.

‘’Nothing…?’’

‘’Nothing…’’

‘’C’mon Lex, one drink, what’s it gonna hurt?’’ Anya kept insisting.

‘’You know I quit.’’

‘’I know but…one…’’

‘’And you know why I quit.’’

‘’I know.’’

‘’So please stop.’’ Lexa concluded.

Clarke was confused by the argument that only she heard. She couldn’t figure out was Lexa this witty, charismatic girl or an arrogant egocentric that didn’t care what other people think or want.

The time ran slowly for Lexa. Every minute was a struggle. She didn’t know how to endure it. And her often glancing at her watch also didn’t help speeding up the time. Anya was mostly the one who was talking. Constantly retelling interesting stories involving Lexa and the crazy things she did. Clarke listened to it not really being able to imagine Lexa, the one she was looking at doing all that. The stories were unrealistic to her. Maybe they would sound real if it was someone else and not this Lexa she just met. Person from those stories was someone who was impulsive and careless. Lexa seemed too serious for that.

Even Lexa didn’t feel like she was listening about herself. Was she really capable of doing things like jumping into the river from a small bridge like she did in the last story Anya told? She couldn’t even remember some of those moments. Maybe she really did those things. But she didn’t feel she could repeat them. She quietly excused herself and went outside hiding how much she felt like she’d suffocate. There was nothing she could do or say. There was no doctor that could give her a medicine. There was no surgery that could be performed to take out these feelings that were overwhelming. She thought she was at peace with the events that happened. She thought she had enough time to heal. She thought those were just scars now. But each significant place she visited was like a knife that made those scars bleed again.

Clarke was pretty much bored after Anya had finished retelling the stories. Now everyone was talking with someone and she found herself in a place where she didn’t want to be, listening to the music she disliked with an empty glass and exhausting thoughts. Anya and Raven were also separated from Clarke and were pretty much enjoying their own conversation. Seeing them Clarke couldn’t help but smile. But it was also a reminder that she lacked love in her life as well. Feeling completely empty she wanted to go home but for a start she only went outside for some fresh air.

Lexa was leaning on a fence in front of her, with a look that was revealing more than she was willing to admit, distant and far from things that were surrounding her. The only thing she could feel was cold breeze touching her cheeks.

‘’What are you doing outside?’’ Clarke interrupted her thoughts. ‘’ I thought I was the only one suffocating there.’’

‘’Can I tell you a secret?’’ Lexa said without looking at Clarke.

‘’Sure…’’ Clarke said suspiciously.

‘’I hate clubs.’’

‘’Really…? I don’t think I can believe that after all those stories I’ve heard about you.’’

‘’Someone arrogant as me wouldn’t be capable of doing those things.’’ Lexa teased.

‘’Wow, that one really got stuck with you.’’

‘’It really did.’’

They both smiled and remained silent until Clarke broke it.

‘’Are you going back inside?’’ she asked.

‘’Actually I was planning on going back home.’’

‘’Me also, I was about to tell you to excuse me with the group.’’

‘’You know what, let’s just leave without saying anything.’’

‘’Now that sounds like something a person from those stories would do…’’

‘’Maybe I am that person after all.’’

‘’Maybe you’re really not that arrogant…’’ Clarke said teasingly which caused Lexa to smile…Should we find a cab or…?’’ Clarke asked.

‘’Actually I wanted to walk…’’

‘’All the way home…?’’

‘’Yes…’’

‘’You live close?’’

‘’No…’’ Lexa calmly answered.

‘’So you’ll walk all the way home?’’

‘’It took me two days to reach base camp of Himalayas. I think I can handle few hours.’’

‘’You’ve…? You’ve reached… Have you been on top?’’ Clarke asked, not being able to comprehend all these information while Lexa was simply smiling at her confused state.

‘’No…’’

‘’Why not…?’’

‘’I hate cold, I just wanted to see what they look like, from up close…’’

‘’That’s… wow, that’s one of the weirdest answers I’ve ever heard.’’ Clarke giggled and Lexa only shrugged her shoulders. ‘’That really is curiosity. Mine ends with googling it.’’

Lexa smiled at that. ‘’So are you walking…. or should we google you some taxi?’’

Clarke couldn’t remove her smile. ‘’Ok, I’ll walk, but not all the way home. I’m still not that level.’’

They started walking, silent yet not awkwardly silent. It was something they both really needed, someone to be silent with.

‘’What made you want to suffocate in there, Anya’s stories? ’’Lexa asked after some time.

‘’No, she’s funny. Everyone is nice. It’s me and my stupid head. And I felt like I was ruining the atmosphere. You…?’’

‘’Something similar… ‘’

‘’I feel like chaos is everywhere around me.’’ Clarke said after a moment of silence they shared.

‘’It’s not really chaos for me. It’s more some annoying fear that I can’t get rid of. I didn’t have that before…’’ Lexa replied while frowning.

‘’You don’t really seem like someone who gets easily scared. I don’t know that many people who got to the base camp.’’

Lexa smiled at that. ‘’This is different type of fear.’’

They kept walking and not talking for some time. There was some aura around Lexa that Clarke couldn’t figure out. Some mysteriousness that was very appealing. And she kept thinking about it until Lexa broke the silence. Maybe out of fear that Clarke would do it first and ask her something she wasn’t really eager to answer or maybe because she was just trying to be polite.

‘’Is there anything else you do besides working in that coffee house?’’

‘’I’m a senior, about to get my medical degree.’’

‘’Really…? That’s nice. Doctor is an admirable profession.’’

‘’You sound like my mother.’’ Clarke said while crossing her arms. ‘’ I’m not sure if that’s what I want to do.’’

‘’What is it that you would like to do?’’

‘’I would like to paint.’’

‘’Really…? So artist and a doctor…? That’s really rare.’’

‘’Yes but I’m not sure if I can do both.’’

‘’Well what do you prefer?’’

‘’Art...’’

‘’Then do art.’’

‘’It’s easier to say then done. ‘’

‘’Well if there is anything I could do to help. You let me know.’’

‘’Thanks but I don’t think there is much you could do.’’

‘’I could teach you how to not spill an orange juice on someone.’’

‘’Hey that wasn’t my fault. But I’m not gonna lie you have no idea how much I hate my job.’’

‘’I’m sorry to hear that but I’m relieved.’’

‘’Why…?’’

‘’I thought it was me you hated.’’

‘’Well…You did look reserved.’’

‘’And arrogant…’’ Lexa cockily added.

‘’Ok, I was wrong I get it. I’m sorry I jumped to conclusion to fast,’’ Clarke admitted through smile.

‘’Truce…?’’ Lexa offered.

‘’Truce...’’

They glanced at each other, both with smirks on their faces and both thinking how pretty the other one was at that moment.

‘’So you travelled a lot?’’

‘’Yes...’’ Lexa said not overly excited.

‘’What is it that you liked the most?’’

‘’Lots of places... It is a big and beautiful world. But I liked the most when I was talking with the sea.’’

‘’How do you talk with the sea…?’’

‘’You’ve never talked with the sea?’’

‘’No, I try to talk with people.’’

‘’Sea tells you a lot more than people do.’’

‘’What does it say?’’

‘’Last time we spoke it told me that I have to come here. But I’m not sure it was a good advice.’’

‘’Then why did you listen to it?’’

‘’Because I also wasn’t sure it was a bad advice. I needed to come here and see.’’

‘’And what do you think now that you’re here?’’

‘’It’s still early to say. But this entire day felt like it was a bad advice.’’

‘’So you’ll leave again?’’

‘’Probably… I don’t know.’’

‘’I don’t know if I could leave. I like it here.’’

‘’I used to like it her as well.’’

‘’What changed…?’’

‘’Me, I guess,’’ Lexa shortly answered, trying to avoid the problematic topics.

Clarke could sense that there was more to that answer than what Lexa had given her. She was compelled to know more about this girl who gave simplest answers that only made her look like even bigger question mark. She gave weirdest answers in the most peaceful manner. Clarke wanted more and yet in order to know more she felt she shouldn’t push any further.

‘’You know what? As much as I’ve enjoyed this walk I don’t think I have the strength to walk any longer. My feet are killing me. I practically stand most of the time at work.’’

‘’No problem... I’ll call you a cab,’’ Lexa offered.

‘’No need, there are lots of cabs behind the corner,’’ Clarke said and stretched her hand. ‘’ I guess I’ll see you around then, unless the sea tells you to leave overnight...’’

For no reason Lexa’s hand tingled the moment it touched Clarke’s. ‘’ Let’s leave it at bye for now.’’

‘’Thank you for the walk…’’

‘’Anytime…’’

‘’Then, may we meet again.’’

‘’Let’s hope so.’’

Lexa watched Clarke cross the street until her shadow was lost behind the corner. The walk they just shared was actually the only moment from that day that made her forget about everything that was occupying her mind. She almost felt relived and it felt unrealistic. It was soothing and peaceful and the feeling will stay with her the entire night as she walked all the way home and will also serve as a pill that will put her to sleep.


	2. Frozen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music:  
> Gary Jules-Mad world  
> Blow soundtrack- Graeme Revell  
> Soundtrack: Project 46-Sign

Lexa woke up to the sound of traffic coming from her opened window. She wasn’t cheerful or sad, full of energy or tired she was just lying in her bed, silent in the emptiness of her room. Awoken, not by a specific rush or need to do something. Just by her natural biorhythm, with no specific thoughts in her head, or course in life. There was only longing for something undefined and feeling of not belonging to anything or anyone.

She got out of bed to make breakfast and checked her phone eventually which was full of Anya’s messages. At first they were worrying type of messages, but they quickly turned into Oh you are both gone. I’m relieved now. Make me proud. And similar teasing about the walk with Clarke, which reminded Lexa of the walk itself and how peaceful it was. Clarke seemed like a nice girl.

But the thoughts of Clarke were quickly replaced by the case she was supposed to assist Anya on. And which she found herself looking at. She didn’t dislike law. She was best in her class. But what she actually liked was the idea that not often, rather sometimes, you get the chance to be a part of justice being done. You contribute in a small way, to something bigger than you, driven and guided by your principles and ideals. And after too much thinking she decided that it would be useful for her to work, for some time at least. It might be one of those things that you dislike all the way but it’s necessary for you to continue doing it, to get through wanting to quit phase in order to become something else, maybe something better, or simply more resistive.

She started her preparations for work, slowly, unconsciously delaying her departure, changing one shirt after another. Trying various combinations, more so to amuse herself, rather than disliking the way it looked. And when she couldn’t find any more excuses she decided it was time to go.

It wasn’t hard to find a taxi. But due to the traffic they took a different root than usual, longer one. With a distant look Lexa glanced through the window at the city that she once knew so well, like herself. She watched the way people chaotically moved as if someone was speeding them up. While in her life everything seemed like it was in slow motion. Lexa wondered will it change in time, like everyone kept saying. For her relying on time was a foolish idea. For her, time, was a fake friend who doesn’t heal old wounds but only replaces them with new ones.

‘’Stop,’’ she suddenly said to the driver. ‘’ Sorry, I’ll go out here.’’

She wasn’t sure if she wanted to leave the cab. It came out more as a reflex, maybe again because of unconscious delaying, or maybe because she was in a masochistic mood. Or maybe because she simply needed consolation, which was nowhere to be found in the things that were surrounding her. And therefore she had to turn to those who were gone. Whatever the reason was she was standing at the entrance to the cemetery, gazing upon stones that spread across the field like dominos.

An old lady nearby was selling flowers. And Lexa suddenly felt the need to buy some. It was a small memento that will mean nothing to those whom she suddenly decided to visit and yet it didn’t feel right to come empty handed.

‘’Hello… ‘’ Lexa said with a courteous smile. ‘’Could you please give me these three?’’ she said pointing at small bouquets that were nearest to her.

‘’Of course my dear…’’ old lady replied. And proceeded to picking them carefully, minding she doesn’t damage the decoration. ‘’So young and already here …’’

‘’Yes…’’ Lexa said, slightly frowning for she hated pity which she expected was coming.

‘’Long time ago or recently…?’’

Lexa made a brief pause before answering. ‘’Both…’’

‘’That’s life isn’t it?’’ A woman said while kindly handling flowers to Lexa. ‘’You cannot have it without loss.’’

‘’I guess you can’t…’’ Lexa said while opening her purse. ‘’How much for the flowers…?’’ she asked while taking out her wallet.

‘’It’s ok,’’ the woman answered. ‘’For you it’s free.’’

Lexa lifted her surprised look to find old lady kindly smiling at her. ‘’But there’s no need really,’’ She insisted, offering the bill.

Woman refused the money again. ‘’The moment you start loving life again think of it as my payment.’’ She said in a manner that made Lexa yield and think of it long afterwards. It was a simple and small gesture to show Lexa how just like bad things, good things also happen unexpectedly, without any reason and when you least expect them. There was nothing that Lexa could do but to thank her politely and continue going where she was headed in the first place.

She found her parents grave first, staying there for some time to honor the memory of them. She didn’t know them that well as people to miss them. She missed more the idea of having parents. That harbor or a safe house that you can always come back to, someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally, no matter how bad you screw things up.

It was unclear to which extent Lexa was at peace with their faith. She was long over the angry in your bones phase. Those were the underage phases in which you hate life for making your circumstances more difficult than they are for your peers. Circumstances that can lead you to anger and jealousy, making you feel emotionally crippled. Innocently condemned, depraved of the most natural thing in the world and you haven’t done anything wrong. Until you learn to let go, to bury your pain and leave it to the past and focus on finding a different harbor. But what to do when you lose the other one as well?

She found Coastia’s grave, not very far from her parents but not close either. She placed the bouquet carefully, leaning it on the grave stone and caressing carved letters with her fingers.

‘’Sorry that I haven’t visited for so long,’’ Lexa said.

She wasn’t superstitious. She didn’t believe in God or went to church. And yet in moments like those she wanted to believe. For that would mean that ghosts existed as well and that maybe Costia was looking at her now or could even be beside her. She didn’t mind the cold wind that breezed her cheeks and was becoming stronger. Or the fact that weather was getting worse. She will stay there for some time not eager to let go of the past, feeling that with letting it go she would perish and that memories were the only valuable thing she possessed. The old ladie's words couldn’t reach to her. Not yet, at least.

 

****

 

Clarke sat in front of an empty canvas for most of the night. She couldn’t sleep after the walk. There was this sudden and incredible desire to paint and due to adrenalin, she spent half a night awake. Something was tickling her, it was exciting and annoying and she didn’t know what to paint in order to get it out. She painted mostly landscapes and she wanted to do it again but in a different way than before… Same issues she had were still present. Yes she was not returning her mother’s calls. But there was this feeling that everything will somehow be ok. Hope and patience mixed together and she didn’t know why she felt that way and how to express it?

‘’You’re awake?’’ Raven said while entering her room. ‘’We have to go soon…’’

‘’Yes, I didn’t sleep.’’

‘’Why…?’’

‘’I don’t know I wanted to paint.’’

Raven looked at the canvas, confused. ‘’But there is nothing on it...’’

‘’I know. I’m in the phase of processing.’’ Clarke said, still focused.

‘’Where were you last night. You just left?’’

‘’I’m surprised you noticed. You seemed rather busy.’’

Raven couldn’t contain her grin.

‘’We have a date today.’’ She enthusiastically said. ‘’You’ll have to wait with me for her.’’

‘’Why…?’’

‘’Because it will look like I had other things to do as well, not just wait for our date...’’

‘’Why do people do things like that…?’’

‘’Cause she’s probably gonna come on a date after some important meeting in her suit and looking hot as fuck…I on the other hand have to figure out how to get out alive out of a chicken costume...’’

Clarke started to laugh.

‘’Seriously..? Every time?’’

‘’Every time, I can’t help it…’’ Clarke said while picturing Raven’s chicken costume.

‘’So you’ll come with me?’’

‘’All right, all right…’’, Clarke annoyingly agreed. ‘’You two really don’t waste time.’’

‘’Of course…’’ Raven said while lifting her eyebrow. ‘’But look who’s talking, miss I disappeared in the middle of the night with a hot girl.’’ Raven teasingly said.

‘’We just took a walk. Actually I think she took a walk all the way home.’’ Clarke smiled at the remembrance it.

‘’Yeah right, look at that smile.’’

‘’What smile?’’

‘’Idiots smile, you know when you smile at nothing.’’

Clarke just looked at her with pursed lips.

‘’But be careful with her. ‘’

‘’What? Why?’’

‘’Anya told me some things… ‘’

‘’What things…?’’

‘’ Well she like lost a girlfriend two years ago and is a bit different since then. I think she was hit by a car or something. That’s why she left. And in a way she’s still into her. I mean not literally but still mourning.’’

‘’I… I had no idea… ‘’

‘’She didn’t tell you anything?’’

‘’No, of course not… Why should she...’’

Clarke was overwhelmed with sympathy for Lexa, this girl that she barely knew and will probably never meet again. She understood Lexa’s anxiety now and that mysterious aura. She felt ashamed for even thinking she was arrogant. No wonder Lexa remembered it. It occurred to her how boring and stupid she must’ve sounded to Lexa, complaining about her problems which were nothing compared to Lexa’s losses. This girl that has been who knows where and seen who knows what was listening to hers superficial ramblings. No wonder her answers were always so short. She was only being courteous in her boredom. And then something occurred to Clarke and she smiled.

‘’What is it?’’Raven asked.

‘’Nothing…’’

‘’C’mon go get dressed we are supposed to go.’’

‘’I know, I’ll be ready in ten.’’

‘’Ok.’’ Raven said while leaving the room

Clarke went to get ready for work. Feeling not so troubled as all the previous mornings, for she finally knew what to paint and she’s not going to google it.

 

**** 

 

‘’There you are Casanova.’’, Anya had to tease. ‘’How was it?’’

Lexa smiled. ‘’How was what.’’

‘’You and blondie disappear all of the sudden, after drinking, and it’s night… What’s the first thing a normal person thinks of?’’

‘’Since when do you fall into the category of normal people?’’

‘’C’mon share.’’

‘’The walk ‘’, Lexa started while emphasizing the word walk, ‘’…was pretty nice.’’

‘’What? Walk?’’ Anya frowned. ‘’ You just walked? You two are so boring.’’

‘’You are really starting to annoy me.’’

‘’You know I’m joking, I adore to tease you.’’

‘’Actually I should be the one teasing you.’’

‘’Why…?’’

‘’Dark haired, what’s her name again?’’

‘’Ah Raven’’ Anya said with a grin.

‘’That grin is toothpaste commercial worthy…’’

‘’Shut up, love doesn’t exist in my dictionary.’’

‘’The grin is saying differently.’’

‘’I’m not gonna lie, she threatens to top all the others before her but you know I’m not falling in love type.’’

‘’One day you’ll know what love is…’’

‘’Ohhh no and to end up like you, no thanks.’’

Anya instantly regretted what she said noticing quick mood change on Lexa’s face.

‘’Sorry, you know that’s not how I meant. I thought…’’

‘’No, don’t worry. I know.’’ Lexa struggled to keep her enthusiasm on the same level. ‘’And you didn’t say anything that’s not true.’’

‘’But I didn’t want to remind you…’’

‘’No it’s ok, really.’’

‘’Let’s have a drink after work. I have one hour of free time before date.’’

‘’Sure. I’ve been your wingman before.’’

‘’It would cheer me up more if I was yours but ok, ok, I won’t start.’’ She said while closing imaginary zipper over her mouth.

Lexa smiled. ‘’I’ll be in my office.’’

''Ok''

Lexa closed the door and instead going to her desk she went to the window with her arms crossed and a distant look. Anya’s words were true. She hated the fact that love made her the way she was now. When you decide to love you are taking a risk, you are gambling. And when you lose big time it’s highly unlikely you’ll want to play again. And that was the courage she lacked. She could decide over night that she wants to go to the moon and she would find a way to get there but if someone would dare her to love she would simply slam the door.

It was time for her to snap out of this. What was the point of life if she is going to live it in fear? She went to her aunt’s office determined to find a case that she is going to work on, a proper case, with innocent people to help and protect. To try and fight for someone’s life and maybe if she doesn’t fail it will give her the strength to fight for her own.

‘’I want a different case.’’ Lexa said entering Indra’s office without knocking.

‘’What’s wrong?’’ Indra said with a vague smile.

‘’I need something to shake me up. Something I’ll be passionate about, an interesting case ‘’

‘’My dear I don’t think a case can do all those things for a person.’’

‘’I know but at least something more interesting than this one.’’

‘’I know but you just came, be patient. Finish this one and after 6 months or a year you’ll lead your own cases. ‘’

‘’But…’’ Lexa started.

‘’Trust me, I get how you feel. But I know why I’m saying this.’’

Lexa took a deep breath feeling that all of her enthusiasm and energy had splashed.

‘’And if you want my advice you can find all those things you described in a different place.’’

Until she and Anya didn’t leave for a drink, Lexa spent the remaining hours in her office, mostly frustrated.

 

**** 

 

‘’How do I look…?’’ Raven asked for the third time.

‘’I’m not answering anymore…’’ Clarke said refusing to look at her.

‘’Clarke don’t do this to me, I’m really into her.’’

‘’Raven every two days you’re into someone. Don’t worry you’re fine. ‘’

There she is. Raven grinned. Clarke lifted her look and her heart made a strange beat seeing Lexa next to Anya.

‘’Hi girls, it’s always a pleasure to see you.’’ Anya said

‘’Likewise…’’, Raven added.

Lexa politely smiled and nodded.

‘’I see both of us have personal escort.’’ Anya said to Raven.

‘’I feel more like we’re babysitting the two of you.’’, Lexa said

‘’Oh so you two are already thinking about kids.’’

Both Lexa and Clarke looked at her significantly.

‘’I meant individually not what the two thought,‘’ Anya sad contently while looking at Raven who was smiling.

‘’Just go. ‘’ Lexa said and frowned.

‘’Bye mommies ,’’ Both Anya and Raven said while waving, making both Clarke and Lexa’s eyes roll.

‘’Sooo…’’, Clarke started awkwardly while looking at Lexa. ‘’You’re still here?’’

‘’Huh…? ‘’, Lexa surprisingly said.

‘’The sea didn’t tell you to leave. ‘’

‘’Oh,’’ Lexa smiled. ‘’We haven’t talked yet.’’

‘’Any mountains in store for you today…?’’

‘’No, just the usual walk all the way home procedure...’’

‘’Why did I expect anything else…?’’

‘’I’m also on my way home but I’ll use train to get there…’’

‘’After you,’’ Lexa said and motioned in the direction they were supposed to go, letting Clarke go first.

They started walking, silent, just like their first time.

‘’Didn’t think I’d see you again?’’ Clarke said, breaking the silence.

‘’Well with the progress those two are making I think we’ll see each other a lot.’’

Clarke didn’t have anything against that.‘ ’Yeah, they really hit it off. But I had the need to thank you.’’

‘’What for…?’’

‘’Thanks to you I figured what I want to paint.’’

‘’Really what are you gonna paint about?’’

‘’I paint landscapes but I’ll do it slightly differently this time.’’

‘’You’ll show it to me when it’s done?’’

‘’Sure, why not…’’

‘’Guess I was able to help after all, huh?’’

‘’I guess you did.’’

‘’I’m glad at least one of us is getting some progress.’’

‘’What’s wrong?’’

‘’I just don’t know how long I’ll be able to endure working. When I’m in the office, I feel like I’m in a prison. I need something less… I don’t know less…’’

‘’Official…’’, Clarke finished.

Lexa looked at her, surprised for it was exactly the word she was looking for. Clarke didn’t know what to say, what to do or how to help but had the need for all of those things.

‘’Why don’t you come in the coffee house like you did with Anya, if the office is what you dislike? I won’t spill anything I promise.’’

They both smiled.

‘’I don’t know I’ll see. If it gets really bad, I’ll come.’’

They became quiet for few minutes. Clarke could see the substation and wanted to talk during this small amount of time they will share but couldn’t find topic interesting enough.

‘’How are the studies going…?’’

‘’Ahhh I don’t know. Actually thought about quitting them is actively going on in my head.’’

‘’Why…?’’

‘’Because that’s not me… I enrolled it because of my mother.’’

‘’Yes but you’re so close.’’

‘’But I don’t like it.’’

‘’But still… You should finish the things you start. You could’ve said no 4 years ago before you enrolled it. But you didn’t. Now you have to deal with the consequences of your choice.’’

They approached the stairs that lead to the station below the ground but they still couldn’t end conversation.

‘’You really sound like my mother. How can I explain to the world that’s not what I want to do?’’

‘’I’m not telling you to become a doctor. Finish what you started and then do what you like.’’

‘’I can’t…I don’t have time and strength to do all that, and work.’’

‘’You’re tiring yourself, It’s a waste of energy. Instead of thinking too much use that time to organize properly.

‘’If only it were that easy. I barely make enough for rent. I’m not ok with my mother. I wasted 4 years studying something I don’t like…’’

‘’Ok, here’s what we’re gonna do,’’ Lexa said and took a 100 dollar bill out of her wallet. She showed it to Clarke who shrugged her shoulders not really understanding the meaning.

Lexa looked at her before she tore the bill in half.

‘’What’re you doing?!’’ Clarke said in shock.

‘’I’m betting on you, Clarke.’’ Lexa calmly replied. ‘’One half I’ll give you now. When you finish your studies you’ll get the other half, if not you’ll give me back the one you have.’’

‘’You are insane.’’

‘’Maybe… Or maybe I just see in you lot more than you see in yourself. ‘’ Lexa said while looking at Clarke and realizing that she genuinely means it. And that it wasn’t just a motivation trick as she only planned for it to be in the first place. ’’Afraid that I’m right…?’’, Lexa added with a smirk.

‘’Give me that…’’ Clarke frowned and took one half from Lexa’s hand.

‘’You could’ve just given me the money…’’

‘’Where’s the fun in that.’’

‘’Ok, the bet is on.’’ Clarke said while taking one step down. ‘’I’ll see you.’’

Lexa only looked at Clarke with a smile and waved.

While waiting for the train Clarke kept glancing at the half Lexa had given her. Everything Lexa did or said stayed with Clarke long afterwards. She was an enigma, wise beyond her age type of a person. Complex and simple and Clarke wished she was like that instead of this coward that is afraid of little work. She always thought about herself as someone who was more aware of the world than her peers and when she was with Lexa she felt as if she was the most superficial girl in the world. How could she possibly be interesting to Lexa? And what is that more that Lexa said she sees? Was it just a lie? Clarke thought it had to be a lie.But she was determined to change that.


	3. Broken ladder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music:  
> Dido-My lover's gone  
> Common linnets - Calm after the storm

Lexa was in her office, tired from her sleepless night and exhausting dream that she prayed she would stop dreaming. She was trying to figure out how to get through the case she was reading but gave up eventually, surrendering to the back of her chair with closed eyes and a long exhale. She played with the ring on her finger, spinning it slowly, as if she was praying, lost in memories that were swirling around her.

_‘’What is this?’’ Lexa asked in awe and disbelieve._

_‘’Nothing, I was just bored and felt extremely in love…’’ Costia said._

_‘’You are crazy… Lexa said in between kisses. ‘’I’m never taking it off…’’_

Now part of her wanted to take it off but it felt like an insult to the memory of the person who gave it to her in the first place. And Lexa could never desecrate the memory of Costia . Her promise echoed in her head and she quickly stopped spinning it, placing it back firmly where it was. She looked at this small, silver shackle and it suddenly reminded her of Abby’s bracelet that was now with Lexa in her apartment. She remembered the engraving and wondered how would she feel if she ever lost the ring?

She wished she wasn’t occupied with all these thoughts. It was exhausting. But what else could she do?  Maybe city life really wasn’t for her anymore. Maybe she should live on some mountain or in a forest. She smiled at the thought of it and remembered her own advice to Clarke three days ago about over thinking. Who was she to give advices? She was doing the same thing.

Clarke’s advice on the other hand didn’t seem like a bad one. Maybe she should change environment. Maybe the problem was in these walls she was looking at. Maybe it was the look her colleagues were giving her when she would pass by. Their look matched the one you make when you are watching a puppy walking with one broken leg. Maybe the energy she was using to pretend she could lean on her forth leg was what’s draining all her strength. But if you let yourself be vulnerable won’t you end up being even more hurt? She thought about it for few minutes before she decided to collect all the papers take her things and go out.

‘’Where are you going…?’’, Anya asked, surprised to meet Lexa in the hall.

‘’I just have to… check something. Don’t worry, ’’ Lexa rapidly answered.

‘’It’s you, I have to worry.’’ Anya said, spinning her index fingers around her head causing Lexa to smile in return.

Clarke was wiping juice glasses in a slightly content mood. Three days ago she accepted a dare. The bet is gonna cost her sleep but if she succeeds it will be worth it. It was a bit frightening but she was determined to paint and yes she will finish her studies. Hopefully, in two moths she will have her degree. All her life she felt her mother thought of her as a failure. And by not finishing her studies that’s exactly what she’ll be and she will only prove Abby was right.

The painting she started working on was progressing nicely and she couldn’t wait to come home and continue. Again she felt that the one she should thank for this suddenly clear vision of what she should do with her life was Lexa. Her thoughts ran to her and a grin followed. She didn’t know why. Probably because Lexa was so different from everyone else she knew. She suddenly became aware of her grin and kept failing at every attempt to remove it. It actually only became wider when she saw Lexa walking in. She blinked few times due to a strange heartbeat after Lexa waved at her in a greeting manner with a nod and a smirk. Clarke convinced herself it was only joy of seeing a friendly face. That was all. No she didn’t notice Lexa’s white suit or her wavy hair or the fact that she moved so elegantly with such ease. Or that she had this aura that emitted wisdom, strength and peacefulness, all at once. She looked untouchable and Clarke only sighed.

Lexa found a free table which wasn’t very hard since coffee houses are rarely busy in the morning. And she watched Clarke approaching her table.

‘’Hi,’’ Clarke joyfully said.

‘’Hey,’’ Lexa smiled.

‘’What brings you here?’’

‘’I wanted to see if it’s safe to order one orange juice?’’

Clarke grinned at that. ‘’I can’t promise anything.’’

‘’I’ll take the risk,’’ Lexa said and watched Clarke go to bring the juice.

When she returned with it, Lexa lifted her look from the papers teasingly saying: ‘’Watch it, watch it,’’ as Clarke was lowering the glass. ‘’These are white.’’ Lexa said while motioning at her pants

Clarke smiled and noticed papers on the table. ’’I see you managed to escape your prison.’’

Lexa vaguely smiled. ‘’Yes but the shackles are still with me,’’ she said while looking at the papers.

‘’Maybe the fact that I’ve decided to finish my studies will cheer you up a bit.’’

‘’That’s great,’’ Lexa enthusiastically said. ‘’That means I’ll win the bet.’’

‘’Maybe I should bet on you and regain my loss.’’

‘’I wouldn’t bet on me.’’

There was something in Lexa’s tone that made Clarke’s heart ache. ‘’Why not…?’’ she said.

‘’Cause when I play house always wins…’’

Clarke wasn’t sure what Lexa was referring to and she remembered her talk with Raven about Lexa’s girlfriend. ‘’Well, you’ve never played with me before.’’

‘’You know some tricks?’’

‘’I know few.’’

‘’Then I’m saved.’’

Clarke opened her mouth to say something but noticed that a customer was calling her. And what came out was: ‘’Excuse me.’’

For the next few hours that Lexa spent there they didn’t have the chance to talk. Clarke would only occasionally gaze at her for she seemed really involved with what she was reading. Clarke watched intently how serious and focused she was, how she flipped the pages and how she would lean her head on her hand, looking all thoughtful.

Lexa on the other hand more looked thoughtful than she felt. What she was trying to do was not to think. To try and shut her head somehow, block her thoughts or at least take control over them. When she would snap out of it sometimes she would catch Clarke looking at her and she would smile. She would actually notice her, this beautiful girl that wants to pursue her dream. And what is life if not pursuit of a dream? But do we dream the right ones, the best ones for us? Or we become obsessed with illusions and end up letting life pass by. We refuse what it’s offering to us, what life means it’s best for us and arrogantly claim we know better. Determined that we know what we want, we keep chasing only to regret afterwards.

All of that left Lexa confused. She didn’t know what was she supposed to chase? And all of her wanderings around the world didn’t help her figure that out. She felt like a dog chasing his own tail. She returned from her mission without finding the holly grail. And now she was looking at Clarke afraid to admit anything for there were too many failed missions behind her. But Clarke somehow reminded her of herself in not very distant past. And she had the need to help her. She had the need to be her friend.

She returned to the papers and whether it was placebo effect or something else, it didn’t matter but Lexa felt more at peace, less stressed and could go through the case with more ease than before. Time didn’t run so slow. There was improvement, caused maybe by the change of ambient or some random conclusion. Whatever it was it was working.

After few hours Clarke approached Lexa’s table again with another juice.

Lexa looked at her, confused. ‘’But I didn’t order it,’’ she said while Clarke was lowering it.

‘’This one’s on me,’’ Clarke said and smiled. ‘’I need to practice serving.’’

Lexa grinned at that. And after half an hour she became irritated from sitting to long. She wanted to stay but her legs were numb, her neck was aching and she had to massage it for few seconds. Clarke wasn’t there, she was probably back store. Lexa asked for the bill, leaving overly big tip, lot bigger than she usually does. And upon walking out from the coffee house she felt partially unburdened and she knew it won’t be the last time she came there.

 

****

 

Time passed as it usually does. Slowly at first but when you turn back you are always surprised with the amount of mostly wasted time behind you. And for both Clarke and Lexa two months passed surprisingly quickly with no specific events happening, just usual daily routines but with them meeting more often. For Lexa, coming into the coffee house became a routine. It was necessary for her in order to continue with her work, and get used to people and being surrounded by them.

She would come on her working days for few hours. Sometimes she would see Clarke and a familiar friendly face would help her become more peaceful. And sometimes she wouldn’t see her due to the change of Clarke’s shifts and those days were less peaceful. Sometimes they would walk together after work, Clarke to the nearest station of course and Lexa all the way home. They would have their friendly conversations and learn little details about one another, not very significant things, favorite color perhaps or a movie. Lexa could talk and talk about Gone with the wind and Clarke couldn’t comprehend how someone could watch a four hour movie.

‘’It has intermissions for Christ sake.’’ Clarke would say.

‘’So that you could process the strength of the scene...’’ Lexa would joke.

Sometimes Lexa had the time to open up about her travels and would describe to Clarke a certain sights and how it felt seeing that.

‘’I’d be afraid to wonder around a desert during night.’’ Clarke said

‘’It’s not that bad. It’s cold, I’ll give you that. But so quiet and peaceful and the stars… So many stars Clarke…’’

Clarke listened to all of that in awe. It felt as if Lexa was posing to her and she wanted to transfer all of those stories to the canvas. It stirred something inside her, a will to act, to change, to create. A passion she lacked, excitement. It was addictive. And she was afraid to admit that maybe she was starting to see Lexa in a different way. That the strange heartbeat wasn’t because of the interesting event in a certain story, but because Lexa would look at her in the end. It was a look she couldn’t describe in any other way but through painting. It said thousand words and hid thousand more. She would look at Lexa’s green eyes and she just wanted to look further. There was something so open and light about Lexa as well as hidden parts, so observing her felt like assembling a jigsaw puzzle. And Clarke observed. She was trying to figure out what it means to be Lexa. What was Lexa thinking about in her brief breaks from reading, looking all distant minded and full of thoughts? Clarke was still denying any level of infatuation but at the same time she enjoyed it.

Lexa’s feelings were still buried deep down and it was higly unlikely they would surface any time soon. For her the feeling of comfortableness was the one that was dominating. She was extremely comfortable around Clarke. She liked talking to her, maybe even open up a little. She trusted her, as a friend. Clarke could impartial a little bit of her own energy on Lexa. And Clarke sometimes had the power to challenge her believes and it was exciting to exchange thoughts and different opinions.

‘’You artists… To you nothing is as it seems. Nothing is certain. There is always something else huh?’’

‘’Because our senses are deceivable...’’

‘’So this can is not red,’’ Lexa said while motioning at the one they were passing by.

‘’Well when it’s dark it’s not,’’ Clarke said and Lexa rolled her eyes at that but it wasn’t untrue.

They had different opinions about faith as well and those talks were also interesting to Lexa.

‘’But what happens if I don’t believe?’’ she would say.

‘’You have to believe in something.’’ Clarke would frown.

‘’Why?’’

‘’Because you need something…something bigger then you, that gives you meaning. That’s what art does for me. That’s what God does for some people.’’

‘’God…’’ Lexa sarcastically repeated. ‘’Can I never escape him..?’’ She said while looking at something very far, barely visible.

 And after they would separate Lexa would feel little more optimistic and the city looked brighter. And she would try to look at things from Clarke’s angle.

 

****

 

‘’I knew I shouldn’t have come,’’ Lexa said while her and Anya were waiting for Clarke and Raven in front of the club.

‘’What? You want me to believe that you go to a coffee house to actually read and not because of Clarke? Give me a break.’’ Anya said while wanting to laugh.

‘’It really helps me to not be in the office,’’ Lexa said, trying to justify something that sounded strange even to her.

‘’Yeah right, if someone wants to read they go to a library Lex, not somewhere where hot blonds are walking around them and buying them drinks. I’m familiar with the, it’s on the house syndrome,’’ Anya said while putting quotation marks around it.

‘’It was only once,’’ Lexa said in order to lessen Anya’s point.

‘’My point is still on.’’ Anya concluded.

Lexa wanted to reply but she stopped at the sight of Clarke, casually dressed, wearing her red flannel and jeans.

‘’You’ve made it,’’ Anya said before kissing Raven.

‘’Love is not in my dictionary,’’ Lexa whispered to Anya.

‘’Shut up,’’

Raven looked at both of them while frowning.

‘’It’s nothing, don’t worry, my cousin is an idiot,’’ Anya explained.

Lexa grinned and said hi to Clarke on what Clarke replied in the same manner.

‘’Shall we go inside?’’ Anya said.

It wasn’t overly crowded, at least not yet. And upon entering they realized it was karaoke night and they all acted surprised.

‘’Did you know it was karaoke?’’ Raven asked.

‘’No.’’ Anya said.

‘’Someone will be happy,’’ Raven looked at Clarke.

‘’You sing?’’ Anya asked.

‘’She nails it,’’ Raven said.

‘’She exaggerates.’’ Clarke shyly said.

‘’I would like to hear you sing,’’ Lexa said and it made Clarke look at her a bit longer. Surprised by what she had heard.

‘’She will sing, don’t worry, she won’t be able to resist.’’

They found their table and ordered drinks. Everyone had alcohol except Lexa.

‘’You don’t drink?’’ Raven said.

‘’No, I quit,’’ Lexa quickly replied but in a manner that made Clarke suspect that there was more to that answer. That it wasn’t just a random decision. But she didn’t say anything.

They were laughing and talking and as Raven predicted after maybe half an hour of struggling and trying to resist Clarke got up on the stage.

The moment she started to sing, everyone became quite and Lexa couldn’t stop looking at her. She didn’t expect her to be that good. And Anya saw that.

‘’It’s on the house,’’ she whispered.

‘’Shut up,’’ Lexa said, bothered that she was interrupted. She focused on Clarke again and in some moments their eyes would meet and it felt as if Clarke was singing only to her.

Clarke had already sung few songs and after each one she wanted to climb down the stage but the audience wanted more and wouldn’t let her.

‘’Ok, one more, but this is the last one,’’ Clarke said. ‘’It’s actually my favorite song and I don’t suppose many people know about it.’’

She turned towards the band and told them the name of the song but it turned out they didn’t know it either. So she borrowed guitar from one of the members and turned to the audience again.

‘’It turns out I will need some help with this song. Does anyone in the audience know? It’s Calm after the storm from Common linnets,’’ Clarke asked.

Lexa looked across the room waiting for someone to raise their hand or walk on the stage but everyone was silent and waiting just like she was.

‘’No one…?’’ Clarke said. ’’ I’ll try to do it alone then but it would’ve been better if someone knew it.’’

She put guitar belt over her head and was preparing to start when she saw someone approaching the stage. It was not until Lexa climbed on the stage that Clarke was able to recognize who it was. The realization left her speechless and confused. And she couldn’t stop staring at Lexa who was borrowing guitar as well and a hat from one of the members.

‘’What? He wears a hat…’’ Lexa said, referring to the singer who’s song they were about to play.

‘’Sure…’’ Clarke somehow managed to say feeling she had the most stupid smile and face expression.

Lexa started playing and Clarke quickly had to jump in. She wasn’t aware of the chords, they came to her automatically, as a reflex and she started to sing and kept looking at Lexa and the smirk on her face. She was surprised, confused, happy, all at once. How come Lexa knew how to play guitar. Lexa started to sing as well and Clarke was suddenly thrilled and amazed,excited, in love. No, not in love. Could she be in love? She was just enjoying in her favorite song. But the level of excitement she felt made her heart rate faster. Lexa was looking at her all the time. Cockily smiling for it was one of her favorite songs as well. They said verse after verse and Clarke couldn’t remember the last time she felt that way. She suddenly wanted for the song to last forever. She didn’t want it to end. The drummer was able to catch the beat and was now supporting them. They were facing one another while playing and would occasionally glance at the audience that was listening intently. Lexa’s look and eyes suddenly filled Clarke with confidence and she couldn’t see the line where lyrics stopped and the words she actually wanted to say began. They were looking at one another and it felt as if they were able to see one another for what they were and who they really were. The room might have been empty. They wouldn’t care. Music and the lyrics were enough. And then Lexa winked at Clarke before playing a solo part on a guitar that made audience clap while Clarke couldn’t contain her smile. She walked around Clarke in a circle until she returned to her microphone and they started last chorus together with cheers from the audience and with grin on their faces as if they were in front of a vast auditorium. But the truth was that they would have had the same grin even if they were alone. They finished the song and took a bow while smiling at each other.

They returned instruments and the band member insisted that Lexa keeps the hat after what they headed to the table where Anya and Raven were, followed with applause.

‘’Wow you two.’’ Raven said.

‘’I didn’t know you played,’’ Clarke finally said what she wanted to say the entire time.

‘’A little,’’ Lexa shyly replied.

‘’A little, the solo was awesome,’’ Raven said and Anya proudly nodded.

‘’Thanks but it’s nothing compared to Clarke’s singing,’’ Lexa said. ‘’I didn’t know you sing that well.’’

‘’You two should have a band,’’ Raven said.

‘’Yes, you should call your bend Clexa,’’ Anya said before bursting into laugh. ‘’And two of us will be your managers that will leave you penniless in the end.’’

‘’Bahamas babe,’’ Raven said while she and Anya clinked glasses.

‘’I like Clarke and Lexa more,’’ Lexa said.

‘’Me too,’’ Clarke agreed.

The rest of the time in the club they spent chatting and laughed occasionally at people on the stage who were exposing them to all kinds of vocal failures. Some were funny on purpose and Clarke would look at them and occasionally at Lexa. Glancing secretly and sometimes catching her look, both in awe about the newly discovered abilities about one another.

Time ran fast and they found themselves at the exit after mutual decision to leave and Anya was looking for a cab.

‘’Two of us will leave first and you can drop Clarke afterwards,’’ Raven said.

‘’The weather is nice,’’ Clarke said. ‘’Maybe someone is up for a walk.’’

‘’You don’t have the stamina,’’ Lexa teased.

‘’Wanna bet?’’

‘’I’m confused, how many bets that are on we currently have,’’ Lexa said, visibly relaxed and in a joking mood.

Clarke slapped her arm.

‘’I found one,’’ Anya yelled.

‘’Seems these two will walk,’’ Raven said.

‘’Great, they are boring anyway,’’ Anya said while entering the cab.

‘’Bye guys,’’ Raven said.

Both Clarke and Lexa said bye at the same time. And before taxi left Anya opened window next to her and yelled: ‘’Lex!’’ while putting quotation marks around imaginary word. ‘’You know!’’

‘’I hope you crash!’’ Lexa replied and they both smiled.

‘’What was that?’’ Clarke asked.

‘’Just some intern jokes,’’ Lexa answered. ‘’So… all the way home…?’’

‘’All the way home...’’Clarke said, determined.

They started walking already accustomed to the situation both enjoying these moments.

‘’So…’’ Lexa started. ‘’Someone will graduate soon.’’

‘’And is not overly enthusiastic about it,’’ Clarke added.

‘’But you gotta be at least a little bit happy.’’

‘’Well yes but what excites me more is that the painting is almost done.’’

‘’I just realized I haven’t seen any of your paintings.’’

‘’I’ll finish it in few days, you can come then and you’ll see them all.’’

‘’Deal.’’

‘’I have to say if you haven’t encouraged me I don’t know if I’d do it.’’

‘’Of course you would. I just gave you a little push. And I’m so happy for you, really.’’.

‘’Thanks for sharing your wisdom and knowledge,’’ Clarke teased.

‘’Always’’

‘’But there is one thing that got stuck with me,’’ Clarke said.

‘’What is it.’’

‘’How do you talk with the sea…?’’

‘’You want me to teach you?’’ Lexa offered.

‘’Yes…’’

‘’Ok, we’ll have to find a beach.’’

‘’Ok.’’

‘’I’ll call a cab, we cannot walk all the way to the beach, you are still level 1,’’

‘’What?! Now? You wanna go to the beach now?’’

‘’Sure…’’ Lexa calmly said.

‘’Are you always like this?’’

‘’Like what?’’

‘’Impulsive...’’

‘’I used to be worse than this…’’ Lexa said, feeling excited all of the sudden. ‘’C’mon, you wanna learn or not?’’

Clarke couldn’t refuse her and her magazine cover smile. Lexa suddenly looked like a child. Like a cheerful dog jumping around Clarke eager to play.

‘’Ok,’’ she yielded.

They found a cab and decided to go to the Long beach. It was very late but the ride there wasn’t that long as they expected it to be. But Clarke wouldn’t mind even if it would’ve been for she was enjoying every moment she spent with Lexa. They were mostly silent and Lexa was looking through the window. Occasionally they would look at each other and smile at the silliness of their action. It was necessary for Lexa to do something impulsive like this. It was necessary to feel rush, any rush, impulsive just like walking on that stage was or going to the beach now, anything to make her feel alive again. But the fact that Clarke was beside her was contributing to that as well. And she knew, somewhere deep that she wouldn’t have felt like this if someone else was beside her.

They found themselves on the beach after 45 minutes of driving. Temperature was slightly lower than it was in the city causing Clarke to wrap her arms around herself.

‘’Ok, go.’’ Lexa said and motioned towards water.

‘’Where…?’’

‘’Go talk.’’

‘’What?!’’ Clarke said, disappointed. ‘’ You are the worst teacher ever.’’

Lexa laughed. ‘’You know how to talk right?’’

Clarke gave her a significant look.

‘’Then go talk.’’ Lexa kept giving her reashuring look. ‘’Trust me.’’

Clarke hesitantly started walking toward the sea and stopped when she got close enough. She turned and yelled: ‘’Now what?!’’

Lexa sat on the ground, showing Clarke she should do the same and Clarke followed.

‘’Now turn around!’’ Lexa yelled. ‘’And talk out loud!’’

She was far enough, Lexa couldn’t hear her but still it felt crazy to talk out loud. What was she supposed to say?

‘’Am I supposed to introduce myself!’’

‘’Just cut to the chase, I’m hungry!’’ Lexa said while now lying and looking at the stars.

Clarke smiled and rolled her eyes at the same time. She remembered Anya calling Lexa an idiot in front of the club and she wanted to do the same but what came out instead was: ‘’I love this idiot.’’ It surprised her at first. It was quite and simple, easy to say. It was one of those moments when you know something is boiling inside you and one day you figure it out. And you wonder why it took you so long to figure it out. It wasn’t like eureka moment it was just the truth, a fact, a simple state that felt incredible soothing. And as frightening as it was Clarke couldn’t help but feel relieved at the same time. Maybe the sea could really talk.


	4. Breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music:  
> London grammar-Nightcall

Clarke sat in front of not anymore empty canvas. She was content, slightly proud, all in all filled with satisfactory feelings. But what she was really thinking about was her newly found discovery from last week. Something that she knew for a while, but it took it’s time to grow. And now it became the only thing that mattered. What was Lexa doing right now? Does Lexa feel the same? No she doesn’t. But she might. Should Clarke tell her? No. Yes. How? When, today, tomorrow? No better next week, or never, probably never. Yeah never is safer. But what if Lexa feels the same? What happens then? Clarke’s heart rate speeded up at the thought of it. She had to tell her. Otherwise she won’t be able to do anything or to think about anything else. Of that she was sure of.

But how should she tell her? Should she text her? No, that’s the worst. Should she call her? No that’s still cowardice. And besides she wanted to see her. She wanted to see Lexa’s reaction. She wanted to see what happens afterwards. Will Lexa come to the coffee house today? But she can’t tell her there. Could she? No, you can’t say something like that just out of the blue. ‘’Hey, here’s your juice and I’m kinda falling for you.’’ Ok, she didn’t have to decide now. She will decide later how she will say it. The point was that decision to tell her was definite. And hopefully when she sees Lexa she will know what to do.

And speaking of Lexa, she was awake but her eyes were still closed. She was consciously delaying her call of duty, wondering somewhere in the dream land, seriously tempted by the thought of not getting up at all. The sound of her phone made her think otherwise. And with one open eye she roamed over the night stand with her hand, trying to find it, smiling at the name of the sender after locating it.

**_Clarke:_ **

_Painting is done, any chances you’ll come to the coffee house today?_

For no particular reason, Lexa kept her smile after reading the message.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 **Lexa:**

_I have to be at the office today._

Clarke lowered her phone. She didn’t know how she felt after reading it. Part of her was relieved, for she wouldn’t have to tell Lexa. And yet the anticipation was killing her and she had to get it out. The phone glittered again, causing Clarke’s heart to skip a bit. It was a habit that she started to find annoying.

**Lexa:**

_But I can wait for you after work and you can show it to me then…_

Clarke’s grin was back.

**_Clake:_ **

_Great then, see you._

**_Lexa:_ **

;)

Did Clarke really feel great? Her head was screaming. What was she doing? She wasn’t ready for the stage two. How the hell was she supposed to tell Lexa. Her mood varied from extreme to extreme. From one feeling to another depending on the scenario she would imagine. If Lexa feels the same, than Clarke couldn’t be happier… If not… well…delete that scenario.

Before work she tried at least 5 combinations of what to wear that day, frowning at every single one of them. She overworked her entire shift, wiping already clean and dry glasses, rearranging items in the back store. Asking already served customers if they wanted anything. Asking her colleagues how they were, even the ones she disliked. She didn’t go on her break. She wasn’t hungry but more so because she was afraid to be alone with her thoughts. She felt as if someone was playing flipper inside of her and whenever the ball would hit the corner Clarke would head in that direction. And when she wanted time to run slowly it ran more quickly and before she knew it the end of the shift was there. And she saw Lexa in her leather jacket standing in front of the coffee house. Clarke was terrified and thought she might have lost her ability to speak. Part of her wanted that. But she managed to motion Lexa to wait for 5 minutes so she could go and change out of her uniform, on what Lexa politely nodded from the outside.

‘’Hey,’’ Clarke said upon exiting, sounding excited.

‘’Hi,’’ Lexa replied, with a smile that Clarke realized she adored. ‘’I haven’t seen you in few days.’’

From the tone Clarke couldn’t figure out if Lexa meant she’d missed her or it was just a mere constatation.

‘’Yes….’’ Clarke said while remembering the beach and it made her swallow some words.

‘’Are you ok?’’ Lexa asked

‘’Yes, why?’’ Clarke replied quickly, suddenly frightened that Lexa is detecting something.

‘’I don’t know…You seem a bit…uncomfortable somehow. You don’t find me annoying again, don’t you?’’ Lexa teased.

‘’Oh, no, no…’’ Clarke said, thinking it’s quite the opposite.

‘’Good to hear...’’

‘’No, it’s just I’m always nervous when I have to show my work to someone.’’

‘’I’m sure it’s great.’’

‘’Let’s hope so.’’

‘’Ok, you lead,’’ Lexa let her go first.

‘’For a start we are using train to get there,’’ Clarke said. Not because she didn’t want to walk but because she wanted to get it out as soon as possible.

‘’Sure…Level 1,’’ Lexa had to tease.

‘’Hey I don’t live close…’’

‘’Excuses, excuses…’’ Lexa concluded, as they headed to the nearest metro station, smiling.

They didn’t talk much on their way to Clarke’s apartment. For Lexa could sense Cllarke wasn’t in the mood for it. And she chose to believe it was because of her art work. But she wanted Clarke to know that her reaction would never be negative, even if the painting wasn’t good. Which she, of course wasn’t expecting. She wanted to make Clarke relax. And she tried to do it by finding funny things surrounding them, like random man who fell asleep in the train with his mouth wide open or a little girl who was drawing on some woman’s purse without the woman noticing.

It did make Clarke laugh and it made her relax to a certain extent. But everything Lexa did or said only made Clarke’s infatuation bigger and she didn’t know if she wanted Lexa to stop or continue with this relaxing program.

They’ve reached Clarke’s building and she suddenly became aware of the neighborhood and the old architecture and not very clean ambient. All of the things that didn’t really have anything to do with her but managed to make her feel embarrassed. She remembered her mother and part of her wished they were on their way to her old apartment. She knew Lexa wasn’t superficial type. But she only wanted everything around her to be perfect, because inside she didn’t feel perfect enough for Lexa, therefore she needed boost from every corner.

They’ve reached the floor using stairs and Clarke had trouble finding the key. Her purse felt like a bottomless pit filled with unnecessary items that she now wished she never bought.

‘’Finally,’’ she said upon finding the key and hesitantly unlocking the door.

‘’It’s ok…’’

‘’Sorry for the mess,’’ she said while closing the door after Lexa had entered. ‘’That’s how it’s like living with Raven.’’

‘’It’s not messy…’’

‘’No…?’’

‘’’No…’’  Lexa struggled to find a diplomatic answer. ‘’It’s creative…’’

Clarke smiled and went to the bathroom, partially to wash her hands, partially to see what she looked like and partially to escape from Lexa’s smile that multiplied her affection by ten.

‘’Would you like to drink something?’’, Clarke asked from the bathroom, frowning at her reflection. How could Lexa ever be interested in her?

‘’No, thanks,’’ Lexa said while walking slowly around the living room, observing and stopping by the photo of a little girl with blond curls held by a man. She lifted the photo, smiling at it.

‘’You’re sure you don’t want anything?’’ Clarke said, while coming back to the living room.

‘’Yes…’’ Lexa confirmed. ‘’This is you right?

‘’Yes, me and my dad…’’ Clarke nostalgically said. ‘’We were really close.’’

‘’What happened…?’’

‘’He died…’’ Clarke said while sighing frustratingly. ‘’Leaving me with my mother and her ambitions…’’

‘’I’m sorry to hear that. If it’s for any consolation I know how it feels like’’

‘’Your mother is an idiot as well?’’ Clarke surprisingly asked.

‘’No, both of my parents died,’’ Lexa said while looking at the photo and while Clarke stood frozen beside her. ‘’Plane crash…when I was seven,’’ Lexa added.

Clarke’s heart ached at the thought of Lexa as a little girl experiencing all that. ‘’I’m sorry.’’

‘’It’s ok, it was a long time ago.’’

Clarke wanted to believe it was ok, but somehow couldn’t.

‘’You were so cute,’’ Lexa said, visibly interested in changing the subject and with her smile back.

‘’What? I’m not cute anymore?’’ Clarke asked, surprised by the question itself and where she found this amount of courage.

‘’No,’’ Lexa said while returning the photo. ‘’Now you’re beautiful,’’ she said before looking at Clarke and added: ‘’What,’’ when she noticed Clarke was staring at her.

Clarke didn’t know what to answer. Should she thank her or tell her how gorges she thought Lexa was or what? Her mind went blank. Lexa found her beautiful. That sentence didn’t happen.

‘’How do you say things like this?’’

‘’What do you mean.’’

‘’Whit such ease. You are either overly confident or they don’t mean anything to you…’’

‘’I just say the truth and it doesn’t have to mean anything,’’ Lexa explained in the way that only left Clarke confused.

‘’So, speaking of honest confessions…’’ Lexa started and Clarke could swear her heart was hammering so loud that it must’ve been heardable. ‘’The painting…’’ Lexa finished, making Clarke blink several times as if being awaken from a hypnotized state, at least that’s how it felt.

‘’Yes, the painting,’’ Clarke repeated. ‘’Follow me.’’

They headed to her room. And Clarke stopped before opening the door. ‘’But you have to promise me that you won’t freak out or anything.’’

‘’Why would I freak out? Is it that bad?’’

Clarke only looked at her with pursed lips.

‘’I’m joking, I’m joking. Don’t worry. I’m sure I’ll love it.’’

‘’Ok,’’ Clarke said before opening the door.

When she opened them it revealed a talented artist, colorful worlds and framed imaginary landscapes leaned on every corner of the room. Undoubtedly beautiful paintings, realistically painted but too beautiful to be real. Lexa looked in awe, crouching in front of one of them, trailing her fingers over it.

‘’This… This is beautiful, Clarke.’’

‘’Really…?’’

‘’Clarke…’’ Lexa started but didn’t know how to finish, for there were no adequate words.

‘’Ok, the one I wanted to show you is beneath the cloth.’’

Lexa stood up and got near, still amazed by the previous one she saw. But when Clarke revealed the painting, something in Lexa snapped. It was a beautiful painting, yes, great technique, great proportions, color balance, variety of them. But Lexa was mostly confused, as anyone would be if they saw themselves on it. She had her backpack and was looking at the viewer instead of the landscape of a mountain that was laid out in front of her.

‘’Listen…’’ Clarke started. ‘’I hope you don’t mind... I…I was inspired with your travels and the way you were describing it to me.’’

‘’Yes but…’’ Lexa coldly said, frowning at it. ‘’Why am I on the photo?’’

‘’Because I admire your adventurous spirit. Your courage to explore the unknown. You are different than anyone I know. Anyone I’ve ever met,’’ Clarke said, getting filled with confidence and being extremely nervous at the same time.

Lexa looked at her, confused.

‘’I guess what I’m trying to say is that you motivated me…You… The way you do things, or say them it’s… I can’t… I wish I was like you,’’ Clarke sighed and looked aside, annoyed with her poor speaking ability which was just another thing Lexa was amazing at and she wasn’t.

‘’Lexa, I…’’ Clarke started before lifting her hand until it wasn’t’ resting on Lexa’s neck. She was better at show than tell so she leaned toward Lexa and let the kiss say everything she was unable. To express all emotions that kept boiling inside of her. She finally let them out. She brushed her lips against Lexa’s who stood numb but responded to a kiss in a soft manner. Her senses were dull. It’s been too long since she sensed something similar, since she let someone get that close. Part of her forgot how that kind of affection felt. It was overwhelming. And it was disabling her from responding adequately. She forgot how it felt and was afraid to remember. She forgot how it was to feel, to care. And now Clarke stood in front of her, kissing her, requesting all of that from her, so unexpectedly, so sudden. It was too soon, too much of a pressure for Lexa to handle. So she pulled away

‘’I’m sorry,’’ she started. ‘’I’m not ready…I… I have to go.’’

‘’Lexa wait…’’ Clarke said, feeling she went over the limit.

‘’Clarke please, don’t follow.’’

‘’Lexa…’’

‘’I’m sorry Clarke…’’ she said after looking back apologetically and rushing down the stairs, leaving Clarke mute and broken.

 

****

 

‘’Clarke come on out,’’ Raven kept saying, while standing in front of Clarke’s room. ‘’Clarke c’mon it’s been three days…

There was no answer.

‘’Clarke, shower at least…’’

‘’Leave me alone.’’

‘’Clarke,’’ Raven said upon entering the room. ‘’This is insane.’’

Clarke remained silent and was lying on her bed, wrapped around in her blanket And crouched so that her knees were tickling her chin.

‘’I brought you something to eat.’’

‘’I’m not hungry.’’

‘’Clarke…’’ Raven started all sympathetically but didn’t know how to finish. What do you say to someone after they’d been rejected? ‘’Look… she did kiss you back,’’she said, trying to find anything positive while also finding a place to sit next to Clarke.

‘’And then she pulled away…’’ Clarke quickly replied.

‘’But she kissed you…’’ Raven kept insisting.

‘’You don’t have to do this.’’ Clarke sighed.

‘’I’m not doing anything.’’

‘’I did the same thing for you after you broke up with Bellamy.’’

‘’We were hardly a thing.’’ Raven said, frowning at the remembrance of it.

‘’That’s not what you were saying then.’’

‘’Well there you go then, you will also get over this.’’

‘’I won’t…’’ Clarke said, looking like an angry child.

‘’Wow, you really had a crush on her. I haven’t realized. You weren’t saying anything.’’

‘’I didn’t know.’’

‘’And yet you were painting about her,’’ Raven said while looking at the picture. ‘’I was wondering why you were covering it. You never did that before,’’ she made a brief pause and continued. ‘’ If nothing else, at least you made an amazing creative thing. You will graduate soon. You did it Clarke.’’ Raven concluded, trying to keep her enthusiasm alive.

But none of those, so called successes mattered to Clarke. Not anymore. They were pale wishes compared to wishes that included Lexa. And she was wondering what does it mean to wish, if our wishes get replaced so often and so easily? Two months ago she was determined to get exactly what Raven said. And now upon getting those things she found herself feeling even worse.

‘’Who invented love?’’ Clarke asked angrily and rhetorically at what Raven smiled.

‘’Clarke don’t’ do this to yourself, if she doesn’t like you than it’s her loss,’ Raven said with her hand empathically on Clarke’s covered calf.

But Clarke didn’t feel that way. And she wasn’t angry over the fact that Lexa didn’t like her back. No one is obliged to like someone just because the other side likes them. But if Lexa didn’t leave the way she left, maybe it would have been easier for Clarke to digest all of this. She left without an explanation, without confirmation of her rejection. And now there was pain, actual physical pain everywhere.

Seeing the situation, Raven decided to leave Clarke for a while and check upon her occasionally.

**_Raven:_ **

_Your cousin is an idiot._

                                                                                                                                    **_Anya:_**

 _I know babe. :)_ _What happened?_

**_Raven:_ **

_Are you busy? Can I call you?_

_**Anya:**_

_In 15 min, ok?_

**_Raven:_ **

_Ok._

_**Anya:**_

_You are free to text me until then. Non cousin material, preferably ;)_

**_Raven:_ **

_I see that being an idiot runs in your family._

_**Anya:**_

_I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was thinking about weather, sports, fashion._

_But if you had something else in mind that’s not my fault…_

**_Raven:_ **

_I'll save my thoughts for tonight ;) Now we have an emergency..._

****

Lexa was sitting in her office, looking thoughtfully through the window, playing with her ring and spinning it frequently. Clarke. There were million thoughts in her head. And all of them included Clarke. It took only one kiss to unleash everything Lexa was trying to repress and wasn’t even aware of. She was getting better, she was healing. And the kiss felt like a reset button. Clarke pressed the button and Lexa wanted to explode.  She was afraid that what have happened will happen. But that was not the point. The painting was what scared her. The only thing that Lexa disliked about it was her. She was ruining it, she didn’t belong there.The way Clarke saw her. Clarke fell in love with a lie. Clarke didn’t deserve to be deceived, no matter how much Lexa liked her. Lexa wasn’t brave or adventurous or a free spirit. Definitely not free, and her grip on the ring became stronger. Clarke deserved better, someone better.

Lexa’s over thinking was interrupted by Anya walking into her office. She sat across Lexa and they both observed each other quietly, both knowing what the other one thinks.

‘’What…?’’ Lexa asked, pretending she didn't know.

‘’Nothing,’’ Anya calmly replied.

‘’Good,’’ Lexa said and they continued their observations.

‘’I wonder if you are the biggest idiot I know,’’ Anya said after feeling enough time has passed.

‘’There we go,’’ Lexa rolled her eyes.

‘’You are definitely in my top three,’’

‘’With you being the first,’’ Lexa sarcastically said.

‘’Stop it, I’m serious now. What the hell is a matter with you?’’

Lexa kept looking at the window, not knowing what to answer for she was asking herself the same thing.

‘’No, you definitely are the biggest idiot,’’ Anya concluded.

Lexa remained silent, feeling guilty all of a sudden.

‘’You have something against hot girls offering themselves to you.’’

‘’Clarke’s more than a hot girl,’’ Lexa quietly answered.

‘’That was supposed to be my argument but ok…I don’t get it, it’s like you don’t want to be happy.’’

Lexa swallowed at that.

‘’I mean do you hear yourself? You say she’s more than a hot girl and when she kisses you, you say no. What are you, a monk? Anyone who has spent 5 minutes with the two of you could tell you what I’m telling you now. I saw the way you were looking at each other the night you were singing. But you’re the only one who’s not seeing it. Or you are pretending that you don’t see for some, still unknown reason to me.’’ Anya said visibly frustrated which was unusual state for her and unusual for Lexa to see. ‘’You know what, I give up. It’s your life,’’ she concluded before standing up and heading to the door.

‘’This is it right,’’ Lexa said before Anya left, causing her to stop by the door. ‘’This is the moment I’m gonna regret for the rest of my life,’’ she said while finally having enough courage to look at Anya.

‘’If you at least don’t try to fix it…then… yes,’’ Anya said before she left. But came back just to add: ‘’Rusty,’’ with a smirk on her face, causing Lexa to smile at the nickname, unlike the first time she’d heard it.

She spent an hour more in her office, with energy drying thoughts before deciding to go. She passed by her aunt’s office where Anya and Lincoln also were.

‘’Lexa,’’ Indra called her but Lexa remained silent, and stayed determined while walking toward the exit.

‘’Lexa,’’ Indra repeated.

‘’Let her go,’’ Anya said. ‘’Papers will be here tomorrow.’’

‘’I worry about her,’’ Indra said.

‘’Trust me, let her go,’’ Anya kept reassuring her.

‘’Always headache with the two of you…’’ Indra concluded and sighed.

Lexa found herself on the street, which felt as if it was spinning around her. She started to walk without thoughts of a final stop. She walked until dark. She walked until there were no people around her. She walked until hours had passed and she had no strength anymore but kept pushing anyway. She walked until her vision didn’t become blurry. She walked until she found herself on the beach and fell down on her knees, exhausted.

Her breath was heavy. Not because of the walk. It was something else, something heavier. Something she’d been carrying inside of her like a priest carries his faith, only, she longed to be rid of it. The guilt was overwhelming. She had hurt Clarke. She had hurt the girl she liked, the girl that she didn’t deserve. The only person that made her feel normal since she came back. That made her feel something again. The girl that, if Lexa would let her, threatened to become the most important thing in her life and she managed to hurt her. She was angry, angry that she has ruined her chance for a normal life, for possible love, for loving a shadow instead of something alive and beautiful. And in the state of affect she took the ring off, frowning at it but softening up quickly afterwards.

She was so accustomed to loss that anything else didn’t feel real or possible. And everything she loved had tendency to disappear. So by rejecting Clarke she thought she was protecting her. She knew she wouldn’t be able to handle another loss or to be cause of it. And she felt that people being attached to her can be a cause enough. But even if it was the truth and she was the reason, she couldn’t keep living the way she lived. She kissed the ring before tossing it to the sea and closed her eyes when it hit the water, inhaling her freedom.


	5. All things lost

Lexa wasn’t the type to walk around the house, when impatient or thinking about something. Yet she found herself in a different corner of her apartment every ten minutes. And it’s been like that for few days. She could swear she had grey hair from all the thinking. She had to talk to Clarke. She knew she had to. She had to apologize if nothing else. And she wouldn’t be surprised if Clarke never wanted to see her again but still. She missed the coffee house. She missed the feeling of peacefulness. Only, now she knew it was because of Clarke and not because of the place. With Clarke there all worries didn’t seem that bad. They were more bearable, somehow. She had to see her, no matter how awkward it will be. She had to.

Clarke on the other hand finally came to work after few days. But without Lexa there, the place and the work itself became exhausting again. She moved slowly. She didn’t care about the customers. She would forget what the orders were. Boring. So boring. And annoying. Everything was irritating her and especially her new colleague.

‘’Why so serious princess?’’ he said while bringing dirty glasses to the bar.

Clarke rolled her eyes.

‘’You don’t like being called princess, do you princess?’’ He teasingly said, leaning on the counter, while Clarke kept wiping and ignoring him.

‘’People rolling eyes at you doesn’t tell you anything?’’

‘’One date, what’s it gonna hurt. I’m a pretty nice guy. You can ask around.’’

Clarke looked at him. There was nothing wrong with him. And she didn’t want to admit but she even found him cute. And she would probably say yes if a certain someone wasn’t occupying her thoughts for the past two months. But that someone wasn’t interested in her so the thought of accepting a date maybe wasn’t that bad. She wanted to get over Lexa. But how could she? Lexa would never act like the guy in front of her. Lexa wouldn’t even have to ask for a date. All she had to do was look at her with a quirky smile and Clarke would wholeheartedly say yes.

‘’Listen,’’ Clarke started. ‘’I know you are a nice guy and if the circumstances were different I would probably say yes. But at the moment, I’m not interested, ok…’’

‘’Ok,’’ he agreed through sigh. ‘’I’ll wait for the moment to pass...’’

Clarke smiled, actually for the first time in few days. ‘’I’m afraid you’ll be waiting for quite some time…’

‘’Don’t worry, I’m patient…’’ he said. ‘’Can I at least keep calling you princess?’’

 ‘’If I say no you won’t stop anyway, right?’’

His smile was a confirmation enough. But despite the fact he managed to cheer her up it wasn’t close, not nearly close enough to make her feel the required level of enthusiasm for work. And she was eagerly waiting for the end of the shift. Wondering for how long she’ll be able to do this job.

‘’See you princess,’’ Finn said when seeing Clarke leave.

She sighed. ‘’See you,’’ and headed towards the exit, for she finally lived through to see the end of her shift.

She found herself in front of the coffee house and started to think where will she find the strength to go home when every step was exhausting? She didn’t even notice people around her.

‘’Clarke,’’ she heard Lexa’s voice and smiled at the ridiculousness of it. Great, now she was imagining Lexa calling her. But another Clarke came again, closer and louder so this time she turned around just to check if she really was insane as she thought.

‘’Lexa,’’ fell out of Clarke’s mouth as a reflex and Clarke looked semi frightened.

‘’Hello Clarke,’’ Lexa said, with a heavy breathing, looking frightened as well. But with a warm look that Clarke had never seen before.

‘’What…’’ Clarke started. ‘’What are you doing here?’’

‘’Waiting for you…’’

Clarke wanted to ask why, but instead kept asking with her look that she couldn’t remove off of Lexa.

‘’I know I’m not your favorite person at the moment but I feel like I owe you an explanation.’’

Clarke sighed. ‘’Look Lexa, you don’t owe me anything, I’ve embarrassed myself enough,’’ she said before turning and continuing her walk home.

‘’Wait, Clarke, you haven’t,’’ Lexa started and suddenly appeared in front of Clarke, blocking her way. ‘’Just… just hear me out please,’’ her eyes were begging. ‘’After that I promise you’ll never have to see me again.’’

Clarke was frowning suspiciously. She had noticed something was different about Lexa but she didn’t know what it was.

‘’Please Clarke, this means great deal to me…’’

Clarke didn’t know what to say. She was curious, though. She wanted to know the reason behind Lexa’s nervousness. She looked, not vulnerable, but more open somehow.

‘’Ok, what is it?’’

‘’Here?’’ Lexa asked surprised. ‘’In the middle of the street.’’

Clarke shrugged with her shoulders as if she didn’t care.

‘’I can’t talk in the middle of the street Clarke… Let’s go get a cu…’’

‘’Don’t say a cup of coffee,’’ Clarke quickly interrupted. ‘’If I see one more cup of coffee I’ll flip I swear…’’

‘’Ok,’’ Lexa said, slightly relieved that Clarke didn’t interrupt her because she didn’t want to talk at all. She started looking around her as if searching for something. ‘’Ok, give me a minute,’’ she said before getting closer to the road, looking for a cab which she quickly found.

‘’Ok, get in,’’ Lexa said when taxi stopped in front of her.

‘’Where are we going…?’’ Clarke frowned.

‘’You’ll see,’’ Lexa answered while holding the door open for Clarke.

‘’You’re not kidnapping me, are you?’’ Clarke sarcastically asked, while walking towards the cab.

Lexa smiled at that and followed Clarke inside. ‘’Long beach please,’’ she said to the driver and leaned into the seat when she noticed Clarke's staring. 

‘’What,’’ she asked.

‘’Long beach?’’

‘’I offered coffee first,’’ Lexa cockily explained.

Clarke shook her head and turned it towards the window. And that’s what she’ll mostly do on their way there. She will look through the window because if looking at Lexa she would feel too obvious. Her feelings would be too obvious. And her pain would be too obvious. So she will look at the buildings and people walking, while Lexa would occasionally look at her, happy that Clarke agreed to come. And at the same time saddened, knowing that she failed in her eyes. Who runs away like that? Only cowards like her. And she will remember the painting and all those virtues Clarke thought Lexa had, when in fact she had none of them. And that thought would make her also look away.

The ride there felt longer than the first time and more nerve wrecking for both of them. They found themselves on the same beach, only, with more intense feelings now. Lexa sat on the ground and Clarke remained standing.

‘’It’s gonna be awkward if I keep sitting and you remain like that…’’ Lexa said.

Clarke thought it couldn’t be more awkward than it already was so she sat as well. She remained silent, watching Lexa grabbing sand and letting it fall out of her hand.

‘’Do you love sand?’’ Lexa asked and Clarke looked confused and slightly bored.

‘’I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it.’’

‘’I love sand…’’

‘’Is that why we came here,’’ Clarke asked, frustrated.

‘’No,’’ Lexa calmly answered, looking at the sea and remaining silent. That only annoyed Clarke more for part of her was hoping that they’ve come to the beach for more than just Lexa’s love for sand. She was tired of getting clobbered.

‘’I heard a story not so long ago,’’ Lexa finally started. ‘’And it got stuck with me ever since. A young man was called to his father’s death bed. His father was a very poor man and had nothing to give him, except for the little box. He told his son that he can open it only twice in his life. First time, when he feels his life couldn’t be any worse. And second time, when he feels it’s the best time of his life. Son didn’t give much thought to it, his father was dying. The old man was probably delusional, but he accepted the gift, regardless. Years have passed and a time of great famine came. The son had to watch his children almost starve to death. And when he couldn’t watch anymore, he remembered the gift his father had given him and it looked like a last beacon of hope, a salvation. He found the box, searching for something valuable inside, something that could save his family. But when he opened it, he only found a note that said, _This will pass_. Disappointed, he tossed it away, angry that he had opened it in the first place.

Time ran and the years have passed again and son’s fortune had changed. He became very rich. His family had grown. He had a lot of grandchildren. And one day, while watching them as they played. He remembered his father, and the little box, and the note that said, _This will pass_.

Clarke had listened to the story intently but somehow didn’t understand the point of it and why Lexa was telling it.

‘’Her name was Costia, ’’Lexa continued. ‘’We met in collage and… fell in love. One night we went out, I got drunk and was dared on a car race. She begged me not to do it. But I didn’t listen. My ego was too hungry for another story that people will be retiling tomorrow about Lexa Woods. Vanity and pride made me fall in love with illusions. They made me blind and she could see that. She told me she’s not gonna watch it. And I told her she is free to go. So she did, half angry, half worried. I won the race, only to receive the news later that night that she was hit by a car on her way home. And I didn’t think I would survive the pain but more so the guilt. I became frozen in it.’’

With every new detail Clarke’s heart was hammering more and she felt immovable. The moment didn’t feel real, and the story didn’t feel real. Not the story, but Lexa telling it. Opening up like that to her. It was so unexpected.

‘’That’s why you left?’’ Clarke managed to say, surprised that she had a voice.

‘’I had to leave. She was everywhere I looked. I was wandering around the world, consumed by guilt, thinking, just like the son when will it pass.’’

Clarke still felt immovable.

‘’But it wasn’t your fault,’’ she managed to say. ‘’You could’ve had a wonderful night and kissed goodbye and it still could’ve happened.’’

‘’But it didn’t happen that way.’’

Clarke opened her mouth but stopped half way through, changing her mind.

‘’I…I don’t know what to say.’’

‘’There is nothing to say. The reason why I told you this is because I wanted you to know that I’m not that person from the painting. So that you would realize that whatever it is that you liked about me was a lie. My adventurous spirit was fueled by my guilt and my bravery by my cowardice. I chose to walk through the jungle because I was too afraid to walk the streets I walked together with her.’’

‘’But you came back,’’ Clarke said, full of compassion. ‘’You needed courage for that decision. And you are walking through those streets again.

Lexa remained silent.

‘’And it took courage to tell me all this. I know how hard that is for you, you didn’t have to. Lexa you were mourning. And it’s normal to feel that way,’’ she continued with her comforting. ‘’ When my father died I was angry at the whole world, especially at my mother. She saves strangers every day and she couldn’t save the person I loved the most.’’

‘’Is that why you don’t like her,’’ Lexa asked, forgetting about her worries for a second.

‘’My mother is not the point. The point is that it wasn’t your fault. Lexa look at me,’’ Clarke said while taking her hand. ‘’It will pass,’’ she said reassuringly. ‘’You have done nothing wrong and it wasn’t your fault.’’

Lexa lifted her look. And for a moment she did believe her. For a moment everything felt as it should be and Clarke’s words could reach her. She believed her until they both became aware that they were holding hands. And Clarke was afraid she would scare Lexa with the closeness again, so she pulled away, still feeling the touch burning her skin.

They sat quiet for some time. Both confused, with swirling emotions. Not knowing what the other one thinks or where does this leaves them.

‘’Is that why you don’t drink?’’ Clarke asked, trying to put all the pieces together.

Lexa only nodded. ‘’It reminds me of the last time I was drunk and what happened.’’

‘’Have you ever told this to anyone?’’

‘’No but…everyone knows…’’

‘’Thank you for telling me,’’ Clarke said, looking all emphatic. Whishing she could assure Lexa it will be alright. And she wanted it to be alright. She wanted to be the one to help her feel alright again.

‘’Now you know why I ran. Seeing myself, seeing the way you saw me freaked me out. Because I knew you would be disappointed when seeing the real me.’’

‘’This is not the real you. This is the broken side of you. And it will take time for it to heal, but it will.’’

‘’You don’t give up, do you?’’ Lexa said with a smile.

‘’I am a believer,’’ Clarke said and smiled back.

‘’You know that I’m not,’’ Lexa teased.

‘’Well that’s something we’ll have to fix.’’

‘’Good luck...’’

‘’Don’t worry. I’m stubborn as much as you are.’’

They both smiled at that.

‘’Even if you don’t like me back I still want you as a friend,’’ Clarke admitted.

‘’I never said I didn’t like you,’’ Lexa quickly answered, causing Clarke’s heart rate to speed up. ’’ I just don’t want to see you hurt. I couldn’t bear hurting someone else again.’’

‘’I understand…'' Clarke said. '' I’m not asking anything from you,’’ she reassured Lexa.

‘’Thank you…’’ Lexa said, feeling those words were not enough to express how grateful she truly was to Clarke for hearing her out and not judging her but trying to comfort her instead. She really didn’t feel worthy of Clarke.

‘’So you’re ok with me hanging around or…’’ Lexa inhaled the last word, afraid of the answer.

‘’Absolutely,’’ Clarke said not letting her finish the sentence.

‘’I do want,’’ Lexa started. ‘’I do want to be the way you painted me…’’ she admitted.

‘’Lexa,’’ Clarke said and lifted Lexa’s head until their eyes met. ‘’It’s ok,’’ she assured her.

Lexa only nodded, wanting to believe Clarke with every fiber of her being. Wanting to show Clarke how much she liked her, but still feeling insecure. She felt like a little deer trying to stand up for the first time on his shaky legs. But the important thing was that now Clarke knew how she felt. And she won’t pressure Lexa. She will give her the time she needs. She expected rejection and there Clarke was, giving her look full of empathy and compassion that only made Lexa like her more, it made Lexa love her more.

They remained on the beach until dark, silently enjoying each other’s company, processing all of the information, filled with some unexplainable hope which will stay with them on their way back. The ride passed quickly this time. They would often look at each other, smiling and looking away because of the warmth they would feel in their cheeks.

The cab stopped in front of Clarke’s building and suddenly they were both nervous and didn’t know what to say.

‘’Thank you for tonigh,’’ Clarke broke the silence first.

‘’I’m the one who should thank you,’’ Lexa answered looking shyly at the floor and her look became wider when she felt Clarke’s lips on her cheek.

‘’Bye,’’ Clarke whispered and went out of the taxi, leaving Lexa to struggle with air.

‘’Clarke,’’ Lexa managed to say, following her out and stopping her by taking her hand which made Clarke turn, surprised.

Lexa only looked at her, silent with the same old smile that Clarke adored. She brought Clarke’s hand to her lips, never breaking the look they shared. Preventing Clarke from realizing she was actually handling her piece of paper, which Clarke only became aware of when Lexa got back into the cab.

She looked at it and realized it was the other half of the one hundred dollar bill. And breathing had never felt more excitingly difficult.


	6. Cat and mouse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music:  
> Sweater Weather-The Neighbourhood  
> Hurts- Stay

The sunrise was streaming through the window and it lit Clarke’s hair with a light shade of red. Was yesterday real, she wondered? She still wasn’t fully conscious but she could hear the sound of water splashing, probably Raven showering.  She rolled on her back with her hand pressed against her forehead frowning at the ceiling and straining her brain cells. Real or not real? Did Lexa tell her she liked her? I mean she told Clarke she didn’t dislike her so she must’ve meant she liked her. Faced with a dilemma Clarke reached for her phone in order to text Lexa, but became aware of the time and bon ton rules. She looked towards the window where beams of light were entering her room. Her look was absent with her hands in the air, holding her phone. It became too heavy for her still weak hands so it landed right on her forehead. She quickly rubbed the painful spot in a circular motion. And smiled at her own stupidity, deciding she should get up and get ready for work.

‘’Morning,’’ Raven said to Clarke who was in the kitchen, preparing coffee. She was wrapped in a towel and one more was wrapped around her head.

‘’Morning,’’ Clarke cheerfully replied.

‘’Wow someone is in a good mood,'' Raven noticed. ‘’Someone really got over someone fast.’’

Clarke was silently stirring her coffee, looking at the small whirlpool with a satisfying smirk.

‘’But you came late last night…’’ Raven frowned, following some invisible pattern. ‘’So that means there’s an update!’’ she concluded euphorically. ‘’Details, details!’’

‘’There are no details,’’ Clarke said with the same smile, handling Raven coffee that she made for her as well. ‘’We just talked.’’

‘’Talked?’’ Raven echoed, disappointed. ‘’Anya really is right, you two are so boring.’’

‘’Yes we talked,’’ Clarke said, wanting to leave it at that. She didn’t want to share any information. They were sacred to her and extremely confidential. Lexa chose her as the only one trustworthy. And that part, only her, kept echoing in Clarke’s head. And she was surprised how high lifting it was.

‘’I wonder how you will look after sex, when only talking makes you have that stupid smile…’’

Clarke opened her mouth to say an expected contra argument that would normally deny Raven’s statement. But the connection between sex and Lexa was so enticing to Clarke that it made her forget what she wanted to say. She actually felt her blood pressure rising, making it so high she could feel the hammering in her ears. The various scenarios of when, where and how of it kept crossing her mind, leaving little space for other thoughts.

‘’I can see I’m having a teaser,’’ Raven laughed.

Clarke smiled and swallowed, feeling slightly embarrassed for she knew Raven was right. The thought alone caused her vertigo. But as exciting as it was to daydream about it, the excitement was quickly replaced with doubt. What if Lexa changes her mind and decides she doesn’t like Clarke after all. Everything will be left on that ingloriously ended, gentle kiss. And that thought also drove her crazy. It seemed Clarke was suffering from mood swings, and her symptoms appeared in a form of a lovely brunette. Clarke felt pathetic.

Little did she know that Lexa had the same disease, only caused by a certain blonde haired girl. Wasn’t Clarke amazing, Lexa thought? And beautiful. And caring. And full of understanding. And talented. Didn’t she have the most beautiful voice? The shade of her blue eyes resembled the sea that Lexa liked so much to look at. Life. Clarke was life. Clarke was everything beautiful and pure. Everything that Lexa wasn’t. And now Clarke knew the truth. Lexa had shown her this boring melancholic full of self pity and what if she changes her mind. She surely will. The remembrance of that brief kiss crossed her mind and now she regretted she was the one who broke it. She wanted to text Clarke something, anything. Previous day didn’t seem real and if it wasn’t for the sand in her shoes she wouldn’t believe it happened.

Better half of the day they will spend thinking about what to text. Countless attempts of typing and erasing became annoying. Clarke was too insecure and Lexa wanted to be original. But in the end it was Clarke who broke the magic circle of failed attempts, motivated by boringness of her job.

**_Clarke:_ **

_‘’I’m confused?’’_

The reply came quicker than she’d expected it. And there it was, the familiar sensation running through her body when reading Lexa’s name on the screen.

**_Lexa:_ **

_‘’Why?’’_

‘’You! No phone while working,’’ Clarke’s new, extremely annoying supervisor said, on what Clarke rolled with her eyes. She put her phone down and continued to wipe. Constantly glancing at the source of her irritation and hoping she’ll turn so that she could continue texting.

Lexa was kind of left on the hanging rope. She didn’t know Clarke’s message was sent in a playful manner. Her first thoughts ran to her previous conclusion that Clarke will of course change her mind about her. And now she had proof. Why wasn’t Clarke answering?

‘’Lex, you finished the report?’’ Anya interrupted her, entering her office.

‘’I…’’ Lexa started, while leaning towards the lap top as if she was about to print it. ‘’I’m almost done,’’ she said.

Anya’s arms were crossed. ‘’You haven’t even started yet, haven’t you?’’

‘’No…’’ Lexa said, admitting her guilt.

‘’Lex,’’ Anya disappointedly sighed. ‘’Our deadline was yesterday, I’m supposed to take it to court.’’

‘’I’ll do it, I’ll do it…don’t worry,’’ Lexa was reassuring her, while gripping her buzzing phone.

‘’I’m giving you half hour, ok,’’

‘’Ok, ok,’’ Lexa said, hoping Anya will leave. She would promise anything at that moment.

**_Clarke:_ **

_‘’If you were the one who bet that I’ll get my degree, how come I ended up with the money?_

Lexa fully leaned in her chair. The anticipation was nerve wracking. But know she was relieved. And she could take a deep breath and read the message few more times before answering.

**_Lexa:_ **

_‘’Maybe it wasn’t money I wanted to gain.’’_

‘’I’ve already warned you twice, don’t make me do it the third time,’’ husky voice interrupted Clarke in her reading. ‘’ The guest is waiting, make one cappuccino,’’ supervisor ordered.

God was she irritating Clarke. She was irritating everyone. Day before she bullied their newest colleague, calling her various names, telling her how incompetent she was that the poor girl ended up crying. Today it was Clarke’s turn. But she managed to type back and started heating milk.

 **_Clarke_ ** _:_

_‘’What then?’’_

Lexa smiled for it was her turn to play.

**_Lexa:_ **

_‘’Maybe I just needed something to believe in.’’_

Clarke understood it was a guessing game. Though, she didn’t know Lexa’s aim.

**_Clarke:_ **

_‘’So you’ve finally become a believer?’’_

**_Lexa:_ **

_‘No...’’_

Clarke was still heating the milk when another message came.

**_Lexa:_ **

_‘’But I want to believe in you.’’_

After reading it Clarke didn’t need air. She didn’t need food, or sleep. She was pretty sure she didn’t need anything but Lexa. She kept reading it over and over again, in disbelief of course. She had to read it for several times, just to make sure that those were the exact words written. Lexa wanted to believe in her. And Clarke wasn’t in our solar system anymore, lit alone in a coffee house where the milk was boiling over. And she noticed too late.

‘’Shit, shit, shit,’’ Clarke kept saying.

‘’That’s it,’’ supervisor said when she saw what happened, her tone was angry and her nostrils were expanded. She looked like a raging bull, only with a hint of enjoyment for she found a new victim for today to exercise her authority. ‘’You’ll work extra hours the entire week!’’

Clarke was barely enduring the regular ones.

‘’I’m sorry…’’ Clarke said. ‘’I didn’t mean to…’’

‘’I don’t need your excuses, move!’’

Clarke stood silent, as she was shouting. She stood in place she disliked, doing a job she disliked, listening to a bitter woman who enjoyed bullying others.

‘’And I don’t need this,’’ Clarke calmly said and glanced up at her. ‘’I quit.’’

 ‘’You can’t quit…’’

Clarke smiled and passed by her, taking her apron off. ‘’One cappuccino,’’ she told while walking backwards and motioned towards the guest. ‘’They’re waiting…’’

‘’Wha…Get… Get back here,’’ supervisor shouted. But Clarke was already out, texting back.

**_Clarke:_ **

_Well believe this as well. I just quit my job._

**_Lexa:_ **

_What?! How?!_

**_Clarke:_ **

_Just a moment ago, my boss is a bitch._

**_Lexa:_ **

_Hahah_

_I’m happy for you._

_But I’m suddenly sad because of me._

**_Clarke:_ **

_Why?_

**_Lexa:_ **

_You’ve condemned me to my office._

**_Clarke:_ **

_You can still come to the coffee house if it relaxes you._

**_Lexa:_ **

_What good is the coffee house, if you are not there?_

Clarke was sure Lexa was trying to kill her.

**_Clarke:_ **

_You can see me tomorrow night and we can celebrate degree and resignation._

**_Lexa:_ **

_Deal._

Clarke had no job and kind of had Lexa. The world was beautiful.

 

****

 

As they continued their flirting through texting until the end of the day and through the next day, they’ve reached the point of preparing for their night out. Everyone will be there, Raven got her degree, Octavia got hers yet the only thing Clarke was thinking about was what to wear. She wasn’t that type of a girl. She only wanted to look pretty for Lexa.  But how can anything be pretty when standing next to Lexa? Pants, dresses, shirts, tank tops, so many combinations and she disliked all of them in her never ending experiments. But the choice fell on black dress and heals.

Lexa wasn’t that obsessed with what to wear, her white blouse and black pants were enough to make her feel satisfied with her reflection. But she only wanted to see Clarke. She was nervous and excited and more and more impatient. Time moved really slowly and it was annoying her beyond reason. She didn’t know what would be better for her confidence, if she came among first and wait for Clarke. Or if she came later when she knew Clarke would be there. One was sure, anticipation was killing her. 

Upon coming there her heart was producing a strange beat and she realized she wasn’t ready to see Clarke. All of a sudden she needed more time. She reached the table where Anya, Lincoln and Octavia were and she was relieved. _Good, she’s still not here,_ Lexa thought.

‘’Hi guys,’’ she said and they all cheerfully replied.

‘’Girls didn’t come yet,’’ Lexa asked.

‘’Any minute now,’’ Anya said.

Lexa needed more than minutes.

‘’Good, good,’’ she said, not really meaning it. She was texting with Clarke the entire day and it was easy to be confident when those blue eyes were not piercing through you, reaching at your very soul.

‘’What’s wrong,’’ Anya asked.

‘’Nothing, why?’’

‘’You look edgy, though it was not my original thought.’’

‘’You know I prefer original ones.’’

‘’Well if you insist…sexually frustrated,’’ Anya said and laughed.

‘’I knew it was gonna be in that context,’’ Lexa sighed but smiled regardless. ‘’I’m not,’’ she started. ‘’It’s just… I don’t even know how to explain.’’

‘’As much as I enjoy your psychotic phases I don’t think I’m the right address this time. But she might be.

‘’Who…?’’ Lexa frowned.

Anya jerked her head in the direction where Clarke and Raven were coming from. And Lexa had to swallow whatever it is she wanted to say. She turned around only to become mute and her senses dulled. There was no more music in her head, there was only image of this beautiful creature that was walking towards her, penetrating every single defense Lexa’s heart could create. Her eyes fell on Clarke’s leg that was visible with every step she would make. And then she went up the curves of her hips and towards this blue necklace that matched the color of her eyes. She observed until Clarke stopped before her and their eyes met with Lexa searching something in them.

‘’Hi,’’ Clarke said in a greeting manner, kissing Lexa’s cheek.

‘’Hi,’’ Lexa managed to replay and started shaking her head in disbelief. ‘’You…You’re…’’

Clarke was happily surprised with Lexa’s stammering.

‘’You’re a vision,’’ she finally said.

‘’Thanks,’’ Clarke said secretly proud her mission was accomplished.

‘’Congratulations, officially,’’ Lexa said after recovering.

‘’Thanks… Though, it wouldn’t have happened without you.’’

‘’It was all you Miss Griffin,’’ Lexa said before they joined the group and started what was supposed to be a fun night with Anya being the entertainer.

But before that they were supposed to order some drinks. And Anya called a waiter, ordering five shots and letting Lexa choose for herself.

‘’Six,’’ Lexa politely said, causing surprise within the rest of the group.

‘’It’s ok, you don’t have to,’’ Clarke whispered to her.

‘’I can’t miss a toast in your honor,’’ Lexa said and winked at Clarke, an act she felt it in her knees.

The drinks arrived and Lexa did hesitate for few seconds, a moment that Clarke noticed, but said nothing. Lexa was looking at a shot glass containing blue liquid inside and was thinking about her reasons not to drink and how they were intimidating her for so long. Was she foolish to behave that way or was she afraid? Maybe it was only grieve as Clarke said. Whatever the reason was it was time for her to let go.

She drank the shot, letting the liquid slide down her throat, slowly and feeling the burn of alcohol afterwards.

‘’Is the world still here?’’ Clarke teased.

‘’The world… Yes. But what’s more surprising, me as well,’’ Lexa said, delighted with the easiness of the act, almost wanting to laugh at the past self.

‘’I’m proud of you,’’ Clarke admitted, making Lexa give her a grin.

‘’One more round,’’ Lexa called.

‘’Easy there,’’ Anya said. ‘’You’re in a phase where smell alone can make you drunk,’’ she teased.

Lexa only gave her the look that didn’t require words and nodded at the waiter.

They drank the other round which of course didn’t make anyone drunk but made Lexa unburdened. She needed two toasts, one for the past and one for the future.

The music gained more speed, and the podium started filling in. All that alcohol was searching for a way out and it was gonna be vomiting or sweat.

But Clarke and Lexa didn’t need alcohol to feel drunk, their feelings were enough. And standing near Lexa made Clarke nervous, excited, turned on, all at once so when Sweater Weather started playing she used it as an excuse to pull herself together and she joined the podium.

Lexa followed her with her look, feeling too nervous to actually follow Clarke. Instead she watched her dance, hypnotized by Clarke’s movement. With the way her head moved and her hips swayed in a slow rhythm that made Clarke even more mesmerizing.  She watched her in all her grace, thankful that she was bestowed with such sight.

Clarke felt like a magnet and Lexa felt the pull in every corner of her body. She took Anya’s shot and drank it, making both Anya and Raven laugh. But she didn’t hear them. She needed third toast for luck or courage, or maybe both.

Clarke couldn’t see her coming and Lexa stopped two feet from her, looking at Clarke’s bare back. She slowly came closer, barely inch away, trailing her fingers down Clarke’s arm, sending chills down Clarke’s spine, making her instantly stop dancing, enjoying the sensation. She interlocked their fingers upon reaching Clarke's hand.  And Clarke turned to face two emerald jewels that were gazing upon her in complete adoration. She lifted Lexa's hand and kissed it, after what Lexa spun her over until Clarke’s back weren’t pressed against Lexa’s chest and they started swaying with the sound of music . They could both feel the warmth radiating from one another. Lost in a bliss they wanted to last forever. Clarke lifted her free hand and tangled it in Lexa’s hair from behind, not letting Lexa's head move from her shoulder. They were almost facing one another. They could feel each other's breath heating their lips. And the closeness could easily make them stop breathing. Lexa’s hands moved to Clarke’s hips, holding them firmly. And for a moment in their minds the podium was empty, they both craved to be left alone. They craved for their own hideaway, far from world, worries, fears and doubts.

‘’You want to go,’’ Lexa whispered at what Clarke nodded, feeling too weak to answer.

They waved at their friends. And Lexa took Clarke's hand, leading them both through the crowd towards the exit.

‘’Well…’’ Anya started. ‘’They surely stayed longer than I expected,’’ she finished, making everyone laugh. ‘’Pay up babe,’’ she said to Raven who kissed her instead.

‘’Where are we gonna go,’’ Clarke asked, after finding themselves in front of the club, feeling giddy and aware of her smile.

‘’I don’t know,’’ Lexa said with a grin.

‘’It was your idea to leave,’’ Clarke continued, but not really caring where they will end up, she liked being anywhere as long as Lexa was with her.

‘’I just wanted to be alone with you,’’ Lexa admitted.

‘’So what are we gonna do,’’ Clarke said and both of their smiles began to fade while their eyes revealed hidden desires that started sweeping over their faces.

‘’I was wondering if you could, ‘’ she paused and glanced at Clarke. ‘’Show me the painting again.’’

Clarke swallowed at the remembrance of their last time in front of it. ‘’Sure…’’

 

****

 

Ride to Clarke’s apartment felt extremely peaceful and soothing. Clarke's head was resting on Lexa’s shoulder and she could swear she almost fell asleep. All those feelings, as exciting as they were, also were exhausting. The adrenaline and then the crash of it can leave you feeling as if being beaten. They didn’t talk but they understood each other. And they felt the same. There was nothing to tell except to officially declare love for one another. So simple and so complicated. They knew what was going to happen. Maybe not with hundred percent accuracy but let’s say they were hoping for the same thing. The problem was that the longer you delay something the harder it becomes to actually do it. Maybe the hopes are too high, or you are uncomfortable. Or you just love that someone so much that you want to give them perfection and you simply don’t feel like you’re up to the task. You’re afraid of disappointing them. And in the vastness of their feelings they found themselves in the apartment again. Not really knowing what to do or say but if given the chance to express their feelings they wouldn't stop talking.

‘’These heals are killing me,’’ Clarke said while removing them and Lexa looked the other way feeling she was too obvious.  Why was she doing this to herself? She went to the kitchen, pretending she was thirsty while Clarke went to her room to find something comfortable to change into. 

''Where do you keep glasses?!'' Lexa shouted.

''Second cupboard on the left,'' Clarke answered, standing in front of her wardrobe. It was so comfortable for her to have Lexa roaming around her apartment so freely. As if they were a couple. And the image of them as a couple made her dizzy.

‘’Wow,’’ Lexa said upon entering Clarke's room, stunned again by her paintings carrying glass of water with her. 

‘’Thanks,’’ Clarke answered, never feeling impressed with her work.

And Lexa stopped in front of the particular painting, looking at herself.

‘’You’ve never told me,’’ Clarke started, coming to stand beside Lexa, with white shirt and jeans in her hands. ‘’Is the sight prettier in reality? Was I even close.’’

‘’Clarke…’’ Lexa started. ‘’It’s ten times prettier the way you painted it.’’

‘’You’re lying.’’

‘’I’m not Clarke,’’ Lexa said while trailing with her fingers over the painting and truly meaning it. ‘’That’s the beauty of you. You don’t have to be there to know what it’s like. You explore with your imagination. It’s the depth of you. You see through things and through people for what they really are. And you save them.’’ Lexa was lost in Clarke’s art. ‘’That’s why I l…’’ she started but stopped upon realizing what the unfinished word was and cleared her throat. ‘’That’s why you’re you.’’

Calrke stood frozen in disbelief. Feeling the hammering inside her chest, stimulated by the unspoken word. 

‘’I can see you,’’ she said.

‘’I know,’’ Lexa looked at her.

If only eyes could talk, that would’ve saved them a lot of time. Instead they were just looking at one another, without courage to act. Clarke knew what happened the last time they stood there and she didn’t want to scare Lexa again. But Lexa was still afraid to act. Lexa had a lot of traumas and Clarke couldn’t expect her to overcome them just by one wink from her side, no matter how big the attraction was. Healing requires time and feeling that Lexa was almost there was enough for Clarke not to act but still feel satisfied somehow.

‘’You want to watch a movie?’’ Clarke offered, letting Lexa know she will stick with her promise and won’t pressure her.

‘’Sure...’’

‘’Ok, I’ll go change and then we’ll choose something to watch.’’

‘’Ok,’’ Lexa said while going towards the bed, not lying on it, but not really sitting either.

Clarke went to the bathroom, not just to change but also to fix her makeup, wash her teeth, fix her hair. It was different type of preparation, that can also last as the one for the club. Lexa was in her room she couldn’t just come out of the bathroom like a scarecrow. She wanted to be pretty even if it’s just a casual movie night. She has seen the way Lexa was looking at her in her dress. But she’s not wearing dresses 24/7 and she wanted that look from Lexa 24/7.

Outside was starting to rain and Lexa kept glancing at the painting from the bed, angry that she had missed every single opportunity to act. Wanting to borrow some courage from that girl she was looking at, just a little, enough for one kiss. And then she thought she could manage on her own.  Occasionally she would glance at her watch, wondering what’s keeping Clarke so long. The sound of rain had a soothing effect. And she decided to rest her eyes, just until Clarke comes out. If they were gonna watch a movie it will require her full attention. Although with Clarke near her, she didn’t believe she will concentrate on a movie.

Clarke finally got out of the bathroom. Not really satisfied with her reflection. But after realizing she’s been in there for almost half an hour she panicked and quickly got out, only to find Lexa was asleep. She smiled at the sight before her and sat on her bed. Lexa looked so beautiful and innocent in her slumber that Clarke couldn’t bear waking her. Instead she laid on the bed herself, facing Lexa, but kissing her forehead before fully resting.  

‘’Sleep,’’ she whispered.

 

****

_Street was empty with nothing but the street lights glowing as guidelines. City fell asleep a long time ago and yet there was some urge in Lexa, telling her not to wait for the green light. Sixth sense, maybe? Some vibrant feeling that makes you uncomfortable. That tickles you and warns you about the upcoming events. And yet you continue to ignore it, thinking that everything will be fine. You are protected and shielded. You are universe's favorite. You are the only person in the world who will live forever._

_Her hand was on the gear stick. Hesitant and inpatient she kept glancing at the traffic light, uttering soundless words and wondering why is she so nervous in the first place. She never really paid attention to these things before nor  was she someone who’s nervousness was so easily visible. She wasn’t in a hurry or had some important responsibility. It was just an illusion, an unconscious need to spare time, since we have it so little. She decided to go. She won’t wait. And she probably wouldn’t have, if she hadn’t felt someone’s hand on her own._

 

_Clarke was sitting in the front seat next to her._

 

 Lexa’s entire body jerked and she almost jumped from Clarke’s bed, which made Clarke awake as well. It was still dark and raining outside and Lexa stood up, not really knowing where she was.

‘’Not again,’’ she kept repeating.

‘’What is it,’’ Clarke asked, confused, and also not fully conscious.

Lexa’s breathing was heavy. ‘’Not you,’’ she said to Clarke. ‘’Not you…’’

‘’Not me what,’’ Clarke said. But it all looked like a panic attack to her.

‘’I…I need air,’’ Lexa said, heading to the door only this time Clarke followed her.

‘’Lexa wait, talk to me,’’ she kept saying while they were going down the stairs.

‘’Clarke please, don’t follow.’’

‘’Lexa…’’

They got outside and stopped in the middle of the street, where Clarke finally managed to catch Lexa. She was absorbing rain with her eyes closed and taking deep breaths.

‘’Lexa what is it,’’ Clarke pleaded but no answer came. Instead Lexa lowered her head and slowly opened her eyes letting Clarke’s voice guide her back to safety. She found her worried look mixed with love and compassion. Lexa’s tears were not visible for they blended with the rain streaming down her cheeks. And whether it was the rain that gave her courage or the cold wind through which Clarke’s voice echoed it was enough to push her towards Clarke’s lips, making them sway in a trembling kiss.


	7. Falling carelessly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music: Fever Ray- Keep the streets empty for me

They stumbled into the apartment, both smelling like summer rain, with drenched clothes they desperately wanted to get rid of. Clarke closed the door by pushing Lexa against them, lining one kiss after another. She broke the kiss only to pull Lexa’s blouse and undershirt over her head, letting the piece of fabric fall carelessly to the ground. Lexa’s hands found Clarke’s hips again, pulling them closer, squeezing them until her knuckles turned yellow. Clarke's mouth dropped to Lexa’s neck and her heart, if possible, speeded up even more at feeling the rhythm of Lexa’s.

‘’I want you,’’ she gasped, letting her words echo through the darkness of the hallway, making Lexa’s vision blurrier than it already was.

Clarke was the only thing she could feel. Clarke. Clarke, everywhere. God she felt good. Every touch was electrifying. Every moan was arousing. Every movement made her dizzy. Lexa spun them over and slid her thigh between Clarke’s legs, making Clarke moan into the kiss.

‘’You have me,’’ she whispered.

Clarke urged them towards bedroom. And kisses varied from passionate to caring, while they walked slowly, trying not to break them.

They fell onto the bed with Clarke on top, holding Lexa’s hands above her head, not letting them move. Every second moved boundaries of the unknown. And Clarke straightened herself after bestriding Lexa, wanting to remove her shirt.

‘’Wait,’’ Lexa said. ‘’Slowly…’’ her voice sounding deeper than it usually was. Her eyes were fixed on Clarke glowing in the dimmed light of the room, making her even more radiant than she was. And the seductiveness of her eyes was transcending as much as it was arousing.

The shirt slowly went up, up, over Clarke’s head and then was off and quickly forgotten, revealing hidden black colored piece of undergarment and it made Lexa swallow. She was good at suppressing emotions but this was different. Clarke was deliberately tempting her, for she could sense her struggle. She wanted Lexa to break the rules of her own game.  And she did it by placing her finger on Lexa’s mouth, trailing it down slowly over her chest, feeling her lungs getting filled with air. And the fact that she was in control of Lexa’s breathing created the most satisfying smirk on her face. That’s all it took to make Lexa launch herself, starting a kiss that took them both by surprise with its intensity and lustfulness. And they both moaned. Lexa’s hands ran up the skin of Clarke’s back and she unhooked the obstacle she reached, before rolling them over and starting new series of arousing kisses. Soft. Sweet. Irresistible. Addictive. Clarke’s lips were addictive. And Lexa couldn’t detach herself from them. Every time their tongues met it felt like an explosion.

They became lost somewhere between love and lust as Lexa eventually started lowering herself, placing kisses over Clarke’s breasts and her stomach, making Clarke’s spine curve from sudden jolts. She straightened herself, never breaking the eye contact, slowly undoing buttons of Clarke’s pants. It became difficult to breath, and the slowness of Lexa’s movements was nerve wrecking for Clarke. Lexa pulled one leg at a time, revealing the last remaining piece of fabric that also had to be removed. And doing it in the same manner only increased the already insane hammering in their chests. She lowered herself, desperately in need of Clarke’s lips. Clarke’s hands ran up her back, griping the muscles that kept clenching and relaxing. She unhooked Lexa’s bra and Lexa quickly tossed it to the ground after letting the straps fall. The first touch of their bare skin erased all coherent thoughts, if they had any left. And they had to stop for a brief moment. Just for few seconds, until they were safely out of the heart attack zone.

Lexa caressed Clarke’s parted mouth with her thumb, feeling her breath, heating their lips. ‘’So beautiful,’’ she whispered in awe, referring to Clarke as a whole. Inside, outside, every corner of her was perfect. Her eyes were shining like two pearls, making Lexa lose herself in the sea of emotions behind them. And Clarke wondered since when was she the beautiful one between them.

She tucked the strand of Lexa’s hair behind her ear. ‘’I’m in love with you’’, she admitted in complete adoration. ‘’I’m so in love with you,’’ she repeated emphasizing the word so. And the amount of love and happiness her eyes contained made them sparkle and she was on the verge of tears.

The confession and the sight made Lexa ache. It made her want to swear that she’ll have her now and always, forever and even after that. She will never let go, unless Clarke orders her away. She had to kiss her, gently, letting her know how she felt, for words couldn’t describe it. The kiss was slow and caring, filled with love and deep affection, until Clarke tangled her hands in Lexa’s hair and started pulling her closer, deepening the kiss. Lexa felt Clarke’s legs wrapping around her waist, urging her. More. They both wanted more. They thought they were ready for more. And her hand went down, over Clarke’s breast and down the curves of her hips until supporting Clarke’s thigh with a firm grip.

They acted on instinct, not experience.

Lexa lifted herself until she was kneeling, pulling Clarke with her as well. Her hand rested on Clarke's neck but they didn’t kiss. Instead, they kept breathing one another, looking at each other’s lips. Clarke pressed their foreheads together and bit her lower lip nervously. The anticipation was killing her as Lexa’s hand started to glide down slowly between them, headed towards the only part left unknown.

‘’If you want me to stop…?’’ Lexa started.

‘’Don’t,’’ Clarke interrupted, not letting her finish. ‘’Don’t stop.’’

Lexa found Clarke’s eyes to convince her, to make her understand this was not a dream. This was real, Clarke was real and she loved her.

She buried her head in the crook of Clarke’s neck, overwhelmed with feelings that were stripping her over ability to speak. She started to search for something, something hidden and sacred, a secret or a beautiful promise. She searched over and over. Maybe for a part of herself or of her confidence, of her strength, of her will, her desires, her lust. She searched until Clarke’s moans were too loud to keep her focused and until time became irrelevant. She searched until they felt as if being the only ones alive and the only ones in love. Both vulnerable but with faith in one another and completely surrendered to the hurricane of swirling emotions.

 

****

 

Lexa lay whacked on the side, while Clarke was placing lazy kisses on her shoulder. Her eyes were closed and she was trying to remember the last time she felt this way. Her heart was still hammering and she was trying to calm down or at least lower it to a decent pace. The moment felt surreal, and every time Clarke’s lips came in contact with her skin it made her attempts to calm down fail. Was this really what she was missing all along?

‘’Are you ok,’’ Clarke asked after sensing they were quite for a long time.

‘’I will be,’’ Lexa lazily started. ‘’If you keep doing that,’’ she presumed to say, making Clarke smile proudly.

‘’But what are you thinking about?’’ Clarke asked, slightly worried if maybe it was all too much for Lexa.

‘’Nothing…just trying to remember the last time I felt this way…’’

‘’And…?’’

‘’And I can’t remember…’’ Lexa said. ‘’One night in Thailand comes to mind but it doesn’t really compare.’’

‘’And who was with you that night,’’ Clarke teased, making Lexa slightly shy.

‘’No one,’’ she said with a quirky smile. ‘’I didn’t mean it like that.’’

‘’It’s kind of hard for me to believe in that,’’ Clarke said. ‘’No one in two years, while you being you.’’

‘’There’s been no one Clarke,’’ Lexa’s eyes were still closed. ‘’Only you,’’ she said.

She couldn’t see Clarke’s grin but she could feel it. She felt Clarke pulling away, starting to trail her finger down her spine, sending chills all over her body. Clarke wanted to know every little detail, everything there was to know about Lexa.

‘’This is beautiful,’’ Clarke said, refereeing to Lexa’s back tattoo.

‘’I got it in Greece, a circle for every cardinal virtue.’’

‘’Eight circles,’’ Clarke said after counting them. ‘’I thought there were four of them.’’

‘’There are. Only I wanted to add flaws as well, their opposites.’’

‘’Why?’’

Lexa sighed. ‘’Flaws to remind me what I am and virtues to remind me what I should be,’’ she explained.

‘’It’s beautiful,’’ Clarke started. ‘’But I would erase the flaws, cause you have none of them’’ she said and the compliment made the corners of Lexa’s lips curve up, but she still didn’t believe it was true.

‘’Lexa,’’ Clarke hesitantly started but stopped after hearing Lexa shushing her, simply wanting to be silent and enjoy the moment.

The act made Clarke enjoy the fact that Lexa felt peaceful. But she could still feel cold chills running down her spine. She was too afraid to ask and yet she desperately wanted to know. ‘

’You don’t plan on leaving again, do you?’’ She said in spite of Lexa’s shushing.

Clarke’s fear made Lexa surprised and she wanted Clarke to know that there was no reason for her to worry about that.

‘’Only if you would go with me,’’ she said, making Clarke sigh in relief.

Clarke tried to push it further with one more question.

‘’What were you dreaming about?’’ she asked, but that was the line that made Lexa’s eyes open and she turned around to face Clarke. Seeing her face reminded her of her face from the dream and apparently her newly discovered fear. She was looking at her the same way and Lexa couldn’t answer.

‘’Can we talk about something else?’’ she said with a cracking voice.

The answer didn’t really come as a surprise. Clarke wasn’t sure if she was expecting an answer at all. She was carried away in testing the limits and how far she can go for a start. At the moment nothing else really mattered except the fact that they were together in bed. Clarke wasn’t really sure what their status is going to be in the morning. But at this very moment they were together. And for now that was enough.

‘’We don’t have to talk at all,’’ she said with her eyes daring and openly inviting Lexa for something they both knew was too good to be refused. And nothing could compare to the feeling of their lips coming together.

 

****

 

Clarke was asleep, comfortably nested in Lexa’s embrace but Lexa couldn’t seem to fall asleep. She was listening Clarke’s even breaths and when she would utter few incoherent words in her deep slumber it would make Lexa smile. Maybe she couldn’t close her eyes because she was waiting to wake up. But the moment and Clarke peaceful in her arms was surpassing the magic of dreams and that’s how she would know it was real.

The arrival of the first light made Lexa look at the window and as the beam moved slowly, becoming bigger and wider it all seemed like a metaphor to her. She carefully stood up, minding she doesn’t wake up Clarke who started to squirm but stopped after Lexa placed a caring kiss on her forehead. She approached the window, leaning on the frame wondering if she should take a walk.

The glass still wasn’t dry and there were drops on the other side, reminding Lexa of the rain and how it started this domino effect that led her where she stood now. She started to reply all the kisses in her head, every touch and highlight from the night that was now behind them. And she realized that all she wanted was for Clarke to wake up just so she could kiss her again. She was overwhelmingly and undeniably in love. She has been for quite some time, only now she definitely knew. There were no more excuses she could find. There was only this all-consuming love and she felt stupid for being afraid of it for so long.

 

****

 

Clarke woke up eventually, only to find she woke up in an empty bed. Thoughts that Lexa had left and that it was all too much for her was the only thing she could think about. They shouldn’t. They shouldn’t have slept together.

She quickly rushed out of her bed, not really having the time to fully search for her clothes. Her shirt and hipster panties felt enough. She found herself in the hallway. And the adrenaline stopped pumping after seeing Lexa behind the kitchen counter, preparing breakfast in her white undershirt. She gave Clarke that adorable smile and Clarke sighed away with her eyes closed.

‘’Morning,’’ Lexa said.

Clarke’s eyes were still closed and her hand was on her chest. ‘’I thought you left,’’ she said in relief.

‘’I think I ran away enough times,’’ Lexa joked, leaning on the counter with both of her hands.

 Clarke was approaching her, recovering from a post traumatic stress.

‘’It would be your third time, I think,’’ Clarke concluded after reaching the counter and leaning as well with her arms crossed.

‘’Third time’s a charm,’’ Lexa teased, lifting her eyebrow and lustful staring followed.

They were patiently waiting, waiting for the other. Flashbacks ran before their eyes. All the touches and passionate kisses, every word that was said echoed in their minds, wanting to be said again. They both knew what was under the clothes and they longed to be rid of it. All of that made Lexa lean and capture Clarke’s lips in a long-awaited kiss. And this one was different from all the previous ones. It was a different kind of kiss, the one that was reminding what followed the last time.

‘’Hi,’’ Lexa greeted her, lost in a cerulean shade of Clarke’s eyes.

‘’Hi,’’ Clarke happily sighed, fully recovered and sucking her lower lip. ‘’You really scared me,’’ she admitted.

Lexa frowned surprisingly. ‘’You really thought I left.’’

‘’I didn’t know what to expect… That was the first thing that came to my mind,’’ Clarke said and shyly lifted her look. ‘’And… I didn’t know how you felt about last night.’’

Lexa smiled. ‘’Maybe this can help you,’’ she said before taking ketchup bottle and three toasts. She used the bottle as a pen and hid what she was writing.

‘’Enjoy your breakfast,’’ she said upon finishing and before serving toasts to Clarke on a plate.

Three toasts for three words. _I love you._

Those simple words threatened to create the biggest grin on Clarke’s face and she tried to sustain it by biting her lower lip.

‘’It was that good,’’ she managed to say, still not being able to detach her eyes from the letters.

‘’That good,’’ Lexa echoed with a smirk.

‘’Well,’’ Clarke started, finding Lexa’s eyes. ‘’If it was rain you needed,’’ she said while pushing the plate away and hoping on the counter. ‘’I hope it rains forever,’’ she concluded before pulling Lexa by the front of her undershirt, signaling the end of conversation and start of a new one that didn’t require words.

Lexa’s hands instantly found Clarke’s thighs, and ran up slowly towards her hips. She slipped the words: ‘’I hope too,’’ in between kisses. And that was the only thing she was able to say before they surrendered completely, lost in the feelings they knew it was highly unlikely they'll get tired of.


	8. One day

Time passes faster when you’re happy. And for Clarke, month and a half since her and Lexa started dating passed insanely fast. They got accustomed to the fact that they were dating, but would still blush once in a while, especially when teased by Raven and Anya.

Lexa became more dedicated to her job and Clarke was in search of anything art related. She was strongly refusing any other field, especially medical. Occasionally she would have her moments of doubt. But then Lexa would convince her otherwise. And she could do it in some unexplainable way that Clarke would always believe her. She offered to help her around rent, until Clarke finds a job but Clarke refused. And that’s how they got to their first argument. It wasn’t about who makes more, it was simply about Clarke’s need to take care of herself. The feeling of being dependable was why she left home in the first place. But they were pretty much in making love at every opportunity phase and that seemed to become their solution for everything.  And when they would lay in bed that’s how deals and compromises were made. The decision in the end was that Lexa won’t help Clarke in first two months.

Another thing Clarke was refusing was any type of communication with her mother. Only now that fact ceased to disturb her as it did before. Her love for Lexa kept her anger at bay. But no one could tell how long it will last. She only informed her mother about getting her degree. But she did it by mailing it to her.

‘’You’re awful,’’ Lexa said.

‘’She wanted it, now she can have it,’’ Clarke coldly answered, writing address information on the envelope.

‘’I just don’t understand why you hate her so much’’

‘’That’s because you don’t know her’’

 ‘’Is she such a monster for wanting her daughter to work in a field in which by the way she has a degree in’’

‘’I don’t want to talk about it’’

‘’You don’t have ten mothers Clarke’’

‘’I don’t,’’ Clarke emphasized the word don’t.  ‘’…want to talk about it’’

Lexa would give up eventually as Clarke would ask for a kiss, like a spoiled little girl. And Lexa couldn’t help but indulge her needs.

Clarke didn’t want to let anything threaten their relationship. Part of her was still worrying about the fragility of Lexa’s feelings. And she wanted to be the stronger one until she’s completely sure Lexa is fully healed. Or that’s what she kept telling herself.

 

****

 

Now, after almost two months of unsuccessful searching an interesting opportunity emerged. The job was for gallery assistant. And the fact that it was a private one and not a public one only made Clarke like the offer more. Lack of experience made her have few failed job interviews behind her and she couldn’t afford another one.  Her hopes were really high for this one and something inside was telling her it was a ticket in the right direction.

She was supposed to start getting ready but whenever she would try to get up Lexa would pull her by her waist, not letting her move. They were in a playful mood but Clarke was now running out of time.

‘’You’ll have to let me go eventually,’’ she smiled.

‘’No,’’ Lexa murmured to the pillow.

‘’You’re just delaying inevitable,’’ Clarke said, trying to get up again but Lexa did the same thing.

Clarke didn’t want to get up either. These were the moments she started to hate the most, two of them parting.  She rolled to face Lexa. Few strands of her brown hair were covering her nose, her eyes were still closed and she was wearing a vague smile. And Clarke thought she looked adorable.

 ‘’I have to go,’’ she whispered after removing the strands and brushing their lips. She couldn’t stay no matter how cute she found Lexa, who protested after the kiss but removed her hand from Clarke’s waist.

Clarke finally got up and Lexa sighed while rolling on her back, as cold air entered empty sheets, making her fully awake.  Clarke opened her wardrobe and Lexa propped her head up on an elbow as her eyes kept roaming all over Clarke’s body.

 ‘’Have dinner with me tonight,’’ she said.

Clarke surprisingly glanced at her. ‘’What’s the occasion’’

Lexa shook with her head, trying to find one. ‘’Me wanting to take you out’’

Clarke smiled and returned to her clothes. ‘’Sure. Where’’

‘’Anywhere you want’’

Clarke’s look suddenly became thoughtful, as she turned towards Lexa.

‘’There is this restaurant that my dad used to take us to. And I haven’t been there since he died. But I think I would like to go there now.’’

‘’You sure,’’ Lexa asked, knowing how rarely Clarke spoke of her father.

‘’I think I am,’’ Clarke said, rethinking her decision.

‘’Ok, we’ll go there’’ 

‘’Ok,’’ Clarke confirmed, finally deciding what to wear.

‘’I thought that skirt was reserved only for me,’’ Lexa cockily said.

‘’This is a skirt reserved for moments when I want someone to like me,’’ Clarke said, putting chosen items on the bed.

‘’Well if it’s gonna have the same effect like it has on me they’re gonna love you,’’ Lexa kept her cocky attitude as Clarke approached the night stand in order to find color skin socks.

‘’The things you won’t say to make me stay longer,’’ she said, pretending she wasn’t interested. And Lexa smiled but became serious all of a sudden, grabbing Clarke’s forearm.

 ‘’Hey have you heard what happened?’’

‘’What,’’ Clarke frowned.

‘’It’s been all over the news, ’’ she paused. ‘’How crazy I am about you,’’

It was frustrating how adorable Lexa’s grin was.

‘’You cocky, little, aghhh,’’ Clarke started before Lexa pulled her and rolled them over, not letting Clarke finish.

She gazed upon Clarke as Clarke’s hand caressed her cheek.

‘’It’s not fair,’’ Clarke said. ‘’You know I can’t resist that smile. You’ve corrupted me with sex and charm.’’

‘’One of my better crimes,’’ Lexa whispered.

 And Clarke ran over Lexa’s mouth with her index finger, regretting herself she didn’t have more time. Their eyes were saying enough, they both wanted to kiss each other.  But they knew if they should start they won’t be able to stop, so none of them acted.

‘’Go,’’ Lexa quietly said after kissing Clarke’s palm. ‘’I’ll see you tonight, when you get the job.’’

‘’I’m not gonna know it tonight.’’

‘’But I know you’ll get it’’

 In moments like those words tended to come out on their own. And one _I love you_ came out of Clarke’s mouth.

‘’I love you more’’

 

****

****

**_Clarke:_ **

I’m nervous

**_Lexa:_ **

It will be fine

**_Clarke:_ **

I have briefly seen the guy. And I don’t think he likes people.

**_Lexa:_ **

He’ll have to like you

**_Clarke:_ **

I’m already sleeping with you, no need for cheesiness.

**_Lexa:_ **

Hahahaha

Ok, he’s not gonna like you

**_Clarke:_ **

Back to cheesy, back to cheesy.

**_Lexa:_ **

Pick up your mind

**_Clarke:_ **

Fuck, I’m next.

**_Lexa:_ **

Yes, their next gallery assistant.

Clarke:

I love you so much, see you tonight.

**_Lexa:_ **

Love you

 

‘’Hello,’’ a mid-age woman approached Clarke. ‘’You’re next miss.’’

Clarke nervously stood up, lifting her painting as well. And this was the first interview where she decided to bring her work with her.

 ‘’Thank you,’’ she said, before hesitantly pushing the door handle down.

The room had weird smell, ceiling was very high. And wooden floor and white walls had their own contribution to this cold first impression that Clarke got. Apart from the paintings that were all over the room.

A man whom Clarke assumed was the gallery owner stood in the middle, quietly observing some artwork.

‘’Hello,’’ Clarke said but the man remained invested in the painting.

‘’You would like to be my assistant?’’ he said after a longer pause, never taking his look of the painting.

‘’If you think I’m fit for the role sir,’’ Clarke answered, slightly confused. This was not how she imagined it would be. This was actually worse. She imagined a chair at least.

‘’Have you ever worked in a gallery before?’’

Clarke’s palms started to sweat. ‘’No sir’’

‘’What’s your previous experience’’

Clarke smiled at the irony of her answer. ‘’Waitress’’

He became silent again and Clarke didn’t know if she was supposed to do something. ‘’Ok, you can go,’’ a man concluded.

Clarke shook her head in disbelief. The amount of disappointment she felt was indescribable. He acted beyond rude.

She was on her way out but now anger became the most dominant feeling. And since this so called interview was done she felt free to openly say what she thinks.

‘’No sir I don’t want to be your assistant,’’ she angrily started and finally got his attention.

‘’If you want an honest answer I only want to paint. But since the world is a bit different than how I imagined it, it seems that in order to get what I want I first have to be your assistant. And after seeing you I’m glad that I won’t be. Good day sir,’’ she said before stretching her arm towards the door handle.

‘’What is it that you’re holding,’’ he asked, making Clarke stop.

 _A roasted pig_ she sarcastically thought. ‘’A painting, of course’’

‘’Who’s is it’’

‘’Mine,’’ Clarke answered, not really in the mood to talk.

‘’Show me,’’ he ordered and Clarke annoyingly removed the cloth that was covering it.

Seeing Lexa even on the painting had a calming effect on her. But then she suddenly got angrier. They lost a beautiful morning because of this idiot.

Man knelt before the painting, trailing his fingers over it. He was silent and observant and his face got a slightly softer expression.

 ‘’You can go,’’ he stood up. ‘’We will call you if you get the job,’’ he concluded while headed towards the previous painting.

‘’No need sir,’’ Clarke said. ‘’Have a good day,’’ she ironically added before leaving.

He removed his glasses after Clarke left, smiling at now closed door.

‘’Next,’’ he yelled.

 

****

 

Lexa stood for almost 20 minutes in front of what she believed was the right restaurant. She had to read again the location Clarke texted her but that’s when Clarke appeared.

‘’Sorry,’’ she said while kissing Lexa’s cheek in greeting. ‘’I’m so sorry. Raven accidentally took my key and locked me, so I had to wait for her until she came back,’’ Clarke explained.

‘’It’s ok,’’ Lexa smiled, as always when seeing Clarke. ‘’Let’s go inside.’’

Clarke suddenly stopped upon entering as all the memories and her favorite family moments started rushing back to her. The restaurant was mostly as she remembered it, with slight modifications, which was understandable due to the amount of years that have passed.

‘’Are you ok,’’ Lexa asked, assuming what the reason of Clarke not moving was.

‘’Yes I’m fine,’’ Clarke answered, with a hint of insecurity.

Lexa took her hand, interlocking their fingers, letting Clarke know she’s safe. And Clarke used smile as a thank you.

Hostess led them to their table, giving them menu after they sat, with accent on house specialties. They ordered wine until waiting for food and after few minutes waiter returned, putting two glasses of red wine between them. They started retelling memorable moments from that day. But Clarke’s interview quickly became the main subject.

‘’He really sounds like an idiot,’’ Lexa frowned.

‘’I’m telling you, the guy barely looked at me.’’

‘’Who cares, you will find something better,’’ Lexa said. ‘’At least you told him what an idiot he is’’

‘’I was pissed and so angry that I got there in the first place. I should’ve stayed with you.’’

‘’I’m holding you on that one before your next interview,’’ Lexa said with a smirk.

‘’I guess I’ll have to make up for it tonight,’’ Clarke proposed a tempting suggestion.

‘’I’m holding you on that one as well,’’ Lexa said having the same smile.

‘’Who’s idea was it to leave the house?’’ Clarke asked, pretending she can’t remember.

‘’I guess I have to make up for my mistakes as well,’’ Lexa said as a small ball hit her ankle and interrupted their flirting.

She lowered her head and lifted the toy as a little girl from the table next to theirs approached them. Lexa smiled and caressed the top of her head, before giving the ball back. And the gesture made Clarke’s heart melt, just a slight.

‘’What,’’ Lexa asked, becoming aware of Clarke’s stare.

‘’Nothing I… I just imagined you with a kid,’’ Clarke admitted, slightly afraid of Lexa’s reaction.

‘’A kid,’’ Lexa surprisingly echoed.

‘’You don’t like kids,’’ Clarke asked.

‘’I like kids, until they start crying. That’s when I safely point them to a different direction.’’

Clarke laughed. ‘’No but seriously, let’s say one day.’’

Lexa thought about the idea. Not having parents while growing up kind of made her insecure about her own parenting abilities. ’’Maybe. I don’t know. I mean I don’t know what kind of parent I would be,’’ Lexa was trying to explain. ‘’Or what kind I should be,’’ she added. ‘’And I couldn’t bear being a bad one.’’

The meals arrived and they both leaned back on their chairs, waiting to continue their conversation after the food is served. And in the meantime Lexa glanced at the little girl again.

‘’Well I think you’ll be a great one,’’ Clarke encouraged her after the waiter had left.

‘’You want kids,’’ Lexa asked.

‘’Sure I do,’’ Clarke answered. ‘’Not now of course but one day…’’

‘’Then,’’ Lexa lifted her glass and Clarke followed. ‘’For that one day when you will have a job that you like, a kid that you want and hopefully you will still like one brunette that is absolutely crazy about you.

‘’As long as she stays hot,’’ Clarke joked, refusing to clink until Lexa agrees.

‘’I can’t promise that. What if I’m the one who’s gonna carry the child.’’

‘’Then no kids’’ Clarke smiled

‘’No kids,’’ Lexa agreed before clinking glasses. 

 ‘’I knew you were checking me out.’’

‘’All the time Miss Woods, all the time…

They started their dinner both secretly thinking about that one day seed that was completely unexpectedly planted. And both surprised over the pleasant feeling the image of it filled them with.

 

****

 

Lexa waited outside of the restaurant for Clarke to come out of the washroom. The cold breeze, unusual for that time of the year made her wrap her coat around her and she suddenly yawned.

‘’Lexa,’’ she heard a voice saying her name, making her head turn.

‘’Ma’am,’’ she surprisingly said with a grin, recognizing woman from the plane.

‘’How are you,’’ Abby asked while shaking Lexa’s hand.

‘’Good ma’am,’’ Lexa’s thoughts ran to Clarke. ‘’Very good’’

‘’No more nightmares,’’ Abby teasingly said.

‘’I’m not expecting them any time soon,’’ Lexa happily answered.

‘’I’m really glad to hear that,’’ Abby said, truly meaning it. ‘’Oh this is Marcus,’’ she introduced the man standing beside her.

‘’It’s nice to meet you,’’ he said, stretching his hand towards Lexa.

‘’You too sir’’

‘’What brings you here,’’ Abby asked.

Lexa pointed at the restaurant. ‘’I’m waiting for my girlfriend’’

 ‘’I guess that explains the very good part,’’ Abby teased again, making Lexa blush.

‘’Something like that,’’ she shyly said.

‘’Maybe the two of you could join us,’’ Abby suggested.

‘’Gladly ma’am, but we just finished our dinner,’’ she politely refused. ‘’How is your daughter, she still wants to paint,’’ Lexa asked.

 ‘’My daughter…’’ Abby’s enthusiasm suddenly splashed. ‘’My daughter has given me a real headache in these past few months.’’

‘’Why,’’ Lexa asked.

‘’It’s been almost half a year since she left home. And she’s not answering my calls’’

‘’I’m really sorry to hear that,’’ Lexa said. ‘’I wish I could help you’’

 ‘’Sadly you can’t,’’ Abby said, looking at the floor.

‘’She will come home,’’ Marcus encouraged her.

‘’Anyway it was very nice to see you again,’’ Abby concluded, as she and Marcus were preparing to enter the restaurant.

‘’Actually ma’am I’m really glad I ran into you,’’ Lexa started, almost forgetting about the bracelet. ‘’ You lost…’’

‘’Clarke,’’ Abby said in shock, making Clarke freeze at the entrance.

‘’Mom,’’ she said. Surprise was equal and Clarke’s face hardened. ‘’And you,’’ she added almost in disgust, seeing the man from the gallery standing beside Abby.

It didn’t take her much to realize their relation, as Marcus’s hand was politely around Abby’s waist. She climbed down the two stairs before her, deciding to ignore them.

‘’Clarke,’’ Abby stopped her by grabbing her arm.

‘’Let go,’’ Clarke said.

‘’You can’t keep acting like this forever,’’ Abby said, visibly upset.

‘’How dare you bring him here,’’ Clarke asked as her anger made her eyes sparkle.

Lexa stood in shock, trying to process everything.

‘’Let go,’’ Clarke repeated, tearing her arm out of Abby’s grip and starting to walk away.

 ‘’Clarke wait,’’ Lexa yelled, finding herself suddenly torn between mother and daughter.

‘’Sorry ma’am,’’ she managed to say before rushing after Clarke and leaving Abby mute.

 

****

 

‘’I can’t believe you know my mother,’’ Clarke said, angrily entering Lexa’s apartment. ‘’I can’t believe you like her,’’ she added. ‘’ And you’re actually holding her side.’’

‘’I didn’t say I was holding her side. I said I would like to know her side,’’ Lexa said while closing the door.

‘’So you don’t trust me.’’

‘’I do trust you Clarke, but I liked the woman I met on the plane. I just can’t put that woman and the woman you described to me together. At least I would like to know her side before doing so.

‘’Well now you know who she is, so change your mind.’’

‘’Clarke, don’t be a child’’

Clarke kept walking aimlessly around the living room. ‘’You know what, they do fit together,’’ she ironically said, remembering the image of Marcus and Abby together and it made her sick.

‘’Clarke,’’ Lexa wanted to approach her.

‘’Don’t,’’ she pointed at her. ‘’I’m really angry right now’’

‘’I know you are, I just think your reasons are wrong.’’

‘’You don’t know her’’

‘’I’m afraid you don’t know her either’’

‘’I don’t want to know her. She never cared about what I wanted. Why should I care about her now’’ Clarke shouted.

‘’Love, I don’t want to fight.’’

‘’I don’t want either but we are. And what drives me mad is that we are fighting because of her, not because of us. I knew this would happen. Every time we mention her this happens.’’

‘’Well I do agree with her on one thing. You can’t act like this forever.’’

‘’You should be on my side’’

‘’I am on your side’’

‘’It doesn’t look like you are,’’ Clarke paused. ‘’How could she bring him there, how,’’ she kept wondering, not being able to get the image out of her head.

Lexa’s heart ached at the sight of Clarke broken. She approached her, gently taking her hand, urging her towards the sofa. And when Clarke sat, Lexa knelt before her. Clarke’s eyes were fixed on her lap and Lexa lifted Clarke’s chin in search for her eyes but Clarke kept looking aside.  

‘’Love, look at me. I’m on your side. I’m always on your side. Never question that,’’ Lexa reassured her. ‘’ But I’m trying to look at a bigger picture here. I know what it’s like not to have a mother. And it’s killing me to see yours alive and well and you not talking to her. I don’t want that for you.’’

‘’But she,’’ Clarke started and Lexa only lifted her eyebrows, signalizing that Clarke should let her finish.

‘’I know that you loved your father very much’’

Clarke closed her eyes.

‘’I know and you don’t have to answer me this,’’ Lexa paused, taking both of Clarke’s hands. ‘’But I know that part of you is blaming her for his death, you told me that once. I don’t know the entire story and I will never ask you to tell me unless you decide you want to yourself.’’

A tear slid down Clarke’s cheek and Lexa wanted to stop but knew she had to continue.

‘’Your parents loved each other, right?’’

Clarke only nodded.

‘’Then I assume she must've suffered as well. And imagine the only thing you have left from the person you loved hating you. Maybe her being carrier focused helped her deal with her loss. That's just me guessing. I don't know. I’m not telling you she was right or that it was ok for her to behave that way. I don't want you to get that kind of impression. Cause It wasn't, not even the slightest. I’m just telling you she’s a human, and therefore she will make mistakes. And her behavior affected you, hurt you. And yes it wasn’t your fault and yes it wasn’t fair and I can not bear to see you in pain. But that's why I'm telling you all this. Cause this hate that you carry around is like a shackle that you have to get rid of, slowly and in your own pace, with no one pressuring you. I do believe everything you said, I guess it was just hard for me to imagine a mother being so careless. I somehow want to believe that she loves you. I got impression that she cares.’’

Another tear slid Clarke's cheek. She wanted to believe Lexa's words. Deep down we all want love. And when we feel we didn't get as much as we needed we become angry and eventually start to hate, for we did nothing wrong. Not having a normal relationship with her mother did hurt Clarke. She wouldn't have behaved the way she did, if it wasn't so. But forgiving is never easy. 

‘’I love you,'' Lexa said caressing Clarke's cheek. ''I love you so much''

Clarke closed her eyes again, letting the words echo inside her head.

''I love you too,'' she said, feeling tired all of a sudden. ''I still don't have the strength to talk about it.''

‘’I know,’’ Lexa kissed her forehead. ‘’I told you, you don’t have to’’

‘’I want,’’ Clarke started but realized she was too exhausted. ‘’I want to sleep,’’ she said.

‘’Ok, anything you want’’ 

They spent the rest of the time in silence, with Lexa letting Clarke prepare for the bed first. And when she got to bed herself Clarke was on her side with her eyes closed. Lexa wanted to hold her but didn’t know if Clarke was already asleep. She turned off the light on her night stand and lay on her back, staring at now dark ceiling,

She was finally alone with her thoughts. Abby was Clarke’s mother. Lexa had Abby’s bracelet. Lexa didn’t know how to tell Clarke. She wanted to, but part of her thought she could use it in a different way. It was her ticket to talk to Abby. But she didn’t know if she had the right to get involved and how would Clarke feel about it. That’s when she sensed Clarke rolling and coming into her embrace and she immediately let her nest, as usual. She ran her fingers through Clarke’s hair. But when she felt Clarke’s silent sobbing her heart tore to pieces and she held Clarke tighter.

‘’Cry,’’ she whispered before kissing Clarke’s temple. And that’s when she decided she will get involved. She had a plan, sort of.

 

****

 

They only had time for a quick breakfast together. Clarke had another interview and Lexa had to be in her office. They both woke up tired, with Clarke waking up first and preparing breakfast, or something that resembled breakfast. Lexa came to the kitchen, afraid in which state she will find Clarke.

‘’Hi,’’ Clarke smiled.

‘’Hey,’’ Lexa mimicked the smile and hesitantly approached. ‘’How are you feeling’’

Clarke shrugged with her shoulders not knowing what to answer and Lexa understood the feeling. Their closeness suddenly felt awkward to Lexa and she didn’t know how to break it, she didn’t want to force anything on Clarke. She just wanted Clarke to be herself again.

‘’Is there anything I can do,’’ Lexa asked and it made Clarke fly into her embrace, the only place that made her feel safe.

‘’Never leave,’’ she whispered.

‘’I promise,’’ Lexa said.

Clarke pressed their foreheads together.

‘’There is something you could do,’’ she said.

‘’Anything’’

‘’You could kiss me’’

Lexa smiled and cupped Clarke’s cheeks, gently, just like the kiss that followed was. Clarke’s hands ran up Lexa’s arms, over her shoulders and into Lexa's hair, pulling her closer, deepening the kiss. This felt like them again, this was their fuel. This was what gave them strength. Lexa's mouth dropped to Clarke’s neck as she started to unbutton Clarke’s shirt. Her knuckles were grazing Clarke’s breast while going down the path, creating fluttery feeling of excitement. Clarke caught her breath for a moment and a soft moan followed. That’s when her phone started to ring.

‘’You should answer,’’ Lexa gasped, while moving her mouth against Clarke's.

‘’This is more important,’’ Clarke said, before softly biting Lexa’s lower lip.

The phone stopped but started to ring again. And this time Clarke let out an annoying sound, before turning to find this hatful device.  

‘’Hello,’’ she said, as Lexa stood behind her, lowering the strap of Clarke’s bra, trailing her lips over the skin of Clark's shoulder towards her neck. Making Clarke's eyes close. 

‘’Miss Griffin,’’ a female voice said. ‘’We met yesterday on your job interview. I’m calling you from the gallery to tell you that you got the job.’’

Clarke froze, and turned to face Lexa as the voice from the phone kept calling her name.

‘’Son of a bitch wants to give me a job’’


	9. Home

After her job interview, that went not nearly as bad as the previous one, Clarke found herself standing in front of a sign that said _Woods lawyers_. And oddly this was her first time in front of it. She wasn’t thinking about the interview or what the outcome is going to be. Lexa’s words from the night before kept echoing in her head and she didn’t know how to feel about it. It was impossible to erase the pain. But it was true that this hate wasn’t healthy for her and last night it affected her relationship with Lexa. And Clarke couldn’t let that happen again.

She rejected Marcus’s job offer. She would think of herself as the biggest hypocrite if she had accepted it. And the thought that her mother probably had some saying in it made the entire offer even more appalling. To Clarke it all seemed like a petty bribing attempt.   

She exited on the 4th floor, entering the swirling world of papers and deadlines.  Most of the offices were open and people kept frequently going in and out of them, always invested in papers they were holding, not really minding their surroundings. Some would even bump into each other, interns mostly.

To Clarke it all looked like a human hornet. She wasn’t made for office life.

‘’Well well,’’ a voice interrupted her. ‘’Look who came to check upon her girlfriend,’’ Anya said, surprised to meet Clarke in the hall, kissing her cheek in greeting.

‘’Well, there are some hot interns here,’’ Clarke joked. ‘’I’m telling that to Raven’’

‘’I like you Clarke, no need for me to call the security’’

They both laughed.

‘’I was just coming from your girlfriends office,’’ Anya said.

‘’Where is that actually.’’

‘’At the end of the hall, the one on the left,’’ Anya pointed.

‘’Then I better go before some intern swoops in,’’ Clarke said before heading towards it.

‘’Wait Clarke,’’ Anya followed.

‘’Since you’re here,’’ she hesitantly started. ‘’I would like to thank you’’

‘’For what,’’ Clarke frowned.

‘’For making Lexa happy again,’’ Anya said, making Clarke’s eyes widen. ‘’It’s all over her face. And I’m really happy.’’

Clarke was taken off- guard. Words came so unexpectedly.  

‘’She’s like my sister you know. You have no idea how worried I was for her,’’ she continued. ‘’Especially when she left but don’t tell her this, ok. I like to tease her.’’

Clarke smiled, filled with satisfaction over the thought that she is the one responsible for Lexa’s happiness.

‘’Just take care of her, ok,’’ Anya said starting to walk backwards.

‘’I will,’’ Clarke promised. ‘’And I’m glad she has a friend like you,’’ she said as they both smiled, looking gratefully at each other before Anya entered her office. 

Clarke reached the end of the hall, noticing portraits of people who she assumed were Lexa’s parents. Lexa resembled her mother and Clarke would’ve wanted to meet them.

Lexa stood by the desk, her back towards the door. The words she was reading simple weren’t getting to her. She had to tell Clarke about the bracelet. But what if Clarke gets mad that Lexa didn’t tell her immediately? What if she misunderstands her act? But it’s not like Clarke would be completely wrong. Lexa did keep it a secret, even if it was only for a day.

‘’I told you in twenty minutes, not two,’’ she said, annoyed, thinking that Anya came back so soon.

‘’I have to admit that when you’re all serious it’s a huge turn on for me,’’ Clarke said, slowly wrapping her arms around Lexa’s waist, making her jump after the touch.

‘’Clarke,’’ she said, turning to face her, smiling after the shock. ‘’What are you doing here?’’

‘’Checking up if you’re cheating on me with some hot secretary’’

‘’I don’t have one, yet,’’ Lexa teased. ‘’ But hey you need a job’’

‘’What is it exactly that secretary does,’’ Clarke asked looking all flirtatious, wrapping her hands around Lexa’s neck.

‘’Sometimes they sleep with their boss,’’ Lexa joked, tracing the outline of Clarke’s waist, feeling the curves of Clarke’s hips beneath the fabric.

‘’If that’s what they do,’’ Clarke got closer, quietly breathing in Lexa’s perfume and the alluring scent made her dizzy. ‘’I think you owe me two months of salary‘’ she said before capturing Lexa’s lover lip as Lexa held Clarke by her waist.

‘’You’re driving me crazy,’’ Lexa gasped as Clarke’s lips dropped to her neck, and she felt Clarke’s smile.  

‘’How did the interview go,’’ she asked, trying to recover from the kiss.

‘’Surprisingly nice,’’ Clarke said. ‘’But since they tend to offer me jobs when the interviews go wrong, I recon they will not offer me this one.’’

‘’They didn’t call you again, the previous gallery,’’ Lexa asked as Clarke started playing with her necklace.

‘’They did once. But I didn’t answer. I can guaranty you that my mother told him to give me the job just so I would owe it to her. Cause she thinks I’m incapable of doing anything on my own.’’

Lexa swallowed at the remembrance of the bracelet.

‘’Do you have time,’’ Clarke asked.

Lexa glanced at her watch. ‘’No, but… ‘’ she tucked the strand of Clarke’s hair behind her ear. ‘’How can I say no to you’’

Clarke smiled, brushing their lips again, not breaking the kiss until an idea occurred.

‘’You know where we could go,’’ she smiled.

‘’Where’’

‘’Our coffee house’’

 Lexa frowned. ‘’I thought you hated the place’’

‘’I hated the job,’’ Clarke explained. ‘’But I can’t hate the place, that’s where I met you.’’

Lexa’s soft smile was saying enough.

 

****

 

They walked into the coffee house. And the images started flashing before Clarke’s eyes. It wasn’t that long ago and yet it felt like a life time ago when chaos ruled over her life. A time when everything seemed pointless until Lexa walked in. She looked at the table where Lexa used to sit, luckily untaken at the moment. And Lexa only smiled after Clarke suggested it.

A waiter approached them soon after they sat.

‘’Hello,’’ he greeted them before his eyes widened. ‘’Princess,’’ he blurted out.

Clarke smiled and Lexa frowned.

‘’How are you,’’ his grin spreaded all over his face.

‘’Good, I’m good.’’

‘’It’s great to see you, we missed you here’’

‘’It’s nice to see you too,’’ Clarke smiled. ‘’This is Lexa,’’ she introduced them. ‘’My girlfriend’’

‘’Hi,’’ Finn stretched his hand and Lexa nodded after shaking it.

‘’Well now I understand why you refused to go out on a date,’’ he said making Clarke shyly look at Lexa and smile. ‘’What would you like to drink’’

Lexa looked at Clarke with a quirky smile and Clarke understood the message.

‘’You’ll give us two orange juices,’’ she said.

‘’On their way,’’ he nodded, before heading to the bar.

‘’Princess,’’ Lexa teased after he left.

Clarke waved with her hand. ‘’It was his annoying way to flirt.’’

Lexa smiled, reaching for Clarke’s hand across the table and kissing it. ‘’How do you feel,’’ she asked.

‘’The place or in general’’

‘’In general’’

Clarke sighed. ‘’Confused’’

Lexa only looked at her emphatically, as Clarke looked aside.

‘’I thought about what you said, about my mother and everything. It was just too much you know. Seeing her again, and especially with that man, and the place. It all happened at once. And I couldn’t hold it in. It was just too much.’’

‘’I know,’’ Lexa whispered caressing Clarkes hand with her thumb.

Clarke’s look was thoughtful.

‘’She always wanted me to be like her. In her eyes she was the strong one, I was the weak one. And therefore she was always trying to I don’t know, like fix me. She was always there to tell me hurry up, or your grades are not good enough, or your room is not clean enough. I was never good enough, never. Every success was overshadowed by some flaw. Or something that she thought qualified as a flaw. It didn’t matter how hard I tried, she could never see the effort. That one percent would overshadow the other ninety nine and it was the only thing that counted. Result mattered, effort was never praised. End eventually I just stopped trying.

‘’I’m sorry,’’ Lexa said with a weak voice.

‘’Me too’’

‘’Clarke, I have to tell you something that I should’ve told you yesterday but as you said it all felt too much for one night.’’

Lexa’s phone started to ring.

‘’It’s Anya,’’ she said, looking at the display. ‘’What is it’’

‘’Where are you’’

‘’I’m with Clarke at the coffee house.’’

‘’I’m really happy that you guys are in love. I swear I am.  But you better get your ass back here right now. Indra is gonna be pissed and you know she never tells you anything so that means I’ll be on the front line again.’’

‘’Ok, ok, I’m coming,’’ Lexa said before hanging up.

‘’Break is done,’’ Clarke asked.

‘’Apparently,’’ Lexa sighed. ‘’But listen could you come at my place tonight,’’ she asked but the juices arrived.

‘’I’m afraid you’ll have to give it to us in take away cups,’’ Clarke said.

‘’You forgot what waiters are annoyed by Clarke,’’ Finn joked and went back to the bar.

‘’Will you come,’’ Lexa asked again.

‘’Sure,’’ Clarke frowned at Lexa’s sudden seriousness. ‘’Is everything ok?’’

‘’Yeah… I mean…It depends how you look at it.’’

‘’If that was supposed to help it didn’t,’’ Clarke joked, making Lexa smile again. ‘’Sure I’ll come’’

 

****

 

Lexa was looking at Abby’s bracelet, praying that Clarke won’t get angry when she shows it to her. She was in habit of delaying things and it was annoying her so much. She was nervous, obviously nervous. So nervous, that the sound of the doorbell made her jump from the sofa.

She opened the door, finding Clarke reading out loud the summary from the back of the DVD she was holding.

 _‘’_ _On the eve of the American Civil War, rich, beautiful and self-centered Scarlett O'Hara has everything she could want -- except Ashley Wilkes. But as the war devastates the South, Scarlett discovers the strength within herself to protect her family and rebuild her life. Through everything, she longs for Ashley, seemingly unaware that she is already married to the man she really loves -- and who truly loves her -- until she finally drives him away. Only then does Scarlett realize what she has lost ... and decide to win him back’’_

‘’Honey it sounds great, it really does.  But check this out. Duration 3 hours 58 minutes and somehow I forgot everything else I read.’’

Lexa laughed. ‘’Trust me, when you see Rhett Butler you’ll wish it lasted twice as long.’’

‘’I wanted us to have a movie marathon. But then I figured this qualifies as a marathon and I’ll probably die during,’’ Clarke joked while walking in, giving Lexa a quick peck before she closed the door.

She made herself comfortable on the sofa but Lexa remained frozen, feeling immovable.

‘’What are you doing there,’’ Clarke asked.

‘’Hmm,’’ Lexa said, as if being awaken from catatonic state.

‘’Why are you standing there, come here.’’

‘’Right, right,’’ Lexa nervously answered. ‘’I just wanted water,’’ she passed by the counter that separated kitchen from the living room. ‘’Do you want something’’

‘’No,’’ Clarke watched Lexa move. She missed the cupboard with the glasses and opened the one with the plates.

‘’Left one’’

‘’What,’’ Lexa turned.

‘’Glasses,’’ Clarke said and pointed towards the cupboard. ‘’Left one’’

‘’Sure,’’ Lexa nervously smiled.

Clarke watched her, frowning, though partially amused for nervous Lexa wasn’t something you could see often. ‘’What is it,’’ she eventually asked.

‘’Nothing,’’ Lexa quickly said.

Clarke stood up and came to the kitchen herself.

‘’Tell me,’’ she smiled, leaning on the kitchen sink.

Lexa looked at her apologetically before sighing.

‘’Ok come here,’’ she said, taking Clarke’s hand and leading them towards the sofa. Clarke was trying to figure out what the issue was and Lexa was trying to find the courage she needed.

‘’I sort of had a dilemma of my own,’’ Lexa started after they both sat.

‘’Just to clarify, this is not a break up, right,’’ Clarke quickly interrupted.

‘’How can I break up with the perfect girl’’

‘’Ok, now you can say whatever you want this will be the only thing I’ll remember anyway,’’ Clarke smiled.

‘’Remember you said that as well,’’ Lexa joked, partially meaning it. ‘’I was surprised myself when I found out who your mother was. Out of all people to meet, she was the first one I met upon my arrival. And I took it as a sign and it gave me courage to tell you things I maybe wasn’t supposed to.  I’m a lawyer. I deal with facts. And the fact that she was your mother seemed enough to me when it shouldn’t be‘’

Clarke was slightly frowning, not really understanding what Lexa was trying to say. Not until Lexa put her hand in her pocket and hesitantly revealed a piece of jewelry she had inside.

‘’I believe you know what this is,’’ she said, handling it to Clarke.

‘’Where did you get this,’’ she asked, her mouth suddenly dry.

‘’Your mother lost it the day we met on the plane. And I didn’t know what else to do but to keep it. I knew who’s it was but I didn’t know how to give it back. All I knew about that woman was that she lost a husband and has a daughter who’s good at painting.’’

‘’She told you I was good,’’ Clarke asked in disbelief and Lexa only nodded.

‘’That’s why I thought you can sort out your issues. Because I knew deep down she thinks you’re good at it.  I assumed you just couldn’t find a way to talk to each other and did it wrong for a very, very long time. But I’ll never make that mistake again. I even wanted to talk to her myself. But I was afraid you’d misunderstand the act. I didn’t want to do it because I think you need protection or that you can’t take care of yourself. I just wanted to return the favor. You saved me from my darkest moment. You saved me from myself.  And for that Clarke I’ll always be grateful. You’re the strongest person I know and I just wanted to be your hero. But if someone should return this to Abby it should be you.’’

Clarke was silent and it was starting to surpass Lexa’s patience. She finally lifted her look. And it made Lexa scared for it was the first time she couldn’t read Clarke’s eyes. And Clarke could see that.

‘’Please don’t tell me you’re mad at me for not showing it earlier.’’

No one was ever this considerate of Clarke’s feelings. No one respected her this much. She looked at the bracelet again. It was Lexa who found it. Out of all people Lexa. As if her father had chosen her. What should she say? How could she describe how she felt? How else but launching herself at Lexa.

‘’Damn it Clarke,’’ Lexa sighed, feeling the full impact of stress caused by waiting for Clarke’s reaction.

‘’I love you,’’ Clarke said, tightening the embrace. ‘’It’s not normal how much I love you,’’ she said breaking the hug in search for Lexa’s eyes and cupping her cheeks. ‘’I love you,’’ she felt the need to say it once more. Though, she could easily keep saying it for the rest of her life. And Lexa looked at her in relief.

‘’Clarke Griffin, you’ll be the death of me,’’ she softly whispered before the space between them was gone and Clarke urged Lexa to lay on her back, while Lexa held Clarke firmly on top, as if she was the only solid thing in the dizzy, swaying world.

Clarke’s insistent mouth were parting Lexa’s lips, sending tremors along her nerves. The kisses started evoking sensations they never thought they were capable of feeling. And they both felt the rush of helplessness, making them surrender completely to the swift gradation of intensity. Clarke started unbuttoning Lexa’s shirt, craving for the skin beneath the fabric, making Lexa’s spine curve while she was placing kisses down along the path.

‘’Move in with me,’’ Lexa softly said, almost moaning, making Clarke quickly straightened herself, still straddling Lexa.

‘’What,’’ she blurted out.

‘’Nothing,’’ Lexa quickly answered, propping on her elbows.

‘’You want me to move in.’’

Lexa looked aside. ‘’Maybe’’

Clarke’s heart was pounding. ‘’Are you serious…''

‘’I don’t know’’

‘’So it just came out in the heat of the moment?’’ Clarke asked and Lexa looked aside again, trying to figure out herself what triggered her suggestion.

‘’It came out in the heat of the moment,’’ she said before looking back at Clarke. ‘’But it doesn’t mean I wasn’t serious. I was… I still am.’’

Clarke’s heart began to pound even more, of course she wanted it, but she was afraid.

‘’Are…are we ready for it.’’

‘’I don’t know…’’ Lexa said, slightly insecure. She lifted herself, caressing Clarke’s cheek. ’’All I know is that I never loved anyone this much. Shouldn’t that be the only thing that matters,’’ she smiled, becoming fond of her own idea. ‘’And it’s not like we’re not doing it already. Either I sleep at your place or you sleep at mine.’’

Clarke leaned towards Lexa’s lips, slowly and gently moving her mouth against Lexa’s.  And if she could wish for something she would wish for that moment to last forever.

‘’Is that a yes’’

Clarke smiled into the kiss, nodding.

‘’You know what,’’ Lexa broke the kiss.

‘’What,’’ Clarke smiled.

‘’You’re not a princes,’’ Lexa caressed Clarke’s lips. ‘’You’re a queen’’

They didn’t watch Gone with the wind. They found other way to entertain themselves. And it lasted just as long.

****

 

Lexa was smiling contently, tracing her fingers over Clarke’s bare back. The warmth of Lexa’s embrace became the only thing that could make Clarke feel peaceful. It felt like a safe promise or reassurance for the unpredictability of life. Everything felt achievable as long as she had it.

 ‘’What are you thinking about,’’ Lexa whispered, softly.

Clarke sighed. ‘’That I’m gonna give it back to her,’’ she said. ‘’Not because of her, but because dad would want her to have it’’

Lexa kissed her temple.

‘’They were a nice couple, though. And I’m grateful that I saw it from them. What a real relationship looks like. It was based on respect and it is only now when I love this much that I can imagine how devastating it must be to lose it.’’

‘’What was he like,’’ Lexa asked.

‘’Oh you would’ve loved him. He was impulsive like you,’’ Clarke started trailing her fingers across Lexa’s chest. ‘’ You know he once told me he tried to apply for art school and he didn’t get in. So he walked all the way home and burned every painting, sketch or drawing he ever made.’’

‘’Another walker when unhappy,’’ Lexa said, making them both smile.

‘’He worked as an architect and he disliked it so much. But he was one of those who could be quiet for a long time and would never tell you if something was bothering him. He would always keep it in. And I think eventually that’s what got him killed. He was always telling me do what you love, you have to do what you love. And mother, coming from a poor family couldn’t understand that and would always say do something profitable. They were complete opposites and yet they functioned extremely well as a couple. But for a child they were confusing. I was always torn between them, left somewhere in the middle not knowing who’s wishes I should indulge.

One day a boss called my dad into his office, only to tell him he was fired. He didn’t like his job but we had mortgage to pay and it wasn’t the best moment for something like that. But he didn’t protest. He only asked for one of those scale models, the only one he liked making. And when they refused to give it to him he smashed every one of them. That day at home he didn’t say anything. He was different, though, he would get easily irritated. He didn’t really look like himself and he refused to tell what  it was.

Over dinner mother and I got into a fight. We never needed much for a fight. I don’t even remember what the reason was. But I’m sure it was something stupid. And as it goes with fights it escalated into this huge argument. I called her names, she called me as well. She told me that I should be more ambitious, if I want to have anything in life.  And all I wanted and expected was for her to love me just the way I am. And then dad started defending me and the fight sort of transcended and I stood there watching them saying all these things to one another. She blamed him for encouraging me to be the way I am. It was the first time I ever saw them fight and it was because of me. That night dad wanted to sleep in the living room. That’s why no one knew the exact time he had a heart attack. And by the time my mother realized it was too late and there wasn’t much they could do in the hospital. And when she told me he died my world collapsed.

Maybe I enrolled medical studies to learn if there was anything that could be done. Maybe I wanted to become better than my mother, to show her he could’ve been saved. Maybe I wanted to repress my artistic side because it reminded me of him. Whatever the reason was it was triggered by his death.

The two of us didn’t fight much after it. We didn’t particularly talk as well. I was the one avoiding her. Hating her in secret thinking that if she didn’t start the fight nothing would’ve happened. Whenever I would look at her I would think you’re the reason, you’re the reason the only person that ever understood me is gone.

And it wasn’t her, it was life I guess. I’m never gonna have a normal relationship with her, it’s too late for that now. But there’s no point in hating her either. And maybe just like I blamed her she blamed me, for if I was the way she wanted me to be we wouldn’t have got into a fight in the first place. She lost the man she loved and got stuck with a daughter that didn’t turn out the way she planned. I mean I’m just guessing. I don’t know. It’s just how it all looked to me sometimes, or how I would feel. I guess we’re both just two tragic characters, who got lost in their pain.

Lexa remained mute, not knowing what to do but to hold Clarke tight, promising to herself that she’ll always be there for Clarke.

 

****

 

Clarke hesitated but pressed the door bell anyway. She had the key to her mother’s apartment of course. But it didn’t feel like hers anymore, therefore she didn’t feel the right to walk in so freely.

‘’Clarke,’’ Abby said upon opening the door, startled. Not really knowing what to say afterwards.

‘’Hi,’’ Clarke greeted, not overly enthusiastic. ’’May I come in?’’

‘’Of course you can,’’ Abby made space for Clarke to enter. ‘’This is your house,’’ she said and Clarke ignored that statement.

‘’Is by any chance that man inside,’’ she asked before entering, for she wouldn’t enter if he was.  

‘’No,’’ Abby said.

And Clarke passed by her, feeling absolutely awkward just by the slightest thought of touching her. It was extremely unnatural, she knew that. And yet she couldn’t help but feel that way. It seemed that as she was growing up they were only growing apart. And now they were nothing more than two strangers who somehow happened to be blood related.

‘’You look nice,’’ Abby noticed as Clarke walked into the living room, feeling strange.

‘’Thanks,’’ Clarke said, not really accustomed by compliments coming from Abby.

‘’Are you ok,’’ Abby asked, visibly worried.

‘’I’m fine,’’ Clarke continued giving short answers, wanting to be done with it as soon as possible.

‘’You still live with Raven’’

‘’Yes but Lexa and I are thinking about moving in together.’’

‘’So you and Lexa’’

‘’Me and Lexa,’’ Clarke echoed.

‘’That’s nice,’’ Abby said. ‘’I’m glad it’s her’’

‘’Me too,’’ Clarke agreed not knowing how long she’ll be able to endure the awkwardness. ‘’Anyway I won’t take much of your time.’’

‘’Clarke please,’’ Abby stepped towards her.

‘’Please don’t,’’ Clarke lifted her hand.

‘’I want you to know I had nothing with Marcus’s decision,’’ Abby started.

‘’I don’t want to talk about that man,’’ Clarke cut Abby’s sentence again.

‘’Clarke we have to talk,’’ Abby insisted.

‘’No we don’t have to talk.’’

‘’What have I done to make you hate me so,’’ Abby asked, looking slightly different to Clarke. You never know what you have until you lose it, and Clarke didn’t know if Abby finally understood that.

‘’It doesn’t matter mom’’

‘’Maybe it matters to me’’

Clarke turned towards the window, wondering why she came in the first place.

‘’It felt as if you were rejecting me ever since you were a child and I don’t why. I’m sorry, ok. I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done,’’ Abby said it but in a way that was extremely familiar to Clarke, as if scoffing.

Underneath her apology Clarke could sense hidden criticism for her inability to see Abby’s sacrifice. And she hated when Abby would portray herself as the biggest martyr. Clarke didn’t think she wasn’t one, just not the biggest.

‘’You were never there for me’’ she quietly said, looking at the street bellow. ‘’You were never there to help me through a bad dream or a broken leg,’’ she turned towards Abby smiling at the easiness the confession was made. Couple of years ago she couldn’t get through half of that sentence without shattering emotionally. ‘’…or a broken heart,’’ she concluded.

Abby looked at her, silent, frozen.

‘’Maybe you lacked shirts while growing up and you think that by providing me with them you qualify as a good mother. But I’m not the type who wanted shirts. For me one kind word would be enough. And it could elevate me so high that I probably would’ve been able to do everything you wanted. It wouldn’t matter what it was, because I wouldd know that my mother loves me and that would give me strenght. But you could never see that.’’

Abby struggled with words. Never has she felt so defeated. And Clarke, who wanted that kind of reaction from Abby’s side for so long, got it in the moment when she didn’t care at all. And she wondered was that the recipe to getting things you want, by not wanting them.

‘’I do love…’’ Abby started.

‘’Don’t,’’ Clarke didn’t want to hear it. ‘’There’s no point. I only came to give you this,’’ she said, taking the bracelet out of her pocket and handling it to Abby who hesitantly took it.

‘’You lost it on the airport the day you met Lexa. And she kept it with her all this time.’’

Abby’s lower lip trembled, her legs felt weak and she sat on the sofa, still unable to remove, now watery look from the bracelet. And soon afterwards tears started to decant like river from the riverbed. It was quiet sobbing at first. Those were tears of redemption and grieve over all the things lost and events that scared her. Tears caused by becoming aware of your actions. Tears of fear over the punishment you expect and everything else that you can’t remember at that moment but you will with every upcoming day.

Clarke looked at the shattered image of her mother. It was the first time she saw such a breakdown from her side. Maybe the first time she ever saw her express something emotional with such intensity. She remembered all those moments when she herself looked like that, wanting nothing but a hug from her mother’s side. Just to let her know that the world hadn’t ended.

She approached Abby, slowly diving into the awkwardness. She held her mother, frowning while doing so. And she realized that no matter how angry at life you can be. No matter how scared you are or how painful it was. In the end you have to let go.

 

****

 

‘’You’re sure about this,’’ Clarke asked.

‘’You still worry about me?’’

‘’I don’t know, should I?’’

‘’C’mon,’’ Lexa said, taking Clarke’s hand.

They walked into the cemetery but Lexa stopped, noticing a familiar face selling flowers.

‘’What is it,’’ Clarke asked.

Lexa smiled, looking at the old lady. ‘’I need to say hi to someone’’

‘’I remember your face,’’ old lady smiled after Clarke and Lexa approached her. ‘’But something is different,’’ she noticed. ‘’You didn’t have the smile you carry now.’’

‘’Everything changes,’’ Lexa said at what old lady grinned, giving her three bouquets.

‘’We’ll need one more,’’ Clarke said.

‘’We all need one my dear,’’ old lady said, handling one to Clarke.

‘’How much for them,’’ Lexa said.

‘’You still haven’t learned’’

‘’I insist this time’’

‘’Go children. You paid me with your smiles.’’

Clarke didn’t really understand and she half smiled half frowned. But Lexa’s grin was wide.

 ‘’What was that all about,’’ Clarke asked.

‘’That was me being so in love that even old ladies are noticing,’’ she said, making Clarke smile.

They visited all the scars from their pasts, placing bouquets at every one of them. And as they did it together it all had a different meaning. And it felt differently. Life felt differently now that they helped each other heal.

‘’I want you to have something,’’ Clarke said when they got home, taking out her wallet. ‘’I don’t want to have both of these. One is yours,’’ she said taking the tossed bill. ‘’You’re my half, and when we are together we make it a whole,’’ she handled one half to Lexa who smiled at it while taking it.

She lifted her look. ‘’I love you Clarke. I’ll always love you.’’

‘’I bet you will,’’ Clarke said, smilling into the kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok guys this is the end of part one. I’m continuing this story next week, as I usually post it on weakly bases. Only in my head that's part two, for the story continues a year and a half after they move in together.


	10. Hunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok, this is where part 2 begins. It's been a year and a half since they moved in together. Life puts Clarke and Lexa’s love to the test as they deal with the biggest obstacle in their relationship yet.
> 
> Little spoiler
> 
> ‘’Aden this is Clarke,’’ Lexa says.  
> ‘’Clarke,’’ he echoes with a grin, unusual for him. ‘’Just like the sky princess’’  
> Clarke strangely looks at Lexa and this small boy beside her bed.  
> ‘’It’s…’’ Lexa starts. ‘’A story I’ve been telling him’’

Lexa leans on the door frame of her bedroom doors and stays there for almost half an hour. Clarke is still asleep. She rolls occasionally, making smiles flicker across Lexa’s face. There is no special occasion on that day, just a simple day like any other. Same routine that follows, only now they have each other to fill the voids they felt for so long. There is no sentiment of loneliness in Lexa’s life. Where once was emptiness, now there was Clarke. Where once was purpose, now there was love.

Clarke rolls again semi-conscious, frowning while sensing the emptiness of their bed. With one open eye she scans the empty pillow by her side, spotting Lexa shortly afterwards and closes it contently. Lexa’s anticipation is overwhelming, yet she remains silently observant.

Eventually, Clarke wakes up, rolling on her back upon doing so. Her eyes are fixed on Lexa, inviting her seductively alongside her sleepy smile, until Lexa breaks the silence.

‘’Morning’’

‘’Morning,’’ Clarke grins tiredly. ‘’What’s the time’’

‘’You don’t want to know’’

‘’That late’’

‘’That late,’’ she echoes.

‘’You should’ve woken me up’’

‘’I couldn’t, you looked too beautiful’’ Lexa says. ‘’And I figured last night was exhausting enough’’

Clarke smiles contently at the remembrance of it. ‘’You were gone for seven days,’’ she roams with her hand over Lexa’s side of the bed. ‘’Those were seven long and lonely nights,’’ she says wearing a smirk on her face.

‘’Have I at least managed to make up for it’’

‘’I prefer to think you’re only half way there,’’ she teases. ‘’So…’’

‘’So what,’’ Lexa teases as well.

‘’So how long are you gonna stand there’’

‘’I might stay a bit longer,’’ Lexa says, as her smug smile spreads.

‘’So we’ll just stay…’’ Clarke props up on her elbow. ‘’…like this’’

‘’Yes,’’ Lexa confirms, struggling to sustain her smile. ‘’Because,’’ she starts shortly afterwards, while approaching the bed. ‘’There is this girl, you see…’’ she crouches in front of it, her forearms are crossed on the mattress, supporting her head as she’s glancing up at Clarke who’s smiling down at her. ‘’And whenever I see her, it feels like an angel has been put on earth just for me,’’ she adds. ‘’I could spend ages just looking at her and it would be the best life anyone could ever have.’’

Clarke feels the same. And her free hand pushes the strand of Lexa’s hair behind her ear.

‘’Kiss me,’’ her whisper is gentle and soft.

And just like every time their lips connect, feelings quickly overwhelm them. Feelings that would assure them how every kiss they ever had with anyone else was wrong.

Lexa climbs on the bed, not breaking the kiss, moving her mouth slowly against Clarke’s. Their hands tangle, their minds start to drift as Lexa lifts Clarke’s head with kisses she starts placing on her neck.

‘’I miss you,’’ Clarke gasps, as her arms envelop Lexa. ‘’I miss you so much’’

She can feel Lexa’s smile as she’s leaving fresh marks on Clarke’s neck, right next to the ones from the night before.

‘’Your kiss, your touch,’’ she moans. ‘’Do you even know what seven nights without you look like’’

‘’I know how seven nights without you look like,’’ Lexa manages to say before finding Clarke’s lips again. ‘’Unbearable,’’ she sighs after biting Clarke’s lower lip and their eyes get locked in looks filled with adoration.

‘’Make love to me,’’ Clarke requests, begs almost.

Lexa removes the sheet between them, revealing Clarke’s naked body beneath her. She straightens herself to remove her undershirt and lowers again, almost predatorily looking at Clarke.

Lexa is a silent lover, the one that relies on seductive looks and instincts. The intuitive one, that reads you like a book. There are no words, only sensations, smooth sensations, tender at first and then fast, hard and deep. She listens how Clarke’s body react. She’s mysterious, her touch and kiss is unpredictable. She knows how to touch where it matters the most and where is it that matters the most. She presses her fingers against Clarke’s skin like she’s a pianist and Clarke’s her musical keyboard. And when they make love it feels like composing a masterpiece.

She tastes Clarke’s lips, Clarke’s tongue. She’s at Clarke’s neck, then breasts. Her mouth slides south and she wraps her hands around Clarke’s thighs as Clarke grips the sheet with one hand and tangles another in Lexa’s hair. She teases and plays like hunter plays with his pray. She knows she shouldn’t, yet she can’t resist. She builds up the tension. She does it on purpose, so that when her fingers curl between Clarke’s legs sensation is even bigger. Her fingers reach deep, and all the noise and embarrassingly deep sighs that escape Clarke encourage Lexa to increase the pace. She uses tenderness and fierceness, both diffidence and confidence. And that’s a cocktail that gets Clarke drunk easily.

The wave of pleasure washes over her abruptly and yet it is the only thing Clarke anticipates. It leaves her powerless and mute after overly loud moans. Her vocal chords are gone, her body suddenly stoned. The only thing she can feel is Lexa’s mouth on her way up Clarke’s body. Clarke circles her again as Lexa caresses her lips. She takes Lexa’s hand just to kiss the tips of her fingers, a silent thank you that they both find extremely intimate and arousing.

‘’My love…’’ Lexa says, wearing a tender smile. ‘’My life…’’ she whispers, making Clarke’s almost recovered voice shatter again.

‘’I don’t exist without you,’’ she says. ‘’That’s how those seven nights feel’’

 

****

 

It could be said that life went smoothly, since they moved in together. And it’s been almost year and a half now. Love truly heals you and both Clarke and Lexa became aware of that, aware of the fact that what they have is rare and beautiful. Therefore they became really protective over it.

Clarke finally got a job in a gallery. And since Indra decided to retire Lexa became more invested in the firm, perhaps too invested. Definitely too invested for Clarke’s taste. She could always sense if something was bothering Lexa and right now Lexa was giving he hard time in trying to figure out what it was?

‘’Have you seen my blue shirt,’’ Lexa asks from the bathroom.

‘’Last time I saw it, it was on the ground,’’ Clarke jokes from the bed but lately her jokes had little effect on Lexa.

Lexa comes out of the bathroom and searches for it in the wardrobe again. Frustrated, she picks the white one.

‘’That one’s my favorite,’’ Clarke says, trying to cheer her up before crawling to the edge of the bed where Lexa is putting her pants on.

She kneels and starts buttoning up Lexa’s shirt. ‘’Maybe you don’t have to hurry that much’’

‘’Clarke I’m already late’’

‘’I remember the time when you were the one pulling me back into bed.’’

Lexa’s face softens up. ‘’That was before Indra decided to retire. Now it’s all fallen on me’’

‘’I know,’’ Clarke says. ‘’I just miss you that’s all,’’

Lexa frowns at Clarke. ‘’I’m here,’’ she says.

‘’No you’re not,’’ Clarke says through sigh. ‘’You’re in your office’’

Lexa’s eyes find the window. Her look is thoughtful. Her jaw clenches and her headache increases. Clarke is right. And lately she feels strange. She doesn’t know what it is or if it’s good or bad. It’s just a hunch but it’s enough to make her feel disturbed. And she hates what it’s doing to her. Her gut is telling her something is going to happen. And it's frustrating, for she’s happy and doesn’t want anything to change.

‘’What is it,’’ Clarke softly asks, her hands going up and down Lexa’s arms and her compassionate look is searching for an answer. 

‘’Nothing’’

‘’You know I hate when you do that’’

‘’What’’

‘’Holding things in and not telling me’’

‘’I don’t want you to worry’’

‘’This way I worry more, and now I know there is something to worry about,’’ Clarke says. ‘’Look at me,’’ her fingers lift Lexa’s chin. ‘’You know you can tell me anything’’

Lexa’s look is grateful. ‘’I know’’ she smiles at Clarke.

‘’Then what is it’’

Lexa shakes her head and frowns again. ‘’Work…I guess and headaches,’’ she tries to explain. ‘’It will pass’’

‘’I don’t like this headaches of yours. It’s been too long now.’’

‘’I always had them. They just come and go’’

‘’Maybe I can make them go away sooner,’’ Clarke presses her lips against Lexa’s neck, and Lexa’s eyelids instantly become heavy.

‘’Maybe you can,’’ she gasps.

‘’Then stay and we’ll see,’’ Clarke whispers.

‘’I can’t,’’ Lexa’s eyes open. ‘’ I have to go’’

Clarke takes a deep breath. ‘’Ok,’’ she yields as Lexa kisses her cheek. She pretends she’s not worried until Lexa is gone.

‘’Love you,’’ Lexa yells upon leaving apartment.

‘’Love you,’’ Clarke echoes silently.

 

****

 

‘’Let me see it again,’’ Lexa stretches her hand.

‘’No need,’’ Anya says. ‘’I’ll deal with it.’’

‘’Fine,’’ Lexa sighs. ‘’We can’t lose this case’’

‘’You still haven’t lost one and I doubt this will be the first.’’

Lexa frowns while rubbing her temple.

‘’You still have headaches’’

She nods.

‘’You should go and see the doctor’’

‘’You know I had them since I was a kid, doctors never knew what it was. They just come and go’’

‘’Never mind, you should go anyway’’

‘’It’s not the headaches’’

‘’Then what is it’’

‘’I don’t know, I just have some weird feeling’’

‘’Is everything ok. I mean you and Clarke’’

‘’Yes, yes. It’s not that. It’s more like I feel something is going to happen. And you know I hate this sixth sense of mine,’’ Lexa says. ‘’You remember the last time I had it.’’

‘’I do,’’ Anya frowns and sits across the desk from Lexa. ‘’So if it’s not about the two of you is it only about Clark’’

‘’I don’t know,’’ Lexa says. ‘’But if something happens to her, I swear…’’

‘’Wow, hey, stop,’’ Anya quickly interrupts. ‘’Stop being paranoid, alright. You just need to rest that’s all. I don’t understand why you push it so hard anyway.’’

‘’Who’s gonna, if I don’t? I can’t let everything my mother built falls apart. That’s all I have left from her’’

‘’Ohhh I see what this is all about,’’ Anya says, slightly relieved.

‘’Do you,’’ Lexa sighs.

‘’I think I do’’

‘’Lucky me,’’ Lexa looks towards the window, sounding slightly sarcastic.

‘’You wanna know my version,’’ Anya smiles.

Lexa shrugs her shoulders, knowing she’s gonna hear it anyway.

‘’I don’t think you’ll want to admit this. But you my friend are afraid.’’

‘’Of what,’’ Lexa asks.

‘’Of what happens next’’

‘’What do you mean’’

‘’In a way you felt safe while going down the path your mother has. She left you something and you want to keep it’’

‘’What’s wrong with that’’

‘’Nothing, let me finish,’’ Anya raises her hand. ‘’But now you’ve reached a point where she stopped. And you don’t know what you’re supposed to do next. And it’s giving you a headache. Am I right,’’ Anya smiles.

Lexa looks towards the window again. ‘’You should’ve been a shrink not a lawyer’’

Anya grins. ‘’I only like being your shrink, no one else is that interesting.’’

Lexa remains in her serious mood.

 ‘’You have a girl of your dreams, both of you are working in fields that you are interested in. What more do you want.’’

‘’Nothing,’’ Lexa quickly replies. ‘’I just want everything to stay that way.’’

‘’Don’t be paranoid and it will,’’ Anya stands up and stops upon reaching the door. ‘’And hey,’’ she calls for Lexa’s attention again. ‘’Your mother would be proud of you.’’

Lexa, ever being so modest didn’t quite feel so. She didn’t think of herself as someone who deserved everything she’s come to have. She’s the way she is because of Clarke. And she never thought she deserved Clarke either. She was only lucky, insanely lucky to have met her. That was all. She has traumas of losing things she loves. And at this point the firm was doing great and she couldn’t be more in love so she thought headaches returned just to make balance, for she was truly lucky.

‘’I think I’ll leave earlier today,’’ she says.

‘’I think you should’’

 

****

 

Clarke loved nothing more than to soak away her stress. Preferably with Lexa in the bathtub with her but when alone headphones and relaxing music served as a substitute.

Lexa walked into the apartment, her headache not so bad. Home had soothing effect. She expects Clarke to be at work and walks into the bedroom only to collapse on the bed. She stares at the ceiling and breaths slowly. Was Anya right? Was Lexa simply overprotective without reason? She closes her eyes and walks through the forest. She climbs mountains and swims in lakes she accidentally discovers. She makes love to Clarke in all those places. That’s all she wants silence and Clarke. Or for start just some comfortable clothes.

Opening bathroom doors leaves her startled. She smiles at the sight of Clarke in a bathtub with her eyes closed and headphones in her ears. She walks slowly, sits on the edge of the bathtub. And presses pause on Clarke’s phone, making Clarke frown before opening her eyes.

Her eyes widen alongside her smile. ‘’You’re home’’

‘’You’re home too,’’ Lexa laughs.

‘’I was able to finish earlier. But I didn’t expect you in next 2 hours at least.’’

‘’I sort of let myself go earlier’’

Clarke keeps her smile. ‘’I’m glad you did’’

They quietly look at each other before Lexa cups Clarke’s cheek. And Clarke supports her hand.

‘’You’re beautiful,’’ Lexa whispers. ‘’I don’t tell you that often enough’’

Clarke kisses her palm. ‘’I miss you’’

Lexa swallows at the statement. She starts to feel afraid whenever she hears Clarke say that. ‘’Lately that’s the only thing you’ve been saying to me. Even when I’m with you’’

Clarke sighs. ‘’It’s just that we don’t get to spend that much time together anymore. We both work and I just… I guess I miss our beginnings when you would just take me to the beach all of the sudden, or we would leave the club without telling anyone. Or we would walk,’’ Clarke explains. ‘’ I even miss you running out of my apartment,’’ she teases.

‘’I see,’’ Lexa stands up with her hands in her pockets. ‘’I’m not impulsive anymore.’’

‘’I love you, you know that. I don’t want you to feel pressured. It’s just how I feel lately’’

Lexa nods while looking aside. She steps in the bathtub still fully clothed.

‘’Lexa,’’ Clarke blurts out and a grin follows.

‘’I was gonna put this to wash anyway,’’ Lexa smiles, holding edges of the bathtub, headed toward Clarke’s lips.

We all need foolish acts to remind ourselves who we are.

 

****

 

Lexa’s back is pressed against Clarke’s chest. Her eyes are closed and her head comfortable leaned on Clarke’s shoulder as Clarke is kissing her temple. Lexa’s fingers trail up and down the side of Clarke’s calf underwater. And she’s unaware of Clarke’s words.

‘’…so what do you think,’’ Clarke asks but no answer comes. ‘’Love,’’ Clarke calls.

‘’Hm,’’ Lexa says, suddenly conscious.

‘’You were not listening’

‘’Sorry. I’m really sorry’’

‘’What is it’’

Lexa’s eyes open.

‘’Tell me,’’ Clarke gently pleads.

‘’I don’t know,’’ Lexa finally opens up. ‘’It’s more like a hunch’’

‘’Good or bad’’

‘’I don’t know that either’’

Clarke wraps her hands around Lexa, frowning slightly but not letting the feeling overwhelm them both. One needs to stay grounded, as it always is with them. When one stumbles the other one is there to continue the race for both.

‘’I’m sure it’s nothing,’’ Clarke comforts. ‘’You’re just tired. You work too much’’

‘’Clarke’’

‘’Yes’’

‘’I don’t feel so well’’

‘’It’s ok’’ Clarke kisses her cheek. ‘’I’m with you,’’ she whispers. ‘’You just need rest’’

 ‘’Just hold me,’’ Lexa says and Clarke tightens the embrace.

‘’You know what,’’ Clarke starts. ‘’ Why don’t we go somewhere for the weekend,’’ she suggests, making Lexa smile. ‘’Somewhere on the countryside, I know how much you’re craving for it.’’

‘’That sounds nice,’’ Lexa’s voice is calm.

‘’So what do you think? Is it possible for this weekend?’’

‘’I think next one, not this one’’

‘’Why not this one’’

‘’Honey you forgot something’’

‘’What’’

‘’We have dinner with your mother this weekend’’

‘’Fuck’’


	11. It' not sweet

It was rare that Clarke would wake up first. But since she made Lexa take three days off, she decided to use her faded medical knowledge and play a nurse for a while. Cooking was not her strongest suit but Lexa deserved the best care. She slowly walks with a trey into their bedroom, and leaves it silently on the night stand beside Lexa. She wants to walk outside, but seeing her girlfriend peaceful, breathing slowly in all her beauty makes Clarke stay longer than she had intended. She gently kisses her forehead before straightening herself but Lexa takes her hand, pulling Clarke back until she's sitting beside her.

 

‘’Morning,’’ Clarke smiles.

‘’Morning,’’ Lexa whispers, slowly lifting her eyelids.

‘’How do you feel,’’ Clarke asks, caressing her cheek.

‘’Fine… I guess. What’s the time,’’ Lexa says stretching her hand towards her cell phone.

‘’No,’’ Clarke catches Lexa’s hand, interlocking their fingers instead. ‘’No cell phone in these three days,’’ she says, making Lexa smile.

‘’I just wanted to check how long I slept.’’

‘’You slept really long, that’s all you need to know’’

‘’You know when you sleep twelve hours and then you feel exhausted for sleeping too long’’

‘’Yeah’’

‘’I think I’ve overslept myself,’’ Lexa says making Clarke laugh.

‘’Sleep still if you want to’’

‘It’s ok,’’ Lexa stretches and yawns. ‘’And I can’t sleep if the bed is empty’’

Clarke smiles and leans in for a soft morning kiss. ‘’I’m not letting you get up today,’’ she says getting under the sheets herself,.

‘’Don’t make my exhaustion as an excuse to not have dinner with your mother,’’ Lexa teases.

‘’Ok, you won’t get up until tonight,’’ Clarke smiles, letting Lexa comfortably nest in her embrace. And fall asleep eventually.

 

 

****

 

 

‘’At least she’s trying,’’ Lexa says opening the door and letting Clarke go first.

‘’I know, it’s just awkward sometimes’’

‘’I get it and it will probably always be awkward, to a certain extent’’

‘’I know’’

‘’But not many parents realize their mistakes’’

‘’I know that too,’’ Clarke sighs calling the elevator.

‘’Let’s use the stairs,’’ Lexa says.

‘’Oh c’mon, even when you’re with me’’

‘’I just don’t like them’’

‘’Get in,’’ Clarke pushes Lexa inside, making them both laugh.

‘’If it was at least a ground floor,’’ Lexa sighs.

Clarke presses the button with number ten on it and keeps her smile.

‘’You enjoy this don’t you,’’ Lexa lifts her eyebrow, making Clarke even more amused.

She pushes Lexa against the wall, starting a kiss that makes Lexa surprised. But she quickly finds Clarke's hips beneath her coat and pulls her closer.

‘’Are you still scared,’’ Clarke whispers softly in Lexa’s ear after breaking the kiss.

‘’Yes,’’ Lexa gasps not really sure what she’s saying yes to.

 

Clarke kisses her again in this little time frame that they have. She was trying to distract them both. But they had to stop before distraction became too arousing and elevator door open. They approached Clarke’s old apartment, cockily smiling at each other. And Clarke fixed Lexa’s lipstick before pressing the door bell.

 

‘’Hi girls,’’ Marcus says upon opening.

‘’Hello,’’ Clarke replies, not overly enthusiastic.

‘’Is it them,’’ they hear Abby shouting from the kitchen.

‘’Yes,’’ Marcus yells holding the door for Clarke and Lexa to enter.

‘’Welcome,’’ Abby comes to the hall hugging Lexa first.

‘’Hello ma’am,’’ Lexa politely says, hugging Abby back.

‘’It’s Abby, for the millionth time,’’ she says, making them both smile.

‘’Sorry…Abby,’’ Lexa corrects herself.

‘’Or maybe you’ll call me mom soon,’’ she says hugging Clarke now and making both Clarke and Lexa blush. ‘’Any news,’’ she teases.

‘’Mom please,’’ Clarke says.

 

She and Lexa didn’t talk about marriage. They were happy and in love and didn’t need anything else. But out of some reason the thought made them blush.

 

‘’Leave the kids alone,’’ Marcus says as they all walk into the living room.

Lexa sits next to Clarke on the sofa as Clarke puts her hand on Lexa’s thigh. It was a signal that she didn’t feel fully comfortable and Lexa would usually put her hand over Clarke’s to let her know she’s safe.

Abby was arranging the table and talking from the kitchen while Marcus sat with them in the living room.

 

‘’So girls what’s new,’’ Abby asks.

‘’Everything’s the same,’’ Clarke says.

‘’Lexa, how’s the firm’’

‘’Great ma’am, I mean Abby,’’ she says making Clarke giggle.

‘’How are you Clarke,’’ Marcus asks, trying to create some kind of connection between them, and it wasn’t really working. Especially after Clarke would see her father’s photo framed on the shelf.

 

Marcus turned out to be a polite man, and Clarke managed to change her first impression of him to a certain extent. But since he and Abby started living together the thought of him in her father’s place was still uncomfortable. And she doubted she’ll ever be able to get accustomed to it.

 

‘’I’m fine,’’ she simply replies.

‘’How is work’’

‘’It’s ok’’

‘’I know I say this every time. But I’ve never forgotten that painting of yours,’’ he says.

‘’Well I had a nice inspiration,’’ Clarke gives Lexa’s thigh a quick grip at what Lexa smiles.

‘’I think you should start working with Marcus,’’ Abby jumps into the conversation, expectedly.

‘’Mom you’re doing it again’’

‘’What’’

‘’Being pushy,’’ Clarke frowns.

‘’I’m just suggesting, that’s all,’’ she says winking at Lexa. ‘’Help me out here’’

‘’Gladly ma’am, I mean Abby,’’ they all start laughing at Lexa’s constant corrections. ‘’But I don’t like sleeping outside our bed,’’ she says making them laugh again.

‘’And ten I’m pushy,’’ Abby jokes, teasing Clarke. ‘’Then I want Lexa to come and help me out arranging the table’’

‘’Sure,’’ Lexa smiles.

 

Lexa liked Abby and she couldn’t help but feel guilty sometimes for it. She wanted nothing more than to be this supportive girlfriend. But a small part of her liked this rare family moments. She had her cousins while growing up but it was not the same. And she could feel that connection with Abby. Even from their first encounter there was something about that woman that Lexa simply liked. And Abby saw determination and devotion in Lexa that probably reminded her of her younger self. And Clarke, as much as she had her own struggles that she was trying to overcome was glad that Abby and Lexa liked each other.

 

‘’Oh now you’re not in pain,’’ Clarke teases Lexa and how obedient she is when Abby asks for something.

‘’You’re in pain,’’ Abby frowns.

‘’It’s nothing,’’ Lexa says.

‘’I’m telling her to visit the doctor but she’s being stubborn’’

‘’What is it that you feel’’

‘’Nothing, I’ve had headaches, but they’re gone now,’’ she turns to Clarke. ‘’As I said they would be’’

‘’But now she has back pain,’’ Clarke says.

‘’Come this week to my hospital,’’ Abby says

‘’No need ma’am… Abby,’’ they all smile again.

‘’I’m not gonna say it twice,’’ Abby says caringly but also while lifting her eyebrows. And Lexa looks at Clarke who is wearing a smirk, for Lexa can finally feel Abby’s pushiness.

''Fine,'' Lexa says feeling she doesn't have any other choice.

‘’There you go. Ok you two come and sit at the table,’’ Abby tells to Marcus and Clarke and they all choose their seats.

 

The dinner was mostly pleasant and after it was finished Clarke and Lexa stayed a while longer before deciding to leave. Lexa promised she will do few tests and if for nothing else Clarke was grateful for that dinner because Lexa finally yielded. They said goodbye and were invited again, at what they thanked and left.

 

Clarke takes a deep breath before calling the elevator and sighs while they wait.

‘’It wasn’t that bad. It was nice actually,’’ Lexa says, trying to cheer Clarke up.

‘’I guess it was. And I’m glad you’ll finally see the doctor’’

‘’You’ll see that they won’t find anything’’

‘’I hope they won’t but I won’t stop worrying about your stupid ass until I see the results’’

‘’Hey,’’ Lexa frowns. ’’ You like my ass,’’ she teases, pulling Clarke in for a kiss.

‘’Very much,’’ Clarke says, sending her hands beneath Lexa’s lower back.

The elevator reached the floor they were on and Clarke couldn’t help but smile. ‘’Maybe you’d like to use stairs,’’ she teases, and Lexa can’t sustain her grin.

 

 

****

 

 

Lexa didn’t really like hospitals. But what’s done was done and she found herself looking for Abby’s office. She asked some nurse where cardiology department was. And finding Abby afterwards was easy.

 

‘’Hello,’’ she says, after knocking.

‘’Hi my dear,’’ Abby stands up to greet her. ‘’Was it easy to find the office’’

‘’Yes,’’ Lexa says before taking a seat.

‘’How are you feeling today’’

‘’I’m better now’’

‘’No back pain’’

‘’Occasionally, but definitely less’’

‘’Ok, first we’ll have to do a blood test, then x-ray and few other tests that I have in mind. When was the last time you’ve seen the doctor.’’

‘’It’s been maybe five years. I don’t know. I mean I had to get few shots in some countries that I’ve visited and did few blood tests. But no x-ray or anything regarding my previous condition when I was younger’’

‘’Ok, we’ll do everything now. Just in case’’

‘’Clarke will be very happy,’’ Lexa jokes.

‘’I saw how worried she was’’

‘’I’m mostly doing this because of her’’

‘’You should do it for yourself also. When you’re young you take your health for granted and that’s something you should never do,’’ Abby says. ‘’Trust me, you’ll thank me in twenty years.’’

‘’Ok,’’ Lexa smiles, taking the forms Abby was handling to her.

‘’Blood test first. Nurse will show you the way. You wait for the results and then you’ll come back here, ok’’

‘’Ok…Abby’’

‘’You finally learned,’’ Abby says and winks before Lexa leaves the office.

 

The nurse takes Lexa to a small lab to take a sample of her blood. Lexa wasn’t afraid of needles but she didn’t particularly enjoy watching the process and would always look away.

 

‘’In fifteen minutes we’ll have the results.  You can wait in the hall miss,’’ nurse politely says.

‘’Thank you,’’ Lexa nods, before finding an empty seat in the hall.

She looks at a water machine and the paper saying it’s currently out of function. And somehow feels thirstier.

‘’Excuse me,’’ she walks into the lab again. ‘’Is there a working water machine somewhere’’

‘’You can try at pediatrician department. They’re the closest to us, if not there then at the entrance’’

‘’Thank you,’’ Lexa says before heading to the closest department. She doesn’t find water machine but a vending machine. And she finds a small boy staring at it.

‘’Hey little fellow,’’ she says. ‘’You need help’’

 

The boy keeps staring at the glass, never looking at Lexa.

 

‘’No,’’ he quietly says.

‘’Would you like some sweets,’’ she asks.

‘’No,’’ he replies in the same manner and it makes Lexa intrigued.

 

She crouches beside him, making them almost the same height. They both quietly stare at the glass and the products behind it.

 

‘’What are we looking at,’’ Lexa whispers after enough time has passed and the boy felt comfortable in her company to tell her what he wants.

He touches the glass, pointing at a cracker and it makes Lexa smile,

‘’So you do want sweet,’’ she says, searching for the money.

‘’It’s not sweet,’’ he replies and it makes Lexa’s smile even wider.

 

She stands up, tossing few coins into the machine and choosing the cracker boy pointed at. But even after it fell the boy didn’t move.

 

‘’Well take it,’’ Lexa says. ‘’Don’t you want it.’’

 

Child hesitantly stretches his hand and slowly takes the candy. And Lexa watches him move and feels strange. There was something different with this child than with other children. His hesitation wasn’t fear, rather caution, unusual for his age. And he looked like he was around six. Every other child would rush towards it and he hesitated even when he was told to take it and was safe.

 

‘’How did you break your arm,’’ she asks.

‘’I fell,’’ he silently replies and it makes Lexa smile, for this must’ve been how she annoyed Clarke when not feeling in the mood to talk.

‘’Why don’t we get you to your mommy,’’ she suggest, not expecting the answer that was coming.

‘’I don’t have parents,’’ he says. And the brutality of the sentence shoots through Lexa. Especially because it was mixed with such innocence and the way he said it, without being able to pronounce some letters properly.

‘’Well,’’ Lexa swallows, hiding her reaction. She was disarmed by a child. ‘’Why don’t we take you to your room’’

‘’It’s boring there’’

‘’Well what would you like to do’’

‘’I like to draw animals. But my hand is broken’’

‘’I’m sure you can draw really well,’’ she tries to make him smile but unsuccessfully. ‘’But I’m afraid you’ll have to stay in your room, until your arm heals. The more you stay there the sooner you’ll get better,’’ she says and his thoughtful look is telling her that her words are getting through his facade.

 

She offers her hand but he doesn’t accept it, instead they walk side by side until they reach the counter where the nurse is.

 

‘’I believe you have a missing patient,’’ Lexa smiles as the nurse looks over the counter.

‘’Let me guess, vending machine,’’ nurse asks. ‘’He always sneaks out’’ she says while coming to the other side and offering her hand but the boy refuses it as well.

 

Lexa can see that he’s afraid of the touch and she crouches before him, seeing his hazel blue eyes for the first time. And they mesmerize her somehow.

 

‘’What’s your name buddy,’’ she asks, looking at him as friendly as possible.

‘’Aden,’’ he says.

‘’Well Aden it’s nice to meet you,’’ she says offering her hand. ‘’I’m Lexa’’

 

He carefully examines Lexa’s hand and slowly offers his. The grip is weak and hesitant and Lexa doesn’t hold his hand for long. He walks away, walking beside the nurse but turns back at one point.

 

‘’Thank you,’’ he says, having the same expression and Lexa smiles as she watches him go.


End file.
